Hey Idiot–Use Your Good Eye
People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.
One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people into profanity laced tirades.
It will make the most even-tempered among us see red and spit blood, some of it our own.
It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and fist waving.
It will even cause the Pope to punch mimes in the face.
What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.
Note: I was just kidding, mimes are the reason the Pope punches mimes in the face. They refuse to break character when you need to talk to them, but hit a mime in the stomach with a ukulele just one time, and they won’t shut up once the police arrive.
Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”
Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.
Here are just some of the ways in which you can screw-up traffic:
- By driving.
- By driving too slowly in the fast-lane; it’s called the fast-lane, people are trying to get somewhere.
- By driving too fast; are you trying to kill someone, maniac?
- By never using your turn signal; let people know what you’re doing. You’re obviously stupid, we just don’t know how stupid.
- By driving for miles and miles with your turn signal blinking for no apparent reason.
- By trying to navigate a 4-way stop; they are the Bermuda Triangles of the traffic world.
- By taking your eyes off the road to make an obscene gesture to another motorist.
- By taking your eyes off the road to text your friend; nothing you have to say is important.
- By taking your eyes off the road to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend.
- By taking your eyes off the road and your hands off the steering wheel to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend, because it has bounced under the passenger side seat. (You will however need to find it to dial 911 after you hit that tree.)
- By driving down the road with your seat-belt hanging out the door, making sparks on the road; it’s dangerous when you cause other motorists to laugh hysterically.
- By having your automobile come to an abrupt stop in the middle of a busy street because your transmission fluid has suddenly drained from your car. (This is your not fault; you can tell all those idiots honking their horns to shove it.)
Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.
Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed up traffic.