Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the tag “Mayans”

My Top Ten Previous Lives and Other Nonsense


I may have been Napoleon in a previous life.

I’ve noticed when people talk about reincarnation or previous lives, they’ve always been someone famous or influential or important. They’ve always been Napoleon or George Washington or the guy who invented the ShamWow.

Why is it that no one has ever been a banana slug or Igor the twelfth century serf who mucked out stables, and was crushed by a runaway manure cart?

After much deliberation I’ve come up with my top ten previous lives:


Big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.


Small clever dinosaur, eaten by a big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.


Big stupid dodo bird that jumped from a cliff in a fruitless attempt to fly–whenever the hell we lived.

dodo bird

Look at those tiny ineffectual wings, no wonder we’re extinct.


Mayan who first met Francisco Hernandez de Cordoba, and thought to himself: these Spaniards seem nice, I’ll introduce them to my people, nothing bad could come from that–sixteenth century, near the time of the fall of the Mayan Empire.


Wendall Newton, Sir Isaac Newton’s stupid cousin who laughed when the apple fell on Isaac’s head. Later he ate the apple and choked, it had a worm in it–seventeenth century.


Pierre, Marie Antoinette’s advisor and later headless corpse. He advised her: just tell them to eat cake–eighteenth century.


Adolph Hitler, but not the infamous one; just a poor lad born at the wrong time in Germany with a very unfortunate name–early twentieth century.


Raccoon who was shot, but later gained fame as Fess Parker’s hat–mid twentieth century.


Big stupid tuna fish caught in a net. Later became part of a casserole that Edwina Fornwaller took to a pot-luck dinner. It was dry and not well received–late twentieth century.


Bigfoot. Spent time lurking just out of sight, and being captured in grainy indistinguishable photographs–whenever.

fess parker

Here I am on Fess Parker’s head. Don’t I look awesome?

Stupid Mayans and John Cusack

Don't believe this man; he is a liar.image source:

Don’t believe this man; he is a liar.
image source:

So it’s December 22, 2012 and the world hasn’t come to an end. What a freaking rip-off.

For years now the hype has been building. There was going to be volcanoes. There was going to earthquakes. The Earth was going to flip over on its axis and cause huge tsunamis and global flooding.

John Cusack was going to heroically drag his dysfunctional family through one impossible scenario after another, defying the laws and science and pushing the Willing Suspension of Disbelief to its limits.

I’m disappointed in you John Cusack. I’m going to burn my copy of Say Anything.

All we got yesterday where I live, was an inch of lake effect snow. We were supposed to get six to ten inches. What an absolute freaking rip-off.

This post would be longer, but now that the world’s not coming to an end, I’ve got a pile of Christmas shopping to do.

If you can’t count on impending doom, what can you count on?

We were supposed to get this.image source: armageddononline

We were supposed to get this.
image source: armageddononline

What we got was this; pleasant isn't it?image source:

What we got was this; pleasant isn’t it? Freaking rip-off.
image source:

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