idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “satire”

Ned the Tree Frog: A Fable


tree frog

The Fable

Ned was a tree frog who lived in a bush.

All the other tree frogs lived in big trees in the forest, but Ned had a fear of heights.

One day Ned was hopping around the forest floor when he bumped into Patty the tree frog and her boyfriend, Dirk the tree frog.

Ned had long fancied Patty the tree frog; she had big bulbous orange eyes and her skin was especially slimy and green.

“We’re having a party up in our tree tonight,” Patty told Ned, “why don’t you come?”

“He won’t come to a party in the tree,” Dirk said snidely, “Ned doesn’t like to be in the trees and our tree is the tallest tree in the forest.”

“It’s called acrophobia,” Ned defended himself, “and it’s an officially recognized fear by American Psychiatric Association, Dirk.”

“You really need to grow a pair,” Patty told Ned.

“I’m a tree frog,” Ned told Patty, “that means my genitalia consists of two interior testicles and spermatic canal. I have a pair; you just can’t see them because they’re inside my body.”

“We all have a spermatic canal, Ned,” Dirk snarked.

You’re a spermatic canal, Ned thought but could bring himself to say.

“Ned would rather stay down here on the ground like a common toad.,” Dirk told Patty in the snide way a tree frog who was a spermatic canal might.

“Some of my best friends are toads,” Ned told them.

At that Dirk and Patty laughed at Ned and hopped away to have their party.

Suddenly Ned felt very sad and very alone.

That night Ned sat in his bush with some of his toad friends and listened to the laughter and frivolity happening in the tree above.

Then one of Ned’s toad friends suggested they some gasoline and burn that tree to the ground.

And that’s what they did.

The other tree frogs never made fun of Ned again.

Moral

Don’t be a spermatic canal or your tree might get burned to the ground.

Also, don’t mess with toads.

tree on fire

What happens when you’re a spermatic canal.

Village Faces Lawsuit Following Unfortunate Tumble

falling down

Artist rendition of the incident.

North East, Pa.–The township of North East, Pennsylvania is facing a slip and fall lawsuit following an accident that occurred on township property. It seems a local resident known as Jack suffered a head injury after falling down a hill.

“The village does an absolutely dreadful job of maintaining the path on that hill,” his sister Jill said disgustedly. “We had simply gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack lost his footing on some loose gravel and tumbled down. I tried to grab him, but then I went tumbling after.”

“You have to be careful when you’re on a hill,” an unsympathetic town official stated. “Besides, that kid is a walking disaster; just last year Jack set himself on fire trying to jump over a candlestick. He thinks he’s nimble. He thinks he’s quick. But he is decidedly neither.”

“He did set himself on fire once,” Jill admitted, “I had to go up the hill by myself to fetch a pail of water just to put him out…what kind of idiot puts a well on a hill anyway?”

“I fell and broke my crown,” was Jack’s only response before adding, “I could see my own brains.”

body cast

Jack after his first attempt at skydiving.

Frog Upset by Unwelcome Kiss

disney princess

Princess and alleged frog groper.

Trouble is brewing in the Kingdom as allegations of unwanted advances have been leveled against the princess by a local frog.

“I was sitting here in the swamp next to husband when out of nowhere this giant blond tart grabs him and practically sticks her tongue down his throat,” the lady frog complained. “It was repulsive. And to make matters worse, after she gets done groping my husband, he turns into a prince. He used to be green, slimy, and lovely. Now he’s just huge, pink, and disgusting.”

“When the Wicked Witch turned me into a frog, it was the best thing that could have happened to me,” the Prince said, “People think being a prince is all wine and roses. Well, there are a lot of wine and roses, but there’s also a lot of headaches: the threat of assassination, diplomacy with other kingdoms is a nightmare, moat maintenance is a constant struggle, and there’s always the worry that at some point the peasants will realize how oppressed they are and revolt–when you’re a frog you don’t have to worry about angry mobs with pitchforks.” The Prince then leaned in and said in a hushed voice, “And that Princess is no picnic either.”

“Do you know how many frogs I had to kiss before I found the right one?” The Princess said in disgust. “Do you see this ugly sore on my upper lip, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of frog herpes.”

“Look at this worthless ineffectual tongue,” the Prince continued, “how am I supposed to catch flies with this thing? What I wouldn’t give for one blood filled mosquito right now.” 

“Excuse me while I go vomit,” the Princess said as she left in disgust.

When contacted to see if she could turn the Prince back into a frog, the Wicked Witch replied, “I’m not freaking Oprah–I don’t just give things away. I do things to make people miserable and unhappy; it’s in the job title.”

“I tried to go back to the swamp, but it’s not the same,” the Prince lamented. “I’d known my wife since she was a tadpole, but now she wants nothing to do with me. I guess I’m stuck with the Princess. Did you see that gross sore on her upper lip? Yuck!”

frog

Green, slimy, and lovely.

 

 

A World Record by a Nose


miller nose
In August of 1976, Tom Miller of the United States, spent 4 days, 23 hours, 47 minutes, and 3 seconds, pushing a peanut to the summit of Pike’s Peak, with his nose.

He set a new world record for pushing a peanut to the summit of Pike’s Peak with your nose and forever became known as a world record holder.

He also became known as, “that weirdo who pushed a peanut to the top of Pike’s Peak with his nose.”

The Guinness Book of World Records took notice and recorded his feat not once, but twice.

Once, for pushing a peanut to the top of Pike’s Peak with his nose.

A second time, for the biggest waste of 4 days, 23 hours, 47 minutes, and 3 seconds, in recorded history.

Tom Miller’s parents wept tears of joy…well, they wept a lot.

Tom Miller’s life would never be the same.

But few remember the other participant in this record-setting  journey and how he was left forever broken.

mr peanut

“Tom Miller can bite me.”

King of New York

kings crownI’ve been working on a ballot initiative for the upcoming election.

Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes, I will become king of the great state of New York.

I must admit, there have been varied reactions to the prospect of my becoming king of New York.

The reactions have ranged from mild laughter to hysterical laughter.

But I would be a kind and benevolent king.

Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed:

  • Bureaucrats.
  • More bureaucrats.
  • Parents who allow their children to run around and scream like howler monkeys in The Home Depot. (You know who you are.)
  • People who say lol out loud instead of actually laughing.
  • This one guy named Ron who is a total dick.
  • Even more bureaucrats.

Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of New York.

They throw around phrases like wildly and maniacally unhinged or dangerously and horribly unbalanced.

(Also, people who overuse adverbs need to go.)

They offer the following proofs:

  • We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
  • They say my plans for a castle with a moat violate all kinds of zoning laws.
  • They say my plans for turrets on my castle to hold cannons, would also violate zoning laws.
  • They say my plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
  • They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great state of New York that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put cannons wherever the hell I want.
  • They claim I really can’t be trusted with cannons. (This one is fair–I will lay waste to things.)
  • They oppose my plans to declare war against Canada. (King Trudeau and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
  • They oppose my plans to make Bigfoot the state bird. (Not everything has to make sense.)
  • They say my plans to seize the city of Erie from Pennsylvania and turn it into a maximum-security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
  • They claim that I am a whack-job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.

While some or most of these points are valid, who cares, I want to be king.

I’m feeling very optimistic.

Addendum:  while my previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure, I’m hopeful this initiative fairs better.

I still don’t understand why slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day failed; it’s clearly needed.

Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face…and there should be a specific day for it.

The Future of Policing (Fingers Crossed)

I recently happened upon this story at metro.co.uk about a citizen in Los Angeles who witnessed a brawl that was breaking out and tried to report it to a robot police officer:

image source: usaherald.com

“Cogo Guebara rushed over to the motorized police officer and pushed its emergency alert button on seeing the brawl break out in Salt Lake Park, Los Angeles, last month.

But instead of offering assistance, the egg-shaped robot, whose official name is HP RoboCop, barked at Guebara to ‘Step out of the way’.

To add insult to injury, the high-tech device then rolled away while humming an ‘intergalactic tune’, pausing periodically to say ‘Please keep the park clean.’”

Isn’t that awesome?

The person who programmed the robot is either tragically incompetent or a genius.

I choose to believe that person is a genius.

I have no idea what ‘intergalactic tune’ the robot was humming. I can only hope it was the theme song from Cops: “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”

Commit their crimes around HP Robocop, that’s what bad boys are gonna do.

HP Robocop is going to ignore the crime being committed and tase the concerned citizen reporting the crime. I envision the concerned citizen lying on the ground in puddle of their own drool and urine as HP Robocop rolls away humming the tune to Shock the Monkey.

At least that’s my hope.

Do I actually hope an innocent person gets tased?

Yes. Yes I do.

I’m only assuming HP Robocop is armed with a taser, but I don’t want to live in a world where HP Robocop isn’t armed with a taser. I also hope he’s programmed to aim for the groin.

There have also been reports of a second HP Robocop running into a child and a third HP Robocop falling into a fountain.

It just keeps getting better!

We need armies of HP Robocops in every community.

After scouring the local news reports here in Jamestown, NY, I found exactly zero stories about a child being runover by a robot or about a robot falling into a fountain.

I didn’t find a single story involving a robot police officer tasing someone in the groin.

It’s like I’m living in a third world country.

I just watched the latest press conference with Governor Hochul: there wasn’t a single mention of HP Robocop, it was just a big wad of useless political gibberish.

The Governor is wasting all this time on gun control when she could be bringing us HP Robocop.

Priorities!

Sure, HP Robocop probably wouldn’t stop any crime and he might even exacerbate the crime, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

It’s time to get a ballot initiative going.

It’s time to bring HP Robocop to every community.

Local Spider has Altercation with Girl

little miss muffet

An artist’s rendition of the incident.

“It was horrifying,” the victim said pausing to catch his breath, “it was probably the single most horrifying thing that’s ever happened to me.”

It seems Mr. Chadwick P. Arachnid was innocently spinning his web when a Miss Muffet began creating a disturbance.

“She was screaming hysterically and waving her arms around like a crazy person,” Mr. Arachnid said. “Then she threw a bowl at me. Now my web is filled with curds and whey; it’s completely ruined the dead flies I had stored there.”

Miss Muffet claims it was Mr. Arachnid who frightened her. “That ugly thing scared me so badly I fell off my tuffet,” Miss Muffet told us.

“I’m ugly?” Mr. Arachnid said in disgust. “I thought that screaming giant pink bulbous face of hers was the last thing I was I ever going see…and what the hell is a tuffet anyway?”

The authorities have cautioned Miss Muffet and Mr. Arachnid to keep their distance from each other.

“No one has to tell Little Miss Muffet to stay away from that awful thing,” Miss Muffet asserted.

“Did that gargantuan thing refer to herself as little,” Mr. Arachnid said in disbelief. “She should call herself Behemoth Miss Muffet.”

It took several officers to restrain Miss Muffet after she came after Mr. Arachnid with a rolled-up newspaper.

Mr. Arachnid survived the attack but is recuperating with three broken legs.

spider

“I stand by my assertion–she’s huge.”

Mad Dog 20/20: The Greatest Invention Ever


invention symbol

When you’re having a reflective moment and you’re pondering the greatest invention in human history, what springs to mind?

Is it fire? The wheel? The combustion engine? That little plastic thing that keeps the top of your pizza from being smeared on the box? All very important.

Perhaps it’s the written word. (Although that’s certainly not reflected here.)

You probably think it’s an advancement in medicine or technology.

Wrong! The answer is Mad Dog 20/20.

I know what you’re thinking: why am I wasting precious moments of a finite lifetime reading a bunch of drivel written by a person who is clearly unstable and who probably spent far too much of his youth eating paste and crayons.

Wrong Again! I still eat paste and crayons.

I’m going to provide five specific reasons for my assertion that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

Reason #1

It’s not just wine–it’s a flavored fortified wine.

It’s fortified!

Fortified wines have a higher alcohol content than regular sissy wines.

Anything with the word fort in it is inherently superior to anything without the word fort in it.

Example:

Fort Worth, Texas: thriving metropolis populated with the highest caliber of people.

Worth, Illinois: total shithole filled with mimes.

Enough said.

Reason #2

If you’re anything like me, (my sympathies if you are) you are dazzled by things that are bright and shiny. Mad Dog 20/20 is available in a myriad of brightly colored flavors. There are so many brilliant colors it’s dizzying. And if you’re into to dizziness: consuming Mad Dog 20/20 can help you with that too.

md 20/20

It’s dizzying.

Reason #3

The medical applications of Mad Dog 20/20 are practically endless.

  • It kills the Coronavirus. (It kills most living things; I assume that includes the Coronavirus.)
  • It’s essentially a cure for not having liver disease.
  • Too many pesky brain cells? Mad Dog 20/20 is the solution.
  • It makes your vomit glow in the dark–how cool is that?
  • It makes you vomit. Vomiting cleanses the body and entertains your friends.
  • It also makes your urine glow in the dark. You’d be surprised how often that comes in handy.
  • It’s a memory suppressor: if you drink a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20 and you do something crazy and stupid, you won’t remember it. (However, the authorities may remind you of what you’ve done.)

Reason #4

Applications apart from drinking it.

  • Self-defense: it can be used to blind an attacker.
  • As an adhesive: it’s one of the stickiest substances known to man.
  • Entomology: it can be used to attract bees, ants, or hobos.
  • As a repellent: it repels wombats, musk oxen, and The French.
  • Monetarily: it’s used as currency in the best federal prisons.
  • Status: if you keep Mad Dog 20/20 on display in your home, people will know you’re classy.

Reason #5

Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown of Westfield, NY. It’s a wonderful small village in western New York that has produced many brilliant people…and me.

It’s surprising the word fort isn’t in the name of the village. Strictly speaking, somebody dropped the ball on that.

I think at this point you probably agree with me that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

So, drink up.

Westfield ny

Many brilliant people.

Addendum: my apologies to the citizens of Worth, Illinois, I’m sure you’re fine people.

Slow and Steady Wins Nothing

There are people who will tell you that slow and steady wins the race.

Don’t buy it; those people are slovenly dull-witted liars who can only win races if they convince everyone else to take it slow and steady.

If you were to make a list of characteristics detrimental to winning a race, being slow would be near the top of the list.

I could make the argument that being slow is the entire list.

And I don’t want to hear that adding the word steady to the word slow makes it beneficial to winning a race. Being slow and steady simply means you’re being consistently slow.

It’s akin to saying a person is smart because they consistently do stupid things; things like claiming that slow people win races.

People like to put forth Aesop’s Fable of The Hare & the Tortoise as the prime example of slow and steady winning the race.

The Tortoise didn’t win the race because it’s better to be slow and steady; the Tortoise won the race because the Hare was clearly drugged.

You don’t just decide to take a nap in the middle of a race.

The race was being judged by the Fox and foxes are notoriously untrustworthy and degenerate gamblers.

There are two places you should never allow a fox: inside your henhouse and at the OTB.

There’s a version of the fable that details how a great forest-fire breaks out the night after the race. The Tortoise being the newly minted fasted animal in the forest, is sent to warn the rest of the animals of the forest. Because the Tortoise is slow, nobody is warned and all the animals of the forest burn to death.

Fun!

So, the next time you’re in a race, take it slow and steady, see how that works out for you.

A Bird in the Hand?

mountain bluebird

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

The meaning of the aforementioned phrase is that it’s better to have a small amount of a certain thing than to have a large amount of an uncertain thing.

What a load of twaddle; it’s way better to have two birds in the bush than a bird in your hand.

Do you know what birds do in your hand?

They crap in your hand–that’s what they do. They crap that gooey, white, disgusting feces that looks like marshmallow, but most certainly does not taste like marshmallow.

In fact, if I had a bird in my hand, I would put it in a bush.

Birds can crap in a bush all day long–it’s doesn’t matter because it’s not getting on your hand, running down your arm, and getting all over your shirt.

People tend to think less of you when walk around with a soiled shirt.

“Dude, why are you walking around with marshmallow on your shirt?” People will say to you.

“It’s not marshmallow,” you respond, “it’s bird crap.”

“That is considerably worse,” they reply, being all judgy. “How on Earth did you come to be covered in bird crap?”

“I was holding a bird in my hand and it just started crapping all over the place,” you attempt to explain.

“That’s stupid,” they inform you. “You should’ve put that bird into a bush, like a sensible person.”

If that’s not bad enough, birds are also riddled with disease and parasites. It was called the Avian Flu, not the puppy dog flu.

I would even go as far as to state that your hand is one of the worst places to have a bird.

I would prefer a bush full of birds over a single disease riddled, parasite infested, crapping, death bird, in my hand.

What a stupid saying.

bird in a bush
The proper place for a bird to crap.

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: