idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “satire”

18 Nov 2016
10 Comments

Taglines and More Taglines

taglines

Because they haunt your dreams.

“Striving every day to do the least idiotic thing possible, generally failing.”

The above statement had been the tagline of this blog since its inception–sadly, it’s also been the guiding principle of my life–but it felt as if it was time for a change. (For the tagline, my life’s an irreparable heap.)

So I decided to change it this:

“Read by four out of five drunken monkeys-written by the fifth.”

Well, it’s time for a change again. So I’m trying out a few possibilities.

idiotprufs: what happens when you don’t listen to that nagging little voice in your head.

idiotprufs: the blog that is wanted by the authorities for questioning.

idiotprufs: just do it. (Evidently, the people at Nike think they own everything.)

idiotprufs: the blog that got so drunk last night, it can’t remember where it left its pants.

idiotprufs: the last blog you will ever read…after you’ve stabbed your eyes out with a shrimp fork.

idiotprufs: the blog that makes my friends deny they know me.

idiotprufs: the reason most of my aunts no longer speaks to me. (I wish I had started it sooner.)

idiotprufs: the reason I’ve been burned in effigy by Bolivian pudding makers.

idiotprufs: reading it will make your breath perpetually minty fresh.

idiotprufs: the blog labeled a bitter disappointment by its parents.

idiotprufs: the blog that was a banana slug in a previous life.

idiotprufs: the blog that is…um…interesting.

Note: The above tagline is an actual quote from someone after reading this blog; I think she thought it was more polite than saying, “it made me vomit uncontrollably.”

idiotprufs: the blog that was abandoned in the wilderness, but found its way home.

idiotprufs: the new black–black is now forest green.

idiotprufs: it’s addictive like heroin, but without the needles.

idiotprufs: the subject of dozens of lawsuits.

idiotprufs: it’s only libel if isn’t true.

idiotprufs: it’s better than chugging a bowl full of Sea Monkeys.

idiotprufs: the blog that requires you to have all your shots.

idiotprufs: the crayon drawing of the literary world.

idiotprufs: not everybody that reads it suffers from a debilitating brain aneurysm…but it helps.

idiotprufs: it’s like something Mark Twain would write, but without all that annoying humor and wit.

idiotprufs: five minutes of your life that you will never get back.

idiotprufs: it’s like that rash that just won’t go away.

idiotprufs: reading it prevents scurvy.

idiotprufs: the blog that has resulted in almost zero cases of rabies.

idiotprufs: it’s practically a cure for not being an ax-wielding maniac.

idiotprufs: the blog that has never caused cancer in lab rats. (However, it is a death sentence for yaks.)

idiotprufs: Bigfoot’s favorite blog next to Outdoor Life.

idiotprufs: overlooked by the Pulitzer committee for purely political reasons.

idiotprufs: the blog that ran into Piers Morgan’s blog in a crowded bar, and beat the crap out of it.

idiotprufs: the real reason Edward Snowden fled the country.

idiotprufs: the only blog read aloud in Buckingham Palace.

idiotprufs: the blog that openly wonders if men from Nantucket ever get sick of being facetiously asked if they’re “the guy” from the limericks.

idiotprufs: the blog that caused Justin Bieber to snap.

idiotprufs: only stupid, repugnant, ugly people don’t like it.

idiotprufs: the blog that is being carefully monitored by the NSA.

idiotprufs: the greatest thing on the internet since that piano playing cat.

idiotprufs: the real father of Snooki’s baby.

idiotprufs: the blog that makes your eyes do this:

kimberly goodman

What did I just read?

idiotprufs: it’s considered a vile profanity in Portuguese.

idiotprufs: virtually none of the death threats were credible.

idiotprufs: developed in a secret underground laboratory below Martha Stewart’s house, by a race of super-smart ferrets.

Note: Mr. Squeakers, a ferret that escaped from Martha Stewart’s compound, described her home as wreaking of buttermilk pancakes and fear, but he also described it as being very tastefully decorated.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s destined to rule the world with an iron fist!

I kind of like the last one.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational, lists, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
29 Oct 2016
14 Comments

Irate Beaver ‘Takes Man Hostage’

mad beaver

Irate Beaver ‘Takes Man Hostage’

When I saw the headline above in my news feed, I felt an irrational giddiness, and a myriad of questions sprung to mind. (My giddiness faded slightly when I realized it didn’t read: Irate Bieber ‘Takes Man Hostage.’)

  • Did the beaver have a list of demands?
  • What was on the beaver’s list of demands?
  • Did he want a million dollars and a helicopter, or was he just after some good dam building thrush?
  • What was he so upset about?
  • Was he tired of the way his wife sarcastically says, “yeah, he’s as busy as a you-know-what,” when he hangs out with his buddies the muskrats, most of whom she does not approve?
  • Did he stumble upon a mirror and shockingly discover how ridiculous his teeth look?
  • Was he fed up with all the new EPA regulations that are making dam building a nightmare of red tape?
  • Was he just sick of hauling around stones and mud in the muck?
  • Who was the guy he’d taken hostage?
  • Was it some jerk throwing rocks at his dam?
  • Was it a smart alec who made one too many derisive comments about his big floppy tail?
  • Or was it one of those jackasses from the EPA who are always up in his business?

I decided to read the article to find out.

A rogue beaver struck terror into the heart of a man making his way home late at night in the Latvian city of Daugavpils, according to a local newspaper report picked up by Latvian Public Broadcasting.

The man, identified only as Sergei, says the beaver ran out of some bushes and suddenly bit him. He fell over as he tried to fight the rodent off and was bitten again as he tried to get up.

In what USA Today describes as a “Kafkian nightmare,” Sergei phoned police as the beaver “held him hostage” and refused to let him get up, only to have his plea for help allegedly dismissed as a prank call.

I can’t be certain, but I think USA Today may be confusing the works of Franz Kafka with Mad Magazine.

Sergei managed to persuade an initially disbelieving friend to come to his rescue, but the friend was pulled over by police for speeding. Cops—after breathalyzing the friend—accompanied him to the scene and discovered he had been telling the truth about the hostile beaver.

It is literally impossible to read the preceding paragraph and not feel happy.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t point something out: every time I’ve been pulled over for speeding because I was on my way to help a friend who was being held hostage by a beaver, the police here in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania have been nothing but helpful. Sure, they beat me tree branches and taser me a bit, but that’s to be expected.

Animal welfare officers were called and the man’s ordeal ended with him receiving 15 stitches, though the beaver is still at large. Latvia’s TV.Net reports that authorities in Daugavpils are taking the incident seriously, though it is “quite difficult to choose the measures which should be taken” to prevent similar attacks by beavers, which can become increasingly aggressive when they seek out new homes in spring.

The beaver is still at large? So the beaver outsmarted Latvian police and animal welfare officers–good for you beaver…good for you.

And it is quite difficult to choose the measures which should be taken. So let’s do nothing, because the more stories that pop up like this one, the better. (Except for Sergei, my apologies to Sergei.)

beaver

Latvian police sketch artist rendering of alleged perpetrator–be on the lookout.

Posted in funny, Humor, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
02 Oct 2016
8 Comments

Top Ten Ways Tom Brady has Passed the Time During his Suspension

tom brady family

Tom’s been spending a lot of time with the family lately…and with a big creepy firetruck.

As many of you are probably aware, New England Patriots’ quarterback, Tom Brady, is entering the final week of a four week suspension from the team.

The NFL imposed the suspension in an official statement that read:

As the all-powerful and omnipresent National Football League, we hereby declare that Tom Brady is a liar-liar-pants-on-fire cheater. We believe he oversaw the purposeful deflating of official game balls so they would more readily fit in his tiny little-girl hands. We also believe he occasionally taunts squirrels and steals their nuts, just for the fun of it. While squirrel taunting isn’t expressly against any NFL rules, we just think it’s creepy.

As a part of the suspension, Tom can have no contact with the team or his teammates. So he had to find ways to pass the time.

#10

Needlepoint: Tom has mastered the craft of counted thread embroidery. His home is now decorated with dozens of embroideries that bear the same quaint saying: Roger Goodell Sucks.

#9

Ancestry.com: upon studying his ancestry, Tom discovered he is descended from a famous 19th century hot-air balloonist. Tragically his ancestor perished when he attempted to make a flight with his balloon badly under-inflated.

#8

Football Accident: Tom has been dealing with the fallout after inadvertently hitting his sister, Marcia Brady, in the face with a football on the day of her big date with Doug Simpson the local football star.

football brady

Tom Brady’s sister: Marcia Brady.

#7

Giselle: he’s been spending a great deal of time hanging out with his wife, Giselle, and her friends.

Victoria's Secret

In case you were starting to feel sorry for Tom…don’t.

#6

Scrapbooking: after taking a scrapbooking course at the local learning annex, Tom compiled a complete history of the entire deflategate saga. He entitled it: Roger Goodell Sucks.

#5

Some Light Reading: Tom read The Truth about Inflation by Paul Donovan. It had absolutely nothing to do with footballs.

Tom Brady

A horribly misleading title.

#4

Some more light reading: after the bitter disappointment of The Truth about Inflation, Tom joined a book club. They were reading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares. He found it to be heartwarming, and lamented that he and Rob Gronkowski can never find a pair a jeans that perfectly fits them both.

Note: Tom also read a biography of Roger Goodell–it sucked.

#3

Part-Time Job: Tom took a part-time job at a local service station checking tire pressure. He was let go for obvious reasons.

#2

Frivolous Lawsuit: Tom has filed a ridiculous and petty lawsuit against a small-time blogger who may have or may not have implied that Tom occasionally taunts squirrels and steals their nuts.

#1

Viagra Spokesman:

brady

“When that special moment starts to happen, is your “game ball” under-inflated?”

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists, top ten list and tagged , , , , , , ,
09 Sep 2016
10 Comments

Errant Cannon Fire from Niagara Deflates World’s Largest Rubber Duck

I am overjoyed at how many people thought this really happened.

Staff Reporter's avatargooferie

frdTragedy struck at Erie’s Tall Ships Festival this morning when a cannon from the Niagara misfired and shot a cannonball into the world’s largest rubber duck, deflating it within minutes.

Witnesses say the giant duck was floating about 30 yards from the Niagara when the shot was fired. “It’s a shame,” said festival patron Ernie, no last name given. “I’m awfully fond of that rubber ducky.”

Repairs are already underway as workers have gathered over 100 rolls of duck tape to patch up the hole.

The owners of the duck, Big Duck LLC, plan on sending the bill to the Niagara League. They will also submit an invoice for damages.

View original post

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
01 Aug 2016
54 Comments

My Rejection Letter From Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories.

This was one of my first posts, and it’s still one of the most popular. Go figure.

Dear Mr. Idiotprufs,

Here at Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories, we gain no greater satisfaction than when we create new and fresh children’s literature. So, believe me when I express to you, we empathize with and appreciate your desire to write children’s stories. That being said, please stop it.

We believe that your talents lie in a genre away from children’s literature, very far away from children’s literature.

Take for example the first story you sent us, Little Timmy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines. A little boy’s first kite is a good idea for a children’s story. A little boy’s first experience with radical skin grafting: not so much.

Similarly, your story, The Poorly Constructed and Precariously High Treehouse, starts out with a treehouse–a good subject for a children’s story. It ends with a full body cast, and an addiction to painkillers–a bad subject for a children’s story.

And for the love of all that is good and merciful, please stop sending us stories that involve diseased chimpanzees.

For your reference, here is a list of topics unsuitable for children’s stories:

  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from the zoo.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from the circus.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a research lab.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility run by evil albino Nazis.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility under Bill Gates home.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility run by evil albino Nazis, under Bill Gates home.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from Martha Stewart’s house. (If Miss Stewart were to ever have a chimp, we are certain it would not be diseased.)
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a one-eyed organ grinder.
  • A one-eyed organ grinder.
  • A diseased chimp with intestinal parasites.
  • Intestinal parasites.
  • Parasites of any kind. (Tapeworms are not lovable and are seldom named Henry.)
  • Virtually any idea that has ever manifested in your head.

In regard to your proposal for a series of books based on the ghost of a mischievous monkey that haunts children who won’t eat their vegetables: it’s not a good idea. That doesn’t even take into consideration the certain legal difficulties that would arise from your main character: Mysterious George.

We hope that you will heed our advice and take to heart the following suggestions:

  1. Seek professional help.
  2. Whatever medications that are certain to be prescribed, take them.
  3. Stay as far away from children’s literature as you possibly can.

Sincerely,

Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories

P.S. In retrospect, stay as far away from actual children as possible.

treehouse

How could a story about this not be great?

  

Posted in funny, health, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
18 Jun 2016
17 Comments

Punch an Idiot in the Face Day

jack elam you sure ask a lot of questions
happy face idiot
wifes feet dont smell enough
cartoon scientists pictures
punch an idiot in the face day
bug eyed cartoon characters
job interview with gator boots
school counselors dumb
my idiot neighbor

Several random thoughts immediately leapt into my brain after this cluster of search terms appeared on my stats page.

Note: there’s a lot of room in my brain for random thoughts to leap, stretch out, or do an entire gymnastic floor routine; it’s pretty vacant up there.

Thoughts such as:

  • What kind of questions does Jack Elam ask, and why are there so many of them?
  • How badly do your wife’s feet have to smell for it to be enough?
  • How do you know my neighbor, and how do you know he has a happy face?
  • Would I look good in gator boots?
  • Wow, this blog certainly attracts some weirdos (but not you).
  • Punch and idiot in the face day? Is that a real thing?

After doing an extensive amount of research (Google) I discovered “punch an idiot in the face day” isn’t a real thing.

Bitter disappointment.

Then I had another thought: just because something isn’t a real thing, doesn’t mean it can’t be.

So after once again doing an extensive amount of research (Wikipedia) into the process of initiating a ballot measure in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I came to a conclusion: it’s a lot more work than I am willing to do.

Just a few of the things required:

  • A petition containing signatures equal to 10% of the last local general election vote for governor. (Governor? I thought Pennsylvania had a potentate.)
  • These signatures must be real people and not characters from Warner Brothers cartoons.
  • If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, there is an enormous amount of extra paperwork involved.
  • If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, your parents are dicks.
  • None of the signatures can be from dead people; this is not Illinois.
  • Petitions must be submitted by the 13th Tuesday before the election. Petitions may be circulated for (at most) 7 weeks, and circulation may not begin before the 20th Tuesday prior to the election. Initiated measures may be submitted at primary, municipal, or general elections…and must be written in yaks blood.
  • You must understand the previous requirement and be able to cite it verbatim while juggling running chain saws.
  • Election officials must submit successful initiatives to voters at the next primary, general, or municipal election occurring not sooner than the 13th Tuesday after the initiative was filed.
  • The successful initiatives mentioned in the previous requirement, must be submitted in triplicate with the third set written entirely in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
  • Every fifth word of every document must be written in a silly font.
  • Pointing out to any official, that the previous two requirements contradict each other, will result in the immediate disqualification of your ballot initiative. You will also be slapped in the face and poked in the eyes, Three Stooges style.
  • The Pennsylvania election code requires you to obtain the following items: holy water, a cross, a wooden stake and a clove of  garlic. (Sorry, that’s the Transylvania election code.)
  • You must be able to find Harrisburg on a map of Pennsylvania.
  • You must be able to find Pennsylvania on a map of the United States.
  • You must be able to find Pennsylvania Avenue on a Monopoly Board.
  • If you roll doubles three times in a row, you have to go to jail.
  • You must purchase a lot of maps and board games.
  • Petition circulators must attest to the validity of petition signatures in a notarized affidavit.
  • You have to know what an affidavit is.
  • In some instances, you may have to sacrifice a small animal under a full moon.
  • You must be able to say name of, Intercourse Pennsylvania, without giggling.
  • You absolutely must be able to deal with bureaucrats without flipping out and stabbing someone in the face with a bayonet.

See what I mean, and this is just the first page.

Then I had another thought (I’ve been on fire with thoughts lately) I need to think like a politician: I just need to convince a bunch of willing dupes to pursue my vision, let them do all the work, then take all the credit when the initiative passes.

Brilliant.

I will keep you updated.

jack elam at idiotprufs

“Hello, I’m Jack Elam and every day is punch an idiot in the face day for me, idiot.”

Addendum:

I’ll bet you thought I was going to mention Justin Bieber somewhere in this post.

Well you were wrong…apart from this bit.

 

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
10 Jun 2016
23 Comments

Does a Bee Sting in the Penis Hurt?

bee sting

“You want me to sting you where now?”

A million-dollar National Science Foundation grant was given to Cornell University so a researcher could force bees to sting him on his penis to find out how much it hurts.

Let that sink in.

The idea was inspired by an unfortunate situation when a honeybee flew up Michael Smith’s shorts and stung him. “I was really surprised that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would,” he said. The experience got him thinking: where is the most painful place on the body to get stung by a bee?

Oddly, it didn’t get him thinking about his choice of shorts when bike riding or his strange proclivity for rubbing flower pollen on his inner thighs before he goes bike riding.

Note: the bee found the whole experience to be horrifying. “I was just buzzing along, very busy as we’re known to be when suddenly I was all up in this dude’s junk,” the bee said.  

With the financial support from a National Science Foundation’s grant to Cornell University, Smith forced honeybees to sting more than 25 locations on his body from the face to the genitals. He then rated the pain caused by each of the stings on a scale of “Ouch” to “Holy Crap, What Have I Done.“

To compel a bee to sting, it was grabbed by the wings and pressed against the desired sting location.

Note: the million-dollar research grant pales in comparison to the multi-million-dollar lawsuit filed by the bees who were “compelled” to sting Michael Smith in the penis.   

The least painful locations to be stung by a bee for Michael Smith were the skull, middle toe tip, upper arm, and in the face of some guy who happened to walk into the room at the wrong time.

The most painful places to be stung for Michael Smith were the nostril, upper lip, and the genitals.

Note: shockingly, being stung in the genitals does hurt.

Also painful for Michael Smith was the broken nose that resulted when the guy who got stung when he happened to walk into the room at the wrong time punched him in the face.

Michael originally had his eyeball on the list of body parts to be stung but was talked out of it by his advisor, Tom Seeley.

Note: I think it’s safe to say that, despite the advice about the eyeball, as an advisor, Tom Seeley failed Michael Smith miserably.  

Michael concedes this study is limited by its low sample size: one person, himself.

“It is possible that if other people were tested, they would not rank the painfulness of the stings in the same way or perceive pain similarly by location. It is also possible a female researcher may rate being stung in the genitals very differently,” Michael stated.

His attempts to find a female test subject ended after the fifth time he was pepper-sprayed.

In case you’re wondering, these methods do not conflict with the Helsinki Declaration, a set of ethical principles for research involving human subjects developed by the World Medical Association.

In an “unrelated” experiment, researchers from Brown University set out to see if they could convince some moron from Cornell to compel bees to repeatedly sting him in the penis.

Helsinki is looking into it.

Addendum: the assertion that Michael Smith rubs flower pollen on his inner thighs before he goes bike riding is purely speculation on my part…but he probably does.

bee sting penis

I think I see where Michael Smith went wrong.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
24 May 2016
17 Comments

Hey Idiot–Use Your Good Eye

(image source: wpcliparts.com)

People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.

One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people over the edge.

It will make the most even-tempered among us see red and spit blood.

It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and obscenity laced tirades.

It will even cause Pope Francis to punch mimes in the face.

What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.

Note: I was just kidding about people who screw-up traffic causing Pope Francis to punch mimes in the face; mimes are the reason Pope Francis punches mimes in the face. 

Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”

Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.

Here are just some of the ways you can screw-up traffic:

  • By driving.
  • By driving too slowly in the fast-lane; it’s called the fast-lane, people are trying to get somewhere.
  • By driving too fast; are you trying to kill someone, maniac?
  • By never using your turn signal; let people know what you’re doing. You’re obviously stupid, we just don’t know how stupid.
  • By consuming 15 to 20 cans of Coors Light before driving your kids to Sunday School.
  • By driving for miles and miles with your turn signal blinking for no apparent reason.
  • By sitting at a 4-way stop and gaping numbly at the other drivers when it’s clearly your turn to go.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to make an obscene gesture to another motorist.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to text your friend; nothing you have to say is important.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend. (You will however need to find it to dial 911 after you hit that tree.)
  • By driving down the road with your seat-belt dangling out the door, making sparks on the road; it’s dangerous when you cause other motorists to laugh hysterically.
  • By having your automobile come to an abrupt stop in the middle of a busy street because your transmission fluid has suddenly drained from your car. (This is your not fault; you can tell all those idiots honking their horns to shove it.)

Shove it!
(image source: wpclipart,com)

Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.

Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed-up traffic.

Posted in Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
09 Apr 2016
70 Comments

How to Make Your Wife’s Feet Stink Like Cheese

Are your wife's feet repulsively minty fresh? Don't worry, it can be fixed.

Are your wife’s feet repulsively minty fresh? Don’t worry, it can be fixed.

It’s happened again: yet another poor soul has come to this blog in search of answers to questions that I don’t readily have.

Questions that are disturbing.

Questions that aren’t the type asked in polite company.

Questions reserved for the darkened corners of dimly lit rooms in seedy establishments on the fringes of society, and sometimes on the Joy Behar Show.

It started when this search engine term led some poor wretch to my blog:

why does myI did my best to answer that question with the post: You Found What on Your What?

Note: Again, I am just a little unsettled that the search term “sexy man riding a unicorn images” leads people to this blog, and very unsettled by who those people might be.

So now this crops up on the list of search engine terms on my stats page.

wife's feetNote: I am irrationally proud of the fact the search term “monkey stink” leads people to this blog. 

I’m going to do my best to aide this person, I am nothing if not filled with compassion.

First, I have a few questions of my own:

  1. Why?
  2. Seriously, why?
  3. Is this some bizarre fetish of which I am unaware? If it is, I choose to remain unaware.
  4. What type of cheese are you looking for? A soft cheese like Brie, or hard cheese like Asiago?
  5. Does your wife even want her feet to stink like cheese?
  6. Do your feet stink like cheese?
  7. Are you just trying to cover-up the fact that your feet stink like cheese by making your wife’s feet stink like cheese?
  8. Are you really that selfish?
  9. Are you the type of person who constantly puts himself ahead of others?
  10. Are you the type of person who gets in the express lane at the supermarket with a cart full of groceries, and then tries to claim that you have less than 12 items.
  11. Do you then try to pay for your cart full of groceries with a check, even though you haven’t any I.D. with you.
  12. Do you then fumble around dumbly for cash–now that you’ve ground the express lane to a torturous halt–to find that you have only a two-dollar bill and some Canadian half-pennies?
  13. Where the hell did you get Canadian half-pennies?
  14. Are you that moron who drives down the road with your seat-belt hanging out the door, making sparks on the road?
  15. Maybe the real problem with your wife is that you don’t satisfy her sexually. Did you ever consider that?
  16. Maybe what your wife needs is a good divorce lawyer.
  17. I’ll bet you like mimes don’t you?
  18. How can you like mimes, they are so irritating?
  19. When they do that fake crying thing, I just want to punch them in the face.
  20. What kind of total jackass likes mimes, and wants his wife’s feet to stink like cheese, as he screws up the express lane and drives like an idiot?
  21. Moron.

Anyway, try rubbing your wife’s feet with Limburger cheese. The bacterium used in the fermentation process of Limburger cheese (Brevibacterium linens) is the same bacterium that causes foot odor.

I hope this was helpful…jerk.

I hope this turns you on...weirdo. (image source: wpclipart.com.)

I hope this does it for you…weirdo.
(image source: wpclipart.com.)

Posted in funny, health, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Nov 2015
9 Comments

Ray-Ray is a Pretty Boy

news

You may have noticed I enjoy writing posts based on bizarre news stories.

For example:

  • The guy who attacked his ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend with a dead weasel. (In the guy’s defense: it’s hard to attack someone with a live weasel.)
  • The off duty cop who allegedly assaulted his girlfriend because she attacked him with a Justin Bieber doll. (In the cop’s defense: it must have been horrifying to have that smug little face flying at him.)
  • The Bigfoot hunter who filed a police report claiming Bigfoot pelted his RV with rocks. (In Bigfoot’s defense: the man was obviously an obsessed stalker.)
  • The man who was arrested for trespassing while behaving bizarrely and licking a toad. (In the man’s defense: it’s difficult to lick a toad and not behave bizarrely.)
  • The Japanese restaurant that serves a curry that is designed to taste and smell like human feces. (In the restaurant’s defense: there is no defense, it’s just horrifying.)
japanese curry

I wasn’t joking about the curry.

And in recent news.

Oakland Raiders linebacker, Ray-Ray Armstrong, is facing third-degree felony charges for–you’re gonna love this–taunting a K-9 service dog on the field prior to their game with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Raiders player barked at the dog, lifted his shirt and pounded his chest as he taunted the dog according to Chief Deputy Kevin Kraus.

Isn’t that just fantastic?

Kraus said the player also told the deputy holding the K-9 to “send the dog.”

“The dog was going crazy,” Kraus said. “The deputy was trying to control the dog the best she could.”

k9

The K-9 involved offered no comment, but simply got in his vehicle and drove away.

The sheriff’s office notified the Steelers, the NFL, and the Raiders of the investigation.

They also notified Ray-Ray’s mom, and were assured he would receive a whoopin’.

The Raiders signed Armstrong in October 2014 after the St. Louis Rams cut him for committing an excessive number of penalties…and for his propensity to lift his shirt, pound on his chest, and taunt random animals.

The Ram’s organization cited one particularly disturbing incident involving Ray-Ray, a parrot named Petey, and a chest pounding, obscenity laced tirade aimed at the parrot.

Ray-Ray claimed that it was the parrot who started it.

“Ray-Ray is a pretty-boy,” was the parrot’s only comment.

Armstrong could face serious charges as “taunting a police animal” is a third-degree felony in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

Note: as a current resident of Western Pennsylvania I feel qualified to address this: we couldn’t care less if you want to taunt a police dog. As long as you don’t care if a police dog chomps you in the man bits.

german shepeard

See what happens?

A few other things that are third-degree felonies in Pennsylvania.

  • Carrying a gun without a permit
  • Terroristic threats.
  • Taunting a police animal.
  • Taunting a German Shepherd.
  • Taunting a German.
  • Taunting a shepherd.
  • Taunting sheep.
  • Pretending you like a police animal, then acting all aloof the next time you see it.
  • Attacking someone with a Justin Bieber doll.
  • Attacking someone with Justin Bieber.
  • Attacking Justin Bieber with a dead weasel.
  • Taunting Justin Bieber. (I’m just kidding, this is encouraged.)
  • Taunting Bigfoot.
  • Licking a toad. (But only if toad hasn’t given its consent.)
  • Licking Bigfoot and taunting a toad. (Bigfoot never objects to being licked…make of that what you will.)
  • Reckless burning or exploding. (I’m not making this one up.)
  • Reckless burning, exploding optional.
  • Making long and pointless lists.

The Allegheny County Sheriff’s department is currently investigating the incident.

The unfortunate thing for Ray-Ray (apart from his name) is there were about 50,000 witnesses.

If only he had taunted Justin Bieber instead.

oakland raiders

Alleged dog taunter, and recipient of an imminent whoopin’.

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