idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the month “May, 2016”

Hey Idiot–Use Your Good Eye

(image source: wpcliparts.com)

People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.

One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people over the edge.

It will make the most even-tempered among us see red and spit blood.

It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and obscenity laced tirades.

It will even cause Pope Francis to punch mimes in the face.

What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.

Note: I was just kidding about people who screw-up traffic causing Pope Francis to punch mimes in the face; mimes are the reason Pope Francis punches mimes in the face. 

Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”

Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.

Here are just some of the ways you can screw-up traffic:

  • By driving.
  • By driving too slowly in the fast-lane; it’s called the fast-lane, people are trying to get somewhere.
  • By driving too fast; are you trying to kill someone, maniac?
  • By never using your turn signal; let people know what you’re doing. You’re obviously stupid, we just don’t know how stupid.
  • By consuming 15 to 20 cans of Coors Light before driving your kids to Sunday School.
  • By driving for miles and miles with your turn signal blinking for no apparent reason.
  • By sitting at a 4-way stop and gaping numbly at the other drivers when it’s clearly your turn to go.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to make an obscene gesture to another motorist.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to text your friend; nothing you have to say is important.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend. (You will however need to find it to dial 911 after you hit that tree.)
  • By driving down the road with your seat-belt dangling out the door, making sparks on the road; it’s dangerous when you cause other motorists to laugh hysterically.
  • By having your automobile come to an abrupt stop in the middle of a busy street because your transmission fluid has suddenly drained from your car. (This is your not fault; you can tell all those idiots honking their horns to shove it.)

Shove it!
(image source: wpclipart,com)

Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.

Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed-up traffic.

Ungulate Whore and Few Other Search Terms

looking detective search term idiotprufsAs I was perusing my search terms page, I decided that it was time to do another post on some of the more bizarre search terms.

These are exactly the way I found them, with a few comments or observations from myself.

Hall & Oates beef jerky  A genius marketing plan–nothing says Philadelphia soul music like dried meat products.

drive nails through Scrotum  It is my sincerest hope that this person wasn’t looking for a how-to site.

testicle nails  You can find these in your local hardware store, right next to the wood screws.

testicles sister  I’ve never met her, but do know testicle’s brother.

Note: A disturbing number of search terms contained the word testicle.

Scientology and Body Hair  The title of John Travolta’s unauthorized biography.

carton of mad  I purchase my mad by the case; it’s cheaper that way.

playdough science experiments fire.  Bill Nye’s best episode ever.

proof gremlins don’t exist  Gremlins do exist, a troll told me.

do gremlins poop or pee  Constantly, according to the troll.

Cure for hiccups the government won’t tell  First the grassy knoll, and now this.

does our government lie about mermaids?  No. But just try asking those weasels about hiccups.

girl traffic diarrhea  A girl with a problem.

holding in diaphram erectile dysfunction  A guy with a problem.

“most disturbing part” sexual  The same guy.

Can your guidance counselor call you stuiped?  Only if you misspell the word stupid.

is your guidence counselor supposed to be nice  Of course. What a stuiped question.

poop finger paint  The cause of my lifetime ban from the Louvre.

who hates raccoons  Anyone who knows the pain of being stood up on prom night…by a raccoon.

toothless idiot pictures  A bad fetish site.

ungulate whore  A worse fetish site. (But an amazing name for a racehorse.)

obese garden gnome image   A really disturbing fetish site.

paris hilton tourette syndrome  A new and terrifying form of Tourette Syndrome. Sufferers will seek out attention of any kind. They will accost anyone holding a camera while screaming, “everybody look at me. I have a tiny dog that fits in my purse.”

Cartoon stick girl  Another search result involving Paris Hilton.

do new justin beiber dolls come out 2012  Only if my prayers come true.

How do I meet the new neighbors?  See search term below.

i don’t want to meet the new neighbours  Please, let these two people be neighbors.

lab rats French  Similar to normal lab rats, but they wear tiny berets.

mad scientist who made Frankenstein  Good question. Here’s another: what was the name of that famous baseball player who died from Lou Gehrig’s disease?

is walking and lifting heavy objects exercise  I consider just thinking about walking and lifting heavy objects to be exercise.

how to clean and stretch a raccoon  Finally, somebody is addressing this problem.

how to make wooden knickers for bigfoot hunting.  We have wooden knickers for everything else.

ways of saying you are a peon  See search term below.

can you get a concussion from walking into a glass door?  Peon.

is it illegal to stab somebody in the face with plastic forks  It won’t be if my ballot initiative goes well. Vote early. Vote often.

“You Make My Dreams”
with Hall and Oates beef jerky.

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