Wouldn’t the world be a better, more navigable place, if people’s names reflected their personality traits and true characters?
Imagine if the highway patrolman could read the name on the driver’s license of that attractive young woman who’s trying to flirt her way out the ticket, and say, “I’d like to let you go without a citation Miss…Manipulative Little Tramp, but I don’t think I can do that today.”
If Phil, that wonderful guy you just met, who you are convinced will be the perfect husband, had the full name of Philandering Piece Of Crap, wouldn’t heartache be avoided?
If that cute girl who moved into your apartment building had been named Crazy Potential Stalker, none of those restraining orders would have been necessary, and that deadbolt wouldn’t have had to be replaced. (She was 110 pounds of muscle and crazy.)
If Jeffrey Dahmer had been named more appropriately, perhaps fewer young men would’ve fallen prey to his wiles. People tend to not let their guard down around you when your name is Homicidal Flesh Eating Weirdo.
If some of my aunts bore names like Insidious Hag, Conniving Bridge Troll, or anything with the words wicked or odiferous in them, perhaps I would have made fewer snarky comments about their chunky thighs or their dull-witted offspring…probably not, but perhaps.
Note: it has been brought to my attention that my uncle, Two-Faced Lying Rat-Bastard, is furious with some of the things I have written in this blog. In particular he is unhappy with my implications that some of my aunts are witches or monsters. As an olive branch, from this point forward, I will no longer imply that some of my aunts are witches or monsters; I will use only declarative statements. I’m happy we could work this out.
If Adolph Hitler had been called Genocidal Maniac, the world may have been slightly more wary during his ascent to power.
Ditto Mao Tse-tung.
Ditto Joseph Stalin.
Ditto Milton Obote.
Ditto Idi Amin.
It’s reported Idi Amin liked to be called:
His Excellency, President For Life Field Marshall Al HADJ Doctor Idi Amin DADA, VC, DSO, MC. Lord Of All The Beasts Of The Earth And Fishes Of The Sea And Conqueror Of The British Empire In Africa In General, And Uganda In Particular.
He should have been called Gigantic Arrogant Penis, or under my naming system: Piers Morgan.
A few examples of people renamed under my system:
- Justin Bieber: Annoying Little Prick.
- Taylor Swift: Annoying Chick.
- Miley Cyrus: Annoying Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
- Kim Kardashian: Undeservedly Famous Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
- Kayne West: Mr. Undeservedly Famous Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
- North West: Little Girl Routinely Picked On In School Because Her Parents Are Idiots. (Mine is only slightly less ridiculous.)
- Charles Manson: Homicidal Nutbar.
- Ted Bundy: Charming Homicidal Nutbar.
- Piers Morgan: Piers Morgan.
- My aunt: Wart-Faced Witch. (See, declarative.)
The list could go on and on, and it may in a future post.
Until next time,
Guy Who Gets Pepper-Sprayed Far Too Frequently For It To Be Reasonable.