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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the month “March, 2018”

Just A Little Glimpse.

What I saw.
(image source: wpclipart.com)

Just a little glimpse into my life.

I was out the other night, minding my own business, when I was approached by an attractive woman. She sat down next to me and introduced herself.

She talked about her life, her job, her children, but mostly she talked about the fact that her divorce had just been finalized and she was celebrating that fact.

She told me how eager she was to get on with her life.

She told me how long it had been since she had been out and had a good time.

She told me how much she was enjoying talking to me.

Then something happened: she asked me to guess her age.

“How old do you think I am?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” I told her, “you’re not very old.”

“Well, exactly how old do you think I am,” she urged me.

“I’m not very good at guessing age,” I said, hoping she would drop it.

“Just take a guess,” she urged more forcefully.

“I guess you’re about 34 years old.” I finally relented.

She stared at me blankly; I could sense that things were about to go horribly wrong. “Oh. Is that how old you think I look?” She said with a timbre of irritation in her voice.

“I don’t know…I guess so.” I fumbled.

“I’m only 29 years old,” she snapped.

“I told you I wasn’t good at…”

“Most people say that I look younger than I actually am.” She interrupted.

“Okay,” I said timidly.

“People say, that I look like I’m in my mid twenties,” she continued, now visibly angry. “What do you have to say to that?”

I want to make it clear, the next thing that came out of my mouth was not me trying to be a smartass. It was not me trying to be dismissive or insulting. It was simply the best thing that my brain could think of to say.

“Sometimes people lie,” I said.

She stormed away.

This story has no point; it’s just a little glimpse into me life. (And possibly why I’m still single.)

What she thought I saw.
(image source: wpclipart.com)

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Felonies, Misdemeanors, and a Reuben Sandwich

Idiot on a stolen forklift ahead

You’re walking down the road on your way to a local pub. It’s a hot and sunny afternoon, unmarred by criminal activity. As you’re passing a construction site, a slight glint of light catches your attention. The sun is reflecting off keys that are dangling invitingly from the ignition of a forklift. It’s lunchtime, there’s nobody around. An important decision needs to be made: should you continue trudging onward in the blazing sun, or should you commit an act of felony theft?

Not being a person prone to making rash decisions, you carefully weigh the pros and cons.

Pro: you’ve grown weary of walking, a conveyance such as a forklift would your lessen your burden.

Con: jail sucks.

Pro: if the construction worker responsible for the forklift, didn’t want you to take it, would he have conveniently left the keys in the ignition?

Con: the construction worker responsible for the forklift, may be an ill-tempered brute of a man, keen on whomping thieves over the head with rebar.

Pro: you might be featured on an episode of America’s Dumbest Criminals, your favorite television show.

Con: you might be featured on an episode of America’s Dumbest Criminals, your friends’ favorite television show.

Pro: that thirty-pack of beer you’ve been carrying has gotten really heavy (did I mention you’re carrying a thirty-pack of beer?).

Con: handcuffs chafe and jail sucks.

Pro: with a forklift, you can easily transport a 30 pack of beer and a pallet of cinder blocks.

Con: you are an idiot and you will be caught.

If you’re anything like a current resident of Pittsburgh Pa, you choose to commit felony theft.

With your newly acquired transportation, you quickly make your way to the local pub, where you order a Reuben sandwich. Felony theft not only stirs up a hunger, it also creates a craving for corned-beef and sauerkraut.

You leave the forklift idling in the parking lot as you head into the pub, taking your thirty-pack with you, after all you can’t leave things lying around, there are thieves about.

As you wait for your sandwich, you do your best to act casually. You make a concerted effort not to use the words fork or lift in any combination. You fail… multiple times.

Upon receiving your sandwich, you flee from the pub without paying, adhering to that age-old axiom: once you’ve stolen a forklift, you might as well steal a sandwich.

Now that you have successfully brought attention to your felony theft through an act of misdemeanor theft, you need to make a swift and stealthy getaway.

It would seem that forklifts were designed for the express purpose of not making a swift and stealthy getaway. Not that it matters: you don’t know how to put the forklift into reverse and you are easily caught.

You go to jail, handcuffs chafing…it sucks.

America’s Dumbest Criminals gets a giddy phone call from one of your friends.

Bystander: I’m not really sure why he stole a forklift, you can pretty much carry a sandwich in a paper sack. He’s probably just an idiot, there’s a lot of idiots around here. Hell, you could transport an entire pallet of  cinder blocks with a forklift.

Construction worker responsible for the forklift: He’s just lucky I didn’t find him; I would have whomped him over the head with rebar in a brutish manner.

Responding police officer: Yeah, it was close to the strangest thing I’ve seen. There was this one incident: this crazy little monkey got his hands on a bulldozer, smashed in a store front and stole a bunch of bananas. Then this guy in a big yellow hat showed up and started jumping up and down and screaming at the monkey. Every time the guy got within ten feet of the monkey, the monkey would just hurl a wad of feces at him. The guy in the yellow hat started screaming, “this is it George, this is the end.” That sure was one curious little monkey. But yeah, this was the weirdest thing I’ve seen involving a human.

idiotprufs

You can transport this and a 30 pack of beer with a forklift (Reuben sandwich optional).

I’m a Barrel of Fun!

barrel over falls

Here I go!

I’ve decided to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

I know what you’re thinking: that is a fantastic idea and not in any way reckless or ill-conceived.

You’re probably thinking the only thing to surpass my level-headed decision-making is my sense of adventure and almost unparalleled bravery.

You’d be correct–the level of your perception is stunning.

You are nothing like the naysayers in my sphere of influence; people who use harsh terms like: reckless, ill-advised, wildly insane, dunderheaded, pea-brained, attention seeking prat, dangerously maladjusted, and stupid.

Stupid is a very hurtful word.

These naysayers like to point out the majority of the individuals who have gone over the falls in a barrel have perished horribly.

Well I’m not in the majority. If all those mental competency tests The Pennsylvania Board of Mental Health make me take are to be believed: I’m really quite far from the majority.

In 1930 George Stathakis went over the falls in a barrel with his 150 year old pet turtle.

If a geriatric turtle can survive going over the falls in a barrel, I think I can manage.

George died, but his death could have been barrel unrelated–everyone has to die sometime right?

Anyway, my preparations to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel have begun.

By the end of summer you will see my name plastered all over the news. (And not for indecent exposure this time.)

I will keep you updated on my progress.

turtle

I can do anything a turtle can…except stay submerged underwater for extended periods of time…I’ll be fine.

Wouldn’t it be Easier?

names

Wouldn’t the world be a better, more navigable place, if people’s names reflected their personality traits and true characters?

Imagine if the highway patrolman could read the name on the driver’s license of that attractive young woman who’s trying to flirt her way out the ticket, and say, “I’d like to let you go without a citation Miss…Manipulative Little Tramp, but I don’t think I can do that today.”

If Phil, that wonderful guy you just met, who you are convinced will be the perfect husband, had the full name of Philandering Piece Of Crap, wouldn’t heartache be avoided?

If that cute girl who moved into your apartment building had been named Crazy Potential Stalker, none of those restraining orders would have been necessary, and that deadbolt wouldn’t have had to be replaced. (She was 110 pounds of muscle and crazy.)

If Jeffrey Dahmer had been named more appropriately, perhaps fewer young men would’ve fallen prey to his wiles. People tend to not let their guard down around you when your name is Homicidal Flesh Eating Weirdo.

If some of my aunts bore names like Insidious Hag, Conniving Bridge Troll, or anything with the words wicked or odiferous in them, perhaps I would have made fewer snarky comments about their chunky thighs or their dull-witted offspring…probably not, but perhaps.

Note: it has been brought to my attention that my uncle, Two-Faced Lying Rat-Bastard, is furious with some of the things I have written in this blog. In particular he is unhappy with my implications that some of my aunts are witches or monsters. As an olive branch, from this point forward, I will no longer imply that some of my aunts are witches or monsters; I will use only declarative statements. I’m happy we could work this out.

If Adolph Hitler had been called Genocidal Maniac, the world may have been slightly more wary during his ascent to power.

Ditto Mao Tse-tung.

Ditto Joseph Stalin.

Ditto Milton Obote.

Ditto Idi Amin.

It’s reported Idi Amin liked to be called:

His Excellency, President For Life Field Marshall Al HADJ Doctor Idi Amin DADA, VC, DSO, MC. Lord Of All The Beasts Of The Earth And Fishes Of The Sea And Conqueror Of The British Empire In Africa In General, And Uganda In Particular.

He should have been called Gigantic Arrogant Penis, or under my naming system: Piers Morgan.

A few examples of people renamed under my system:

  • Justin Bieber: Annoying Little Prick.
  • Taylor Swift: Annoying Chick.
  • Miley Cyrus: Annoying Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
  • Kim Kardashian: Undeservedly Famous Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
  • Kayne West: Mr. Undeservedly Famous Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
  • North West: Little Girl Routinely Picked On In School Because Her Parents Are Idiots. (Mine is only slightly less ridiculous.)
  • Charles Manson: Homicidal Nutbar.
  • Ted Bundy: Charming Homicidal Nutbar.
  • Piers Morgan: Piers Morgan.
  • My aunt: Wart-Faced Witch. (See, declarative.)
miley cyrus

Annoying Chick Who’s Frequently Naked in concert.

The list could go on and on, and it may in a future post.

Until next time,

Guy Who Gets Pepper-Sprayed Far Too Frequently For It To Be Reasonable.

 

Local Man Still Doesn’t Understand Erie Spring Cleanup Rules — gooferie

Upon hearing that Erie’s single-item Spring Cleanup program will begin soon, eastside resident Jody Porter immediately dragged nearly a dozen pieces of broken down furniture and electronic appliances to the curb in front of his house, where it will sit for the next month at least. Neighbors tried to remind him that the rules allow only one large […]

via Local Man Still Doesn’t Understand Erie Spring Cleanup Rules — gooferie

A Celebration of Spring(s)

spring

As this is the first day of Spring, this post is devoted to my favorite springs.

Spring Theory

This is much like String Theory, a theoretical framework in which the point-like particles of particle physics are replaced by one-dimensional objects called strings.

In Spring Theory, the universe isn’t made of strings, but of tiny little Slinkys.

The Slinky

There was nothing better than getting that classic childhood toy on Christmas morning.

You would rush to the top of the stairs and send it marching down the steps in that classic Slinky way. And as if by magic, that Slinky would transform into a ball of entangled metal by the time it reached the bottom of the stairs. That Slinky would provide seconds and sometimes minutes of joyful playtime.

slinky

Good times…and the building blocks of the universe.

The Springtail

The springtail are omnivorous, free-living organisms that prefer moist conditions. Doesn’t that describe us all?

creepy bug

Isn’t it just adorable?

Coffee Springs, Alabama

Coffee Springs is a tiny town in Alabama where, I’m guessing, coffee literally springs up through the ground–how fantastic is that?

Coffee Springs has a population of 228 people who are constantly buzzed on caffeine. The people of Coffee Springs have a hard time sleeping but they get a lot done.

Jerry Springer

Are you feeling badly about yourself? Do you feel like loser or an outcast? Just watch a handful of episodes of The Jerry Springer Show and you will understand what damaged humans really look like.

Unless you’ve been cheating on your paint huffing alcoholic cousin with your other cousin (who dresses like vampire and drinks blood) while raising a child who was fathered by a third unknown party, but if the child’s behavior and appearance are indicators, could very well be a Malaysian yak, you’re probably good.

Jerry springer fight

The propensity to fly into a rage, curse like a sailor, and pepper your speech with double negatives: all helpful traits for appearing on The Jerry Springer Show.

Addendum

Some of my assertions about Coffee Springs, Alabama may not be entirely, by the strictest definition of word, accurate.

But Spring Theory is real.

Man Drives Speed Limit On Bayfront Highway — gooferie

Local drivers were frustrated today as they were stuck behind a man driving the posted speed limit of 35mph on the Bayfront Parkway. “I was stuck behind him all the way from State Street to West 8th” complained motorist Andrew Scott of Millcreek. “I could have been home 15 seconds sooner if not for him.” […]

via Man Drives Speed Limit On Bayfront Highway — gooferie

Unhappy Penguins With Happy Feet

We’ll show you happy feet.

The zoo is place of learning, a place of discovery, a place to take in the breadth and width of God’s creation. It’s a place where every ten steps you stop and check the bottom of your child’s shoe to ensure that revolting smell isn’t something he’s stepped in.

At these zoos, zoologists separate animals into several basic categories:

Animals that can kill you by stomping on you:

  • Big elephants.
  • Not so big elephants.
  • Smallish elephants.
  • Most any elephant.
  • Mimes pretending to be elephants.
  • Hippopotami.
  • Moose.
  • Bison.
  • Really huge geese.
  • Small geese, but a butt-load of them.
  • Giraffes.
  • An incensed mob of penguins that over-heard you casually comment that Happy Feet sucked.
  • Bigfoot.
  • That crazy mom from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
  • Chris Christie.
  • Rhinos
  • The Hulk.

Animals that can kill you by biting or stinging you:

  • Rattlesnakes.
  • Scorpion.
  • Box jellyfish.
  • Black mambo.
  • The Brazilian wandering spider. If the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider doesn’t kill you, it may result in permanent impotence (Insert off-color joke here–I know have some).
  • Gerald the creepy neighbor kid.
  • Diseased rats.
  • Honey Boo Boo.

Animals that will eat you:

  • Lions.
  • Tigers.
  • Cougars–the feline type.
  • Cougars–the lady type.
  • Polar bears.
  • Yogi Bear (But only if he can’t find any pic-a-nic type baskets).
  • Crocodiles.
  • German cannibals that advertise on Craigslist.
  • Sharks.
  • Piranha.
  • Crazed bunny rabbits.
  • C.H.U.D.
  • Territorial crows.
  • Flocks of wild chickens bent on revenge.

Animals that you can eat:

  • Cows.
  • Wild boar.
  • Ducks
  • Bunny rabbits (You have to get them before they get you).
  • Geese.
  • German guys that answer your Craigslist ad.
  • Deer that your uncle shot.
  • Deer that your uncle hit with his truck.
  • What you suspect is opossum that your uncle hit with his truck, but he is suspiciously evasive about what it is.
  • Tofu turkey (Just kidding, tofu was never alive, it just tastes like something that’s dead).
  • Chicken McNuggets.

Animals that look as though they’ve been genetically altered by a mad scientist:

  • The star-nosed mole.
  • The duck-billed platypus.
  • The axolotl.
  • The aye aye.
  • The entire cast of Jersey Shore.

Animals that appear cute and cuddly but are actually quite dangerous:

  • Mink.
  • The short-tailed shrew.
  • The leopard seal.
  • Gerald the neighbor kid (Not really–he is not cute).
  • Penguins after you made that wise-crack about Happy Feet.
  • Honey Boo Boo.

So the next you go to the zoo, print-out this list and take it with you. Quote from it generously. I guarantee that everyone around you will stare in wide-eyed wonder at the depth of your knowledge.

Note: It’s not until you get home that you discover that revolting smell is your child.

The axolotl, because I know you think I made that name up.

The axolotl, because I know you think I made that name up.

My Top Ten Previous Lives and Other Nonsense

Napolean

I may have been Napoleon in a previous life.

I’ve noticed when people talk about reincarnation or previous lives, they’ve always been someone famous or influential or important. They’ve always been Napoleon or George Washington or the guy who invented the ShamWow.

Why is it that no one has ever been a banana slug or Igor the twelfth century serf who mucked out stables, and was crushed by a runaway manure cart?

After much deliberation I’ve come up with my top ten previous lives:

TEN

Big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.

NINE

Small clever dinosaur, eaten by a big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.

EIGHT

Big stupid dodo bird that jumped from a cliff in a fruitless attempt to fly–whenever the hell we lived.

dodo bird

Look at those tiny ineffectual wings, no wonder we’re extinct.

SEVEN

Mayan who first met Francisco Hernandez de Cordoba, and thought to himself: these Spaniards seem nice, I’ll introduce them to my people, nothing bad could come from that–sixteenth century, near the time of the fall of the Mayan Empire.

SIX

Wendall Newton, Sir Isaac Newton’s stupid cousin who laughed when the apple fell on Isaac’s head. Later he ate the apple and choked, it had a worm in it–seventeenth century.

FIVE

Pierre, Marie Antoinette’s advisor and later headless corpse. He advised her: just tell them to eat cake–eighteenth century.

FOUR

Adolph Hitler, but not the infamous one; just a poor lad born at the wrong time in Germany with a very unfortunate name–early twentieth century.

THREE

Raccoon who was shot, but later gained fame as Fess Parker’s hat–mid twentieth century.

TWO

Big stupid tuna fish caught in a net. Later became part of a casserole that Edwina Fornwaller took to a pot-luck dinner. It was dry and not well received–late twentieth century.

ONE

Bigfoot. Spent time lurking just out of sight, and being captured in grainy indistinguishable photographs–whenever.

fess parker

Here I am on Fess Parker’s head. Don’t I look awesome?

Lucky the Leprechaun Busted

idiotprufs, luck the leprechaun

The troubled leprechaun.

Golden Valley, Minnesota–In a shocking turn of events, longtime mascot of Lucky Charms cereal, Lucky the Leprechaun, was charged with driving while under the influence, resisting arrest and attempted bribery, according to Minnesota state police.

Upon pulling him over, he was found with several empty bottles of Irish whiskey, and a half-eaten box of Lucky Charms cereal. “I guess Lucky Charms cereal is like crack to leprechauns,” the arresting officer said, “no wonder they’re ‘magically delicious.”

“Don’t you know who I am?” The leprechaun kept yelling according to the arresting officer. Then he offered the officer three wishes and ‘all the Lucky Charms he Could snort’ if he would let him go.

It would seem that it was Lucky’s trouble had started with his pot of gold and an ill-advised wager. Apparently he had bet his entire pot of gold on the New England to win the Superbowl.

Police said it was a colleague who had prodded Lucky into the wager.

“That idiot Cap’N Crunch,” Lucky would rant. “It’s all about Tom Brady, It’s all about Tom Brady, he kept telling me.”

“He was a lot of trouble,” one of the booking officers reported. “Every time we tried to take his mug shot, he would disappear right before the camera flashed, then he would reappear and laugh hysterically…it was really annoying.”

At the bail hearing Lucky plead his case before the judge. “There’s so much pressure being an internationally known cereal mascot. Everyone expects you to keep up a certain image: clean cut and wholesome. But have you read the literature? That’s not how leprechauns are. We’re tricksters who like to smoke and drink and tell stories. Honestly, I hate kids: they’re loud and annoying and for some reason, they’re always sticky. Why the hell are they always so damn sticky?

He paused for a moment to compose himself.

“And the other cereal mascots really get on my nerves. That wimp the Trix Rabbit is always popping in unannounced, griping that he never gets any Trix because Trix are for kids. Just take some you pathetic fur ball, they’re just kids, what are they gonna do? That giant nosed freak Toucan Sam, flying around and crapping all over my carpet…you shouldn’t have to lay down newspaper just because a friend comes around. And don’t get me started on Tony The Tiger; he’s obnoxious, he smells, and I’m pretty sure he has chiggers…does any of this sound “lucky” to you?” He then began to weep uncontrollably. His tears were green.

The judge released Lucky into the custody of General Mills pending trial.

A spokesman for General Mills said, “We certainly hope Lucky can straighten out his personal life. If not, were looking into gnomes.”

Note: Authorities are still unclear as to how a naked Justin Bieber wound up in the trunk of Lucky’s car; they both claim to have no memory of what happened the night before.

idiotprufs, leprechaun

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