idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the tag “mystery”

The Mysterious Case of the Vanishing Big Mac

mystery

The trip was brief.

The controversy has endured.

Four Big Macs were purchased. Four Big Macs were present in the take-out bag. Four Big Macs were removed from the take-out bag. One person claims to have never gotten a Big Mac. Three others claim to have eaten only one Big Mac apiece.

Accusations have flown. Accusations still fly.

That fateful night:

The names have been changed to…screw it, these are the actual names.

Lance: Give me my Big Mac.

Matt: You ate it.

Lance: No I didn’t.

Matt: Yes you did.

Lance: I think I would remember eating a Big Mac.

Matt: Evidently you don’t.

Lance: Hey Al, you ate my Big Mac didn’t you?

Al: (Al grunts something inaudibly as he consumes his Big Mac, and drools on himself.)

Me: Well I didn’t eat it.

Lance: One of you ate my Big Mac!

An hour later, sitting on Matt’s front porch.

Lance: I can’t believe you guys ate my Big Mac.

Matt: You ate the Big Mac!

Lance: Look at me, I have no sesame seeds on me. If had eaten a Big Mac, I would have sesame seeds all over me.

Me: Maybe the seeds fell off.

Lance: What about the lettuce? What about the secret sauce? There’s not a drop of secret sauce on my face…I can’t believe you guys ate my Big Mac.

Years later:

Lance: Remember that night you guys ate my Big Mac.

Matt: YOU ate the Big Mac!

Still more years later:

Lance: I really wanted that Big Mac that you guys ate that night.

Matt: (Says nothing in an act of silent frustration.)

More recently:

Lance: One of you ate my Big Mac that night.

Matt via email: There’s no dispute, Lance wolfed it down in two bites.

Lance: That’s not how it went down.

Like Amelia Earhart’s strange disappearance into the Bermuda Triangle; the years have offered no answers, only more questions.

So if you’re ever traveling on that mysterious stretch of road, and you have take-out, be wary.

One Mystery Solved

stonehenge

Was Stonehenge used by ancient astronomers to track the movements of the sun and the moon? Was Stonehenge a calendar used to mark the changing of the seasons? Was it used specifically as a tribal burial ground? Was it built for religious purposes? Was it left behind by aliens?

Don’t be ridiculous–the druids got it from Ikea and they just couldn’t figure out how to put it together.

The druids were notorious for their inability to follow instructions. Why do you think they followed the flight of birds; they were absolute garbage at maps.

Fred and Myrtle Glengoogly were following a friends instructions to a solstice celebration, they took a wrong turn and wound up in Holland.

Stonehenge looked fantastic in the showroom.

“How hard could it be to put together?” Fred asked Myrtle.

“How hard was it to follow a map to the solstice celebration?” Myrtle retorted.

“We took one wrong turn,” Fred responded.

“Yes we did. We took one wrong turn across the English Channel…you never want to follow the flight of birds.”

“I don’t need to follow a bunch of stupid birds,” Fred said angrily. “Besides, do you want to live in an earthen hovel your entire life? It’s damp and there’s spiders.”

“You’ll never get that thing together,” Myrtle told him.

Fred got it anyway.

Fred and Myrtle were soon separated following several bitter arguments revolving around the 437 different types of screws that came with Stonehenge and one particularly unfortunate remark about the placement of a stud mount.

Myrtle and the earthen hovel are long gone, but Stonehenge remains as a reminder to us all not to buy crap from Ikea.

ikea

How hard could this be?

flintstone house

How Stonehenge was supposed to look.

 

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: