idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the tag “toad”

The Injustice Must Stop

toad

I challenge you to not want to lick this toad.

Imagine the following scenario: you’re innocently walking down street, minding your own business, when suddenly from the corner of your  eye you spot something: on the grass sits a toad. You make a mental note of the toad, but you just keep walking.

But as you walk, you can’t shake one niggling thought: I could have licked that toad.

It’s a thought that persists with you through the following days. It grows from a gentle nagging into a full blown obsession.

Your days are filled with confusion and regret; your nights are haunted with sleepless torment.

And thus begins your journey as a toad-licker.

There’s no shame in it. You’re not hurting anybody. You’re still the same person you’ve always been, but people see you differently now.

Admittedly, a much higher than normal percentage of toad-kickers are criminally insane, but that’s not you.

Your friends begin to treat you differently, they shy away from you, they stop inviting you to get-togethers for fear you’ll suddenly produce a toad from your pocket and start licking it at a really inappropriate time.

You will do that, but you’re discreet about it. Besides, if you can’t lick a toad at a funeral; when can you lick a toad.

Society tries to separate and ostracize you.

It’s not like you’ve got Ebola, or the face of a goat, or you’re a Kardashian: YOU’RE NOT A FREAK!

I urge everyone to look into your hearts and give toad-lickers a chance; toad-lickers are people just like you and me…apart from all the toad-licking and the fact they rarely bathe.

Please, toad-lickers just need some understanding…except for this guy–he’s a weirdo.

toad licker

This guy just ruins it for everyone.

 

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Where is the Toad-Licker Justice?

toad licker

A close friend of Richard Mullins.

The Story

An Indiana man who was licking a toad while dancing by himself on an Indiana sidewalk is locked up after ignoring a trespass warning issued by cops, according to police.

Note: if he had a toad, surely he wasn’t dancing by himself.

La Porte Police Department officers were called to a bar when Richard Mullins, 41, refused to leave the property after being escorted outside by security. The barefoot Mullins was not allowed entry into JJ’s Side Out Bar and Grill, when he would not provide bouncers with ID…also, he was licking a toad.

toad licker

Richard Mullins: dance enthusiast, toad-licker, and Tchaikovsky fan.

When questioned by cops, Mullins had a “blank look on his face but no pupil dilation to suggest he was under the influence of any drugs.”

The toad had a look of simple resignation on his face.

Officers warned Mullins that if he returned to the bar’s property he would be arrested. Mullins seemed to understand the warning. “As he was dancing he would walk right up to the property line that we pointed out and then he would retreat, often by executing a perfect Grande Jete,” an officer stated. “He also had a wonderful arabesque…it was simply breathtaking.” The officer then wiped a tear from his eye.

But a few minutes after receiving the trespass warning, Mullins returned to the bar’s parking lot. When police subsequently approached Mullins, he was holding another toad. He also seemed to be performing the part of Odette from Swan Lake. Possibly a scene from act 4 where Odette has resigned herself to death. Responding officers couldn’t be certain of this, as he seemed to be performing the Mariinsky Ballet version, in which everybody knows: Odette lives happily.

Charged with misdemeanor trespassing, amphibian assault, and just acting like a weirdo, Mullins was booked into the La Porte County jail, where he is being held in advance of a June 30 court appearance.

The toads opted for separate legal council.

Since the police report does not identify what kind of toad Mullins was licking, it is impossible to determine the amphibian’s potential psychoactive properties or its toxicity.

The toads however were completely stoned as a result of contact with Mullins’ tongue.

The Point

When will the blatant discrimination against toad-lickers stop?

For far too long toad-lickers have been the targets of police brutality.

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your race: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your sexual orientaion: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re licking a toad, barefoot, and slightly odd looking: perfectly well and fine in our backwards society.

How is it anybody’s business what a grown man and his toad do together?

Where’s the Supreme Court on this issue?

Isn’t it time as a people, we give toad-lickers the respect they deserve?

Thank you.

Addendum

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re Justin Bieber: well that’s pretty much just common sense.

bieber toad licker

“When I lick a toad…I forgot what I was going to say.”

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