what the hell else are you gonna do with your time?

Hey Idiot–Use Your Good Eye

(image source:

People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.

One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people into profanity laced tirades.

It will make the most even-tempered among us see red and spit blood, some of it our own.

It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and fist waving.

It will even cause the Pope to punch mimes in the face.

What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.

Note: I was just kidding, mimes are the reason the Pope punches mimes in the face. They refuse to break character when you need to talk to them, but hit a mime in the stomach with a ukulele just one time, and they won’t shut up once the police arrive.

Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”

Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.

Here are just some of the ways in which you can screw-up traffic:

  • By driving.
  • By driving too slowly in the fast-lane; it’s called the fast-lane, people are trying to get somewhere.
  • By driving too fast; are you trying to kill someone, maniac?
  • By never using your turn signal; let people know what you’re doing. You’re obviously stupid, we just don’t know how stupid.
  • By driving for miles and miles with your turn signal blinking for no apparent reason.
  • By trying to navigate a 4-way stop; they are the Bermuda Triangles of the traffic world.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to make an obscene gesture to another motorist.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to text your friend; nothing you have to say is important.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend.
  • By taking your eyes off the road and your hands off the steering wheel to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend, because it has bounced under the passenger side seat. (You will however need to find it to dial 911 after you hit that tree.)
  • By driving down the road with your seat-belt hanging out the door, making sparks on the road; it’s dangerous when you cause other motorists to laugh hysterically.
  • By having your automobile come to an abrupt stop in the middle of a busy street because your transmission fluid has suddenly drained from your car. (This is your not fault; you can tell all those idiots honking their horns to shove it.)

Shove it!
(image source: wpclipart,com)

Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.

Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed up traffic.


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17 thoughts on “Hey Idiot–Use Your Good Eye

  1. I knew from the first time my father tried to teach me to drive (a big long box van) that you don’t take your eyes off the road to find the brake–hence hitting the ditch! Or the house……….I don’t drive, I know I’m a menace, I wish others would come to realize this also!


  2. Bravo! I’m always fist waving even though I’m not a grandmother nor do I have grey hair. Well, a little grey but no one needs to know that. But I curse everyone out during traffic. I expect to see a huge pile up at the end of it all, but when traffic begins to eventually flow I’m trying to wonder what the hell caused all that traffic to begin with. It gets my goat. (If I had a goat).


  3. I have done only #5 and it was not on purpose. I drive probably less than 4,000 miles a year anyway so people are safe from me.



    * rolling on the floor laughing* (literally- belly up)!



  5. So the stereotypes are true.


  6. I now live in Asia… screwing up traffic is common practice for no apparent reason. I guess just because they can?


  7. Sooooo… someone learned a lesson about transmission fluid the hard way huh?
    And does said someone know that motor oil acts like the blood in your veins so without it, or with all sludgey oil in it your car is like a human without a pumping heart. Which is essentially a zombie, and we’ve all had just about enough of zombies for a while. So change your oil. Or write another hilarious post, your choice.


  8. That really was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.


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