My Top Ten Previous Lives and Other Nonsense
I may have been Napoleon in a previous life.
I’ve noticed when people talk about reincarnation or previous lives, they’ve always been someone famous or influential or important. They’ve always been Napoleon or George Washington or the guy who invented the ShamWow.
Why is it that no one has ever been a banana slug or Igor the twelfth century serf who mucked out stables, and was crushed by a runaway manure cart?
After much deliberation I’ve come up with my top ten previous lives:
TEN
Big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.
NINE
Small clever dinosaur, eaten by a big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.
EIGHT
Big stupid dodo bird that jumped from a cliff in a fruitless attempt to fly–whenever the hell we lived.
Look at those tiny ineffectual wings, no wonder we’re extinct.
SEVEN
Mayan who first met Francisco Hernandez de Cordoba, and thought to himself: these Spaniards seem nice, I’ll introduce them to my people, nothing bad could come from that–sixteenth century, near the time of the fall of the Mayan Empire.
SIX
Wendall Newton, Sir Isaac Newton’s stupid cousin who laughed when the apple fell on Isaac’s head. Later he ate the apple and choked, it had a worm in it–seventeenth century.
FIVE
Pierre, Marie Antoinette’s advisor and later headless corpse. He advised her: just tell them to eat cake–eighteenth century.
FOUR
Adolph Hitler, but not the infamous one; just a poor lad born at the wrong time in Germany with a very unfortunate name–early twentieth century.
THREE
Raccoon who was shot, but later gained fame as Fess Parker’s hat–mid twentieth century.
TWO
Big stupid tuna fish caught in a net. Later became part of a casserole that Edwina Fornwaller took to a pot-luck dinner. It was dry and not well received–late twentieth century.
ONE
Bigfoot. Spent time lurking just out of sight, and being captured in grainy indistinguishable photographs–whenever.
Here I am on Fess Parker’s head. Don’t I look awesome?
idiotpruf 
I’ve always said, if reincarnation is a thing, I want to come back as a carob bean. Maybe I already did and was bad at it and this is my punishment?
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I had a bad carob bean once–I’m thinking that was you.
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Have you seen a professional about your deep-seated desire to be an animal? 🙂
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Yes. But it was a professional rodeo clown.
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Since you are now a top ten list writer, could we have been the same person or creature in one of the past lives?
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Only if we were both a banana slug.
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I also just shared your post with every psycho in the human’s family and all her furiends!!! MWAHAHAHA!😹
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I’ve been a psycho in many past lives myself.
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Mol!😹 No wonder I like you so much!!!
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Mol! 😹 Oh my kats! I have missed your blog! Now you’ve inspired me to tell my story of my purrevious 9 lives!!
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I inspire many things–most of them illegal, but it’s still inspiration.
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Mol!!!😹 Well, heck – whatever works!!!
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Have you heard of regression therapy and past lives? My friend mentioned it in front of a group of us and I think we all thought he is nuts until I realized that since I’m reading your blog, we must have know each other in a past life. Maybe you were my brother raccoon? You were always better looking so that is probably you were made into a hat and I got eaten by a mountain lion.
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I was the mountain lion.
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Ha! It is funny that people are always the reincarnated famous. Marie Antoinette has returned so many times, you think she’d be sick of us all by now. How come there are no fishwives or chamber maids? If I had a previous life, with my luck I probably would have spent it emptying chamber pots, not unlike I often do today.
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I was a chamber pot in a previous life-maybe we’ve met.
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Ha! 😉
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Right you are – all of those who believe in reincarnation think they were part of the 1 % in a previous life. Ok with me, since they were then more chances for me to be now … Oops, maybe in my next life …
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I’m just proud to have been Fess Parker’s hat.
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