A while back, I wrote a post entitled, What the Hell is Going on, detailing the National Institute of Health’s spending of $3.8 million to make monkeys alcoholic. (The amount spent on monkey rehab is still unreported.)
The Daily Mail has now reported another list of bizarre NIH spending:
$2.4 million to develop an ‘origami’ condom.
I’ve always felt the biggest problem with condoms is that they’re not in the shape of a swan. They’re just too easy to use; stopping to remove the condom from its package and apply it without losing the ‘moment’ is just too simple; why not also have to fold it into the shape of a dragon.
$939,000 to determine that male fruit flies prefer younger female fruit flies.
Researchers have determined that this is caused by a drop in hormone levels as female fruit flies age, but we know that’s a load of crap.
When you have a 24-hour lifespan, that midlife crisis hits you fast and hits you hard. It’s about noon, and you’re flying around a wastebasket containing a discarded apple core when the realization strikes: my life is half over, and I haven’t even had lunch yet.
You buy an unpractical sports car, start dressing inappropriately for your age, you get a couple of piercings and a tattoo that reads: forever young.
You dump your twelve-hour-old wife for a nubile six-hour-old.
You’re balding, you have a paunch, your behavior is embarrassing, and tomorrow you’ll be dead.
I believe my assessment is more accurate, and it costs $939,000 less.
$592,000 to determine that chimpanzees with the best poop-flinging skills are also the best communicators.
I think I can write without fear of contradiction: if you address someone by slapping a fistful of your feces in their face, you will have effectively gained their undivided attention.
However, be prepared for that person to subsequently communicate their feelings…violently.
$117,000 to learn that most chimps are right-handed.
Couldn’t the researchers from the previous study have just made a note of which hand the chimps were throwing their feces with; if you’re going to do something as important as throwing your feces, you’re not going to do it off-handed.
$325,000 to learn that marriages are happier when wives calm down more quickly during arguments with their husbands.
This is like doing a study to determine that fire is hot.
The real question is why wives in some marriages calm down more quickly during arguments. I’m willing to bet it’s because husbands in those marriages, during arguments, don’t say things like:
- I don’t know why you’re acting so crazy.
- I think you’re overreacting to that remark I made about your acting crazy.
- Can’t this wait until the game’s over?
- Who cares what your friends think; it’s my opinion that matters.
- Sure those jeans make you look fat. But if I wanted a skinny wife, I would have married your sister.
This study also showed that marriages were utterly unaffected when the husbands were the ones who became calm more quickly. This just proves two things that everybody already knew:
- Women just want men to understand why they’re upset and empathize with them.
- Men don’t care; we just want to drink beer and watch football without all the noise.
$832,000 went to learn if it was possible to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.
Note: is this what the couples in the previous study were arguing about? That makes sense to me.
Let’s be clear about this.
This wasn’t an attempt to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.
This was a study to learn if it was ‘possible’ to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.
Let me save you $832,000: yes, it’s possible.
Anything is possible. It’s possible to be struck by lightning. It’s possible or win the lottery. It’s possible that I’ll grow to like mimes.
Note: You’re thinking that the last item on the previous list isn’t possible. If you gave me $832,000 to like mimes, I would like me some mimes.
And how do they know uncircumcised South African tribesmen don’t wash their genitals after sex? It feels like something creepy has been going on there.
Note: perhaps uncircumcised South African tribesmen would be more conscientious of genital hygiene if they didn’t have these damned origami condoms they have to fold into the shape of a chrysanthemum.
$181,000 to study how cocaine use ‘enhanced’ the sex drive of the Japanese quail.
Why? Just Why?
It’s always been my understanding that Japanese quail are a randy bunch, to begin with; they don’t really need a nudge to have a go at it.
I think it’s a scam. I think somewhere in a seedy bar, there’s a sweaty researcher with dilated pupils and a runny nose, chatting up women, saying things like:
- Hey baby, want to come back to my lab and check out my Japanese quail.
- I’ve got cocaine; you wouldn’t believe what those idiots at the NIH will believe.
- I don’t need a grant to research you.
- I can fold a condom into the shape of a Japanese quail.
My only hope is that they put those cocaine-addled researchers in the same rehab center as the drunken, poop-flinging monkeys.
Who am I kidding? Mimes suck–no amount of money can change that.