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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the day “February 8, 2018”

Even More Taglines For Your Approval

taglineIllegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest, is the current tagline for this blog.

However, it is now illegal in all 50 states, the United States Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Frowned upon in Puerto Rico.

So it’s time for a change.

Not a change in the blog, but in the tagline; the statement above is just too wordy to be a tagline.

Note: this blog is still legal and well received in the District of Columbia, various militia run compounds that have declared independence from the United States, and the Vatican.

So it’s time to choose a new tagline.

idiotprufs: the blog that once made Pope Francis laugh so hard he peed himself.

idiotprufs: the blog that is widely used as currency in Bolivian prisons.

idiotprufs: the blog that took the Tide pod challenge and thought it was delicious.

idiotprufs: that blog that was shattered when The Amish Mafia was taken off the air.

idiotprufs: the blog that just can’t get the theme song from The Poseidon Adventure out of its head.

idiotprufs: the blog that was heartbroken when it discovered Mary Poppins isn’t a true story.

idiotprufs: the blog with cat-like reflexes and is as equally adept at using a litter box.

idiotprufs: the blog that has in no way been influenced by the Russians.

idiotprufs: the blog that used to call itself Miranda.

idiotrufs: the best way to spend the day if Jumbles are too complicated for you.

idiotprufs: the blog the solved two sides of the Rubik’s Cube then just gave up.

idiotprufs: the blog that was thrown out of a party after it made a rude comment about another blog’s toupee.

idiotprufs: the blog that is convinced that Rudy was offsides.

idiotprufs: the blog that lives in a glass house, but throws stones anyway.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s been pepper-sprayed far more times than is reasonable.

idiotprufs: the blog that leaves a stain that you just can’t get out.

idiotprufs: the blog that once met the Dali Lama and thought he was kind of full of himself.

idiotprufs: the blog that hates it when it burns it tongue on hot coffee and then can’t taste anything the rest of day.

idiotprufs: the blog that is frequently printed out just to be used to line bird cages.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s frequently crapped on by birds.

idiotprufs: the blog that just found out the word is spelled: idiotproofs.

idiotprufs: what the hell else are gonna do with your time?

One of these lucky taglines will become the new tagline for this blog.

Good luck to all of them.

Rubik's Cube

The blog that couldn’t get this far.

 

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Where is the Toad-Licker Justice?

toad licker

A close friend of Richard Mullins.

The Story

An Indiana man who was licking a toad while dancing by himself on an Indiana sidewalk is locked up after ignoring a trespass warning issued by cops, according to police.

Note: if he had a toad, surely he wasn’t dancing by himself.

La Porte Police Department officers were called to a bar when Richard Mullins, 41, refused to leave the property after being escorted outside by security. The barefoot Mullins was not allowed entry into JJ’s Side Out Bar and Grill, when he would not provide bouncers with ID…also, he was licking a toad.

toad licker

Richard Mullins: dance enthusiast, toad-licker, and Tchaikovsky fan.

When questioned by cops, Mullins had a “blank look on his face but no pupil dilation to suggest he was under the influence of any drugs.”

The toad had a look of simple resignation on his face.

Officers warned Mullins that if he returned to the bar’s property he would be arrested. Mullins seemed to understand the warning. “As he was dancing he would walk right up to the property line that we pointed out and then he would retreat, often by executing a perfect Grande Jete,” an officer stated. “He also had a wonderful arabesque…it was simply breathtaking.” The officer then wiped a tear from his eye.

But a few minutes after receiving the trespass warning, Mullins returned to the bar’s parking lot. When police subsequently approached Mullins, he was holding another toad. He also seemed to be performing the part of Odette from Swan Lake. Possibly a scene from act 4 where Odette has resigned herself to death. Responding officers couldn’t be certain of this, as he seemed to be performing the Mariinsky Ballet version, in which everybody knows: Odette lives happily.

Charged with misdemeanor trespassing, amphibian assault, and just acting like a weirdo, Mullins was booked into the La Porte County jail, where he is being held in advance of a June 30 court appearance.

The toads opted for separate legal council.

Since the police report does not identify what kind of toad Mullins was licking, it is impossible to determine the amphibian’s potential psychoactive properties or its toxicity.

The toads however were completely stoned as a result of contact with Mullins’ tongue.

The Point

When will the blatant discrimination against toad-lickers stop?

For far too long toad-lickers have been the targets of police brutality.

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your race: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your sexual orientaion: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re licking a toad, barefoot, and slightly odd looking: perfectly well and fine in our backwards society.

How is it anybody’s business what a grown man and his toad do together?

Where’s the Supreme Court on this issue?

Isn’t it time as a people, we give toad-lickers the respect they deserve?

Thank you.

Addendum

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re Justin Bieber: well that’s pretty much just common sense.

bieber toad licker

“When I lick a toad…I forgot what I was going to say.”

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