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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the day “March 21, 2018”

A Celebration of Spring(s)

spring

As this is the first day of Spring, this post is devoted to my favorite springs.

Spring Theory

This is much like String Theory, a theoretical framework in which the point-like particles of particle physics are replaced by one-dimensional objects called strings.

In Spring Theory, the universe isn’t made of strings, but of tiny little Slinkys.

The Slinky

There was nothing better than getting that classic childhood toy on Christmas morning.

You would rush to the top of the stairs and send it marching down the steps in that classic Slinky way. And as if by magic, that Slinky would transform into a ball of entangled metal by the time it reached the bottom of the stairs. That Slinky would provide seconds and sometimes minutes of joyful playtime.

slinky

Good times…and the building blocks of the universe.

The Springtail

The springtail are omnivorous, free-living organisms that prefer moist conditions. Doesn’t that describe us all?

creepy bug

Isn’t it just adorable?

Coffee Springs, Alabama

Coffee Springs is a tiny town in Alabama where, I’m guessing, coffee literally springs up through the ground–how fantastic is that?

Coffee Springs has a population of 228 people who are constantly buzzed on caffeine. The people of Coffee Springs have a hard time sleeping but they get a lot done.

Jerry Springer

Are you feeling badly about yourself? Do you feel like loser or an outcast? Just watch a handful of episodes of The Jerry Springer Show and you will understand what damaged humans really look like.

Unless you’ve been cheating on your paint huffing alcoholic cousin with your other cousin (who dresses like vampire and drinks blood) while raising a child who was fathered by a third unknown party, but if the child’s behavior and appearance are indicators, could very well be a Malaysian yak, you’re probably good.

Jerry springer fight

The propensity to fly into a rage, curse like a sailor, and pepper your speech with double negatives: all helpful traits for appearing on The Jerry Springer Show.

Addendum

Some of my assertions about Coffee Springs, Alabama may not be entirely, by the strictest definition of word, accurate.

But Spring Theory is real.

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Man Drives Speed Limit On Bayfront Highway — gooferie

Local drivers were frustrated today as they were stuck behind a man driving the posted speed limit of 35mph on the Bayfront Parkway. “I was stuck behind him all the way from State Street to West 8th” complained motorist Andrew Scott of Millcreek. “I could have been home 15 seconds sooner if not for him.” […]

via Man Drives Speed Limit On Bayfront Highway — gooferie

Unhappy Penguins With Happy Feet

We’ll show you happy feet.

The zoo is place of learning, a place of discovery, a place to take in the breadth and width of God’s creation. It’s a place where every ten steps you stop and check the bottom of your child’s shoe to ensure that revolting smell isn’t something he’s stepped in.

At these zoos, zoologists separate animals into several basic categories:

Animals that can kill you by stomping on you:

  • Big elephants.
  • Not so big elephants.
  • Smallish elephants.
  • Most any elephant.
  • Mimes pretending to be elephants.
  • Hippopotami.
  • Moose.
  • Bison.
  • Really huge geese.
  • Small geese, but a butt-load of them.
  • Giraffes.
  • An incensed mob of penguins that over-heard you casually comment that Happy Feet sucked.
  • Bigfoot.
  • That crazy mom from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
  • Chris Christie.
  • Rhinos
  • The Hulk.

Animals that can kill you by biting or stinging you:

  • Rattlesnakes.
  • Scorpion.
  • Box jellyfish.
  • Black mambo.
  • The Brazilian wandering spider. If the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider doesn’t kill you, it may result in permanent impotence (Insert off-color joke here–I know have some).
  • Gerald the creepy neighbor kid.
  • Diseased rats.
  • Honey Boo Boo.

Animals that will eat you:

  • Lions.
  • Tigers.
  • Cougars–the feline type.
  • Cougars–the lady type.
  • Polar bears.
  • Yogi Bear (But only if he can’t find any pic-a-nic type baskets).
  • Crocodiles.
  • German cannibals that advertise on Craigslist.
  • Sharks.
  • Piranha.
  • Crazed bunny rabbits.
  • C.H.U.D.
  • Territorial crows.
  • Flocks of wild chickens bent on revenge.

Animals that you can eat:

  • Cows.
  • Wild boar.
  • Ducks
  • Bunny rabbits (You have to get them before they get you).
  • Geese.
  • German guys that answer your Craigslist ad.
  • Deer that your uncle shot.
  • Deer that your uncle hit with his truck.
  • What you suspect is opossum that your uncle hit with his truck, but he is suspiciously evasive about what it is.
  • Tofu turkey (Just kidding, tofu was never alive, it just tastes like something that’s dead).
  • Chicken McNuggets.

Animals that look as though they’ve been genetically altered by a mad scientist:

  • The star-nosed mole.
  • The duck-billed platypus.
  • The axolotl.
  • The aye aye.
  • The entire cast of Jersey Shore.

Animals that appear cute and cuddly but are actually quite dangerous:

  • Mink.
  • The short-tailed shrew.
  • The leopard seal.
  • Gerald the neighbor kid (Not really–he is not cute).
  • Penguins after you made that wise-crack about Happy Feet.
  • Honey Boo Boo.

So the next you go to the zoo, print-out this list and take it with you. Quote from it generously. I guarantee that everyone around you will stare in wide-eyed wonder at the depth of your knowledge.

Note: It’s not until you get home that you discover that revolting smell is your child.

The axolotl, because I know you think I made that name up.

The axolotl, because I know you think I made that name up.

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