idiotpruf

This Blog Prevents Scurvy

Early symptoms include malaise and lethargy, and if you’re anything like me (my condolences if you are), malaise and lethargy are your baselines.

I would even venture to add bitter indifference to the malaise and lethargy.

As time persists, additional symptoms include weakness, fatigue, changes to your hair, sore extremities, gum disease, poor wound healing, easy bleeding, and an irrational fear of ladybugs.

Others will also begin to regard you as a sissy, primarily because of the ladybug thing.

Also, it’s not clear what changes to hair means. Do you lose your hair? Do start to grow hair in weird and unwanted places like under your toes or on your tongue. Either way, I don’t like it.

These symptoms can result in eating disorders, mental issues, substance abuse, and eventually homelessness.

People will refer to you as that crazy person with the hairy tongue who screams and runs away from ladybugs.

What is the scourge responsible for the aforementioned maladies? Exposure to any of the Real Housewives television shows—also, scurvy.

It’s debatable which of those two things is worse.

But there is a preventative measure that can be taken: reading this book.

That’s right! This blog prevents scurvy. It is, however, powerless against the Real Housewives. 

That’s ridiculous, you’re thinking; I’m not some 16th-century pirate; I’m not worried about things like scurvy, my rum supply, walking the plank, or the Kraken. 

Actually, you are a little worried about the Kraken, but you just drink rum until that goes away.

But can’t I just eat some orange slices, you’re thinking to yourself?

This blog is so much better than orange slices. You don’t have to peel it, it doesn’t make your fingers all sticky, and it doesn’t rot.

It does rot a little but not nearly as quickly as orange slices.

So go ahead and read this book and live free from the fear of scurvy.

But definitely watch out for the Kraken.

Addendum: it’s not debatable; the Real Housewives is worse.