Mooning Garden Gnome Goes Missing
It seems some deplorable person has absconded with Willard #6, the neighbor’s mooning garden gnome.
A quick recap of the previous Willards:
The first Willard met an untimely demise at the hands of some maniac with a shovel.
Willard #2 was also smashed with a shovel.
Willard #3 was backed over with a car and smashed with a shovel.
Willard #4 was unexpectedly hit with a brick, peed on, and smashed with a shovel.
Willard #5 was pulverized with a sledgehammer and set on fire. (Shovel broke while smashing something.)
Your wondering how I have such intimate knowledge of the tragedies that have befallen the Willards if I had nothing to with it–you ask to many questions.
I don’t even own a sledgehammer. (Apart from that delightful Peter Gabriel song from the 80’s.)
After comfortably adorning the neighbor’s lawn for consecutive summers without incident, it seemed Willard #6 was safe from any acts of malfeasance. But sometimes a neighbor will get a bit too cocky and then unfortunate things happen. Not in this case–but sometimes.
There are some who credit the motion activated lighting and camera the neighbor had installed in his yard for the lack of incidents over the previous two summers. Utter nonsense, whoever disabled the camera before they took Willard #6 could have done so two years ago.
Any number of things could have happened to Willard #6.
He may be decorating the lawn of a thief. He may now be in the possession of some rapscallion children. Maybe he’s being held for future ransom. Perhaps he’s sprung to life and just wandered off.
It’s entirely possible he’s resting at the bottom of Lake Erie because his loudmouthed owner can’t keep his opinions to himself…but I’m just guessing.
From the depths, Willard sings, “You could have a bumper car, bumping – this amusement never ends…”
He could have had a stream train if he had just laid down his tracks.
Don’t you dare give that gnome back! (she said aloud, hoping the thief could somehow hear her) There’s a chance they won’t be able to find a mooning one this time and will settle on something pornographic.
How dare you suggest I had something to do with the disappearance of Willard #6.
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