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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the month “April, 2016”

Oh the Injustice

no-justice3Oh I am just so mad.

I haven’t been this upset since those heartless bastards at “The Learning Channel” canceled Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

(How am I supposed to learn about exploitative child beauty pageants, chalk miners, or dating registered sex offenders, now?)

I’m so rankled I could punch a mime in the face.

What is it that has me in such a state?

Injustice, that’s what has me going all Bruce Banner.

(I almost went all Bruce Forsyth, but I don’t think I could have pulled that off.)

bruce forsyth britain

Sir Bruce Forsyth. You don’t want to make him mad. You wouldn’t like him when he’s mad.

It seems the will of the people is going to be disregarded.

The Natural Environment Research Council launched a drive to find public suggestions for the name of their soon-to-be-built £200m research vessel.

They asked the people to speak, and the people spoke loudly. So rabid were the voters, the NERC website crashed under the weight of pure ship-nomenclature enthusiasm.

And what name was it that had the public so energized?

The RSS Boaty McBoatface

I know! Isn’t that awesome?

injustice

A research vessel tragically not named Boaty McBoatface.

Boaty McBoatface received 10 times more votes than the more serious second favorite, Henry Worsley, named for the British explorer who died in January near the end of his attempt to become the first person to cross the Antarctic unaided.

(Sometimes it’s okay to ask for help.)

But wait. It seems the powers that be aren’t thrilled by the choice. They feel the choice is silly and not at all suitable for something as serious as a research vessel. So they’re going to ignore the will of the people and go with a name of their choosing. A name they feel is less ridiculous, more suitable.

(Why did an image of Donald Trump’s face just flash into my brain…he has magnificent hair.)

the donald

“I have magnificent hair.”

I want the people of Britain to understand that here in the United States, we feel your pain. You may be losing Boaty McBoatface, but we’ve lost Honey Boo Boo.

Heartless bastards.

Addendum

The RSS Honey Boo Boo…I like it.

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How to Make Your Wife’s Feet Stink Like Cheese

Are your wife's feet repulsively minty fresh? Don't worry, it can be fixed.

Are your wife’s feet repulsively minty fresh? Don’t worry, it can be fixed.

It’s happened again: yet another poor soul has come to this blog in search of answers to questions that I don’t readily have.

Questions that are disturbing.

Questions that aren’t the type asked in polite company.

Questions reserved for the darkened corners of dimly lit rooms in seedy establishments on the fringes of society, and sometimes on the Joy Behar Show.

It started when this search engine term led some poor wretch to my blog:

why does myI did my best to answer that question with the post: You Found What on Your What?

Note: Again, I am just a little unsettled that the search term “sexy man riding a unicorn images” leads people to this blog, and very unsettled by who those people might be.

So now this crops up on the list of search engine terms on my stats page.

wife's feetNote: I am irrationally proud of the fact the search term “monkey stink” leads people to this blog. 

I’m going to do my best to aide this person, I am nothing if not filled with compassion.

First, I have a few questions of my own:

  1. Why?
  2. Seriously, why?
  3. Is this some bizarre fetish of which I am unaware? If it is, I choose to remain unaware.
  4. What type of cheese are you looking for? A soft cheese like Brie, or hard cheese like Asiago?
  5. Does your wife even want her feet to stink like cheese?
  6. Do your feet stink like cheese?
  7. Are you just trying to cover-up the fact that your feet stink like cheese by making your wife’s feet stink like cheese?
  8. Are you really that selfish?
  9. Are you the type of person who constantly puts himself ahead of others?
  10. Are you the type of person who gets in the express lane at the supermarket with a cart full of groceries, and then tries to claim that you have less than 12 items.
  11. Do you then try to pay for your cart full of groceries with a check, even though you haven’t any I.D. with you.
  12. Do you then fumble around dumbly for cash–now that you’ve ground the express lane to a torturous halt–to find that you have only a two-dollar bill and some Canadian half-pennies?
  13. Where the hell did you get Canadian half-pennies?
  14. Are you that moron who drives down the road with your seat-belt hanging out the door, making sparks on the road?
  15. Maybe the real problem with your wife is that you don’t satisfy her sexually. Did you ever consider that?
  16. Maybe what your wife needs is a good divorce lawyer.
  17. I’ll bet you like mimes don’t you?
  18. How can you like mimes, they are so irritating?
  19. When they do that fake crying thing, I just want to punch them in the face.
  20. What kind of total jackass likes mimes, and wants his wife’s feet to stink like cheese, as he screws up the express lane and drives like an idiot?
  21. Moron.

Anyway, try rubbing your wife’s feet with Limburger cheese. The bacterium used in the fermentation process of Limburger cheese (Brevibacterium linens) is the same bacterium that causes foot odor.

I hope this was helpful…jerk.

I hope this turns you on...weirdo. (image source: wpclipart.com.)

I hope this does it for you…weirdo.
(image source: wpclipart.com.)

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