idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “humour”

10 Mar 2017
5 Comments

It’s not About Me

egomania

An artist’s rendition of myself.

I’ve been asked why this blog doesn’t have an about page.

Do you think I’m an egomaniac who can’t stop talking about himself and who constantly refers to himself in the third person?

Well, idiotprufs doesn’t do that.

There are many valid reasons why I don’t have an about page and many of them have nothing to do with the outstanding warrants. Here are just a few.

  • All of the outstanding warrants. (Since when did society get so touchy about not wearing pants?)
  • When this blog did have an about page, it seemed to be a repository for diatribes of hate. I had to block Grandma from leaving comments altogether.
  • To prevent stalkers. I am constantly being stalked by women. Mostly it’s because they have subpoenas for me. But that’s still stalking.
  • Plausible deniability. If I blog about having a cousin who’s half spider monkey, I can claim it’s a different blogger who coincidentally has a cousin who’s half spider monkey. (It’s really me…don’t tell anyone.)
  • I’m trying to keep a low profile because of the alien abductions. I’m tired of all their probing. Not anal probing, they just ask me a lot of really personal questions…although most of the questions are about my anus.
  • I’m trying to reduce the number of times I get pepper-sprayed to ten or twelve times a year.
  • I’m boring. If you need to read about me to be entertained, you have serious problems. (The fact that you’re reading this blog right now is an indicator that you may have issues.)
  • I’m still being hunted by the mimes. It’s just a good thing all their weapons are imaginary. Stupid mimes.
  • I’m very reclusive. I’m like Howard Hughs without the money, fame, or achievement. It’s just me alone in a room with jars of toenail clippings.
  • Pure and unapologetic laziness. An about page is just so much effort.

I may relent in the near future and post something about myself–I’m horribly weak. (See, there’s something about me.)

Final Note: while I may have none of the achievements of Howard Hughs, I am dating Katherine Hepburn. Actually, it’s Katherine Hepburn’s ghost. She’s cheating on me with Spencer Tracey’s ghost. It’s all very disturbing.

Hepburn

“You’re no Howard Hughs–except for the debilitating paranoia.”

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Mar 2017
7 Comments

Just a Quick Clarification

floppy eared dog

There may be some readers of this blog who have made an inference (due to no fault of my own) based upon things they think they may have read in this blog.

It is my desire to stem any disinformation that may persist and to eliminate even the most infinitesimal chance of confusion.

To be perfectly clear: I have absolutely no firsthand knowledge that any of my aunts have a pseudo-penis.

If you are laboring under the impression that one of my aunts has a pseudo-penis, that’s on you.

That being said, I have absolutely no firsthand knowledge that my aunts don’t have a pseudo-penis.

I mean, it’s statistically unlikely that any of my aunts have a pseudo-penis, but I do have a lot of aunts.

But saying that something is statistically unlikely is pretty much the same as saying it is possible.

So let’s just leave it at this: while statistically unlikely, it’s entirely possible that one or more of my aunts have a pseudo-penis…but you didn’t get that from me.

I have a cousin that’s half spider monkey. She doesn’t have a pseudo-penis, but she does have a prehensile tail. She’s a pleasant enough girl, but the way she wolfs down grubs at the dinner table is quite off-putting.

Her mother on the other hand (who may or may not have a pseudo-penis) is a horror. Remember the mother alien from Aliens? That big, ugly, drooling, murderous beast. That thing was a cherub compared to my cousin’s mother.

aliens

A cherub in comparison…and this thing doesn’t have a pseudo-penis.

I do have an uncle who menstruates. You may think that’s not physiologically possible, but he does it. He thinks nobody knows–everybody knows.

Grandma calls him a medical miracle, but that’s just because freak of nature sounds bad in the Christmas letter.

His wife has a pseudo-penis.

Correction: it is statistically possible that his wife has a pseudo-penis. I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea.

I trust this post has cleared things up.

And maybe certain family members will be less angry with me…they’re so touchy.

Final Note: aren’t you glad I didn’t include a picture of pseudo-penis in this post?

monkey

See how useful a prehensile tail can be.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
02 Mar 2017
17 Comments

A Few Thoughts About Smuggling Horse Genitals

customs

“You can stay, but horse genitals have to go.”

You may have seen an odd story in the news a few weeks ago. A story about pair of women caught trying to smuggle 13 pounds of horse genitals into the country.

Two immediate thoughts leapt into my head.

  1. When you’ve been caught smuggling 13 pounds of horse genitals, you’ve likely taken a few missteps down the path of life. Weird irrevocable missteps.
  2. Your high school guidance counselor has failed you miserably.

The two women were carrying 13 pounds of horse genitals and three liters of yak milk.

Note: if I’ve learned anything from Martha Stewart, it’s that it is a major faux pas to serve horse genitals without the proper pairing of yak milk. You can also use a lighter bodied Zinfandel in a pinch.

One of the women claimed the genitals were needed for medicinal purposes.

Evidently smuggling 13 pounds of horse genitals is a cure for not being creepy.

Horsemeat is prohibited from entering the U.S. if it’s not accompanied by an official government horsemeat certification from the country it came from.

Note: am I the only person that finds it odd that ‘an official government horsemeat certification’ is a thing?

A Customs and Border Protection officer, a Mr. Ed, summed up the incident, “it was all just so horrifying.”

Mr. Ed

A customs officer being consoled after a horrifying discovery.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
02 Mar 2017
2 Comments

In Honor of Dr. Seuss Day: Horton Hears a Chigger

chigger

You found this on your what?

So the other day these search terms popped up consecutively on my stats page:

feeling ill images

chiggers on testicles

Which comes first?

Are you feeling ill, and then you discover it’s because you have chiggers on your testicles?

Or, do you discover that you have chiggers on your testicles, and that makes you feel ill?

home alone

Not only was Kevin left home alone, but he’s also discovered chiggers on his testicles.

As I was pondering this, the progression of search terms changed to this:

feeling ill images

horton hears a who

chiggers on testicles

How different would Theodor Geisel’s story been if Horton hadn’t heard a Who on a speck of dust, but had discovered chiggers on his testicles?

Would he have been as protective of them?

Would he have been equally harassed and ridiculed by kangaroos and monkeys?

What if Vladikoff the Vulture had tried to fly away with them?

And what if the monkeys and kangaroos had tried to boil them in Beezle-Nut oil?

Just something to think about.

Think about testicles.

horton hears a who

I think I can hear something, and it’s making me itch in an unspeakable place.

 

 

Posted in funny, health, Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
01 Mar 2017
62 Comments

Dear Critic

the critic

Due to recent events, I believe it’s time to dust-off this post from several years ago.

Dear critic,

I want to extend my deepest apologies to you. I know that I have failed you, as a blogger, and as a man.

I understand that my blog is not what you desire it to be.

But know this: I feel your pain.

Every time I stumble upon a blog about a person dealing with their battle with depression, I think to myself: why aren’t you blogging about pumpkins, or carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns, or pumpkin pie, or any gourd based pastry? How dare you blog about something that is important to you?

Every time I come across a blog about photography, I think: why so many pictures? Mountains, rivers, trees, children at play, it nauseates me? Why aren’t you blogging about foot fungus or calligraphy? Why aren’t you blogging about foot fungus, written in calligraphy? Shame.

I recently found a blog devoted strictly to the music of the Beatles. I know what you’re thinking: what about the Spice Girls? When are Scary, Sporty, Baby, Ginger, and Posh going to get their due? I have always felt that Victoria Beckham doesn’t get nearly the amount of press she deserves. You can suck up to Sir Paul McCartney all you want; he isn’t going to be your friend.

And when I find a blog about food, I think: why aren’t you blogging about your collection of toenail clippings? And if you don’t have a collection of toenail clippings, why not? All you need are toenail clippers, a mason jar, and a bit of a creepy bent. Time is wasting.

When I discover a blog about politics, I think: why aren’t you blogging about mimes…strike that, mimes suck.

You took me to task for not commenting on the Charlie Hebdo incident. You felt that, I, as a humor blogger (as lighthearted and funny as mass murder is) had a duty to stand up for freedom of speech. But isn’t freedom of speech also the right to choose what not to write about?

Note: Sorry, I was starting to make a serious point there. I will now counter it with a goofy image of baby chicks in jester hats.

Silly Chicks

That’s better.

And finally, when I come across a blog devoted to criticizing other blogs, I think: well done, you are doing yeoman’s work. Keep it up, you make the sun shine brighter.

So dear critic, in the future I will strive to do better.

Best regards,

idiotprufs

P.S. Oscar Wilde once wrote that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and yet the highest form of intelligence. If it the case that sarcasm is beyond your grasp: you suck.

Victoria Beckham

Don’t worry Victoria, we’ll get your face out there.

 

 

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , ,
27 Feb 2017
4 Comments

Russian Hacks Erie Election?

election bigfootErie, Pennsylvania — Scandal has struck in Erie Pennsylvania. It seems a recent election held by The Erie County Chapter of Bigfoot Hunters and People who Wander in the Woods Aimlessly for club president has erupted in controversy.

The losing candidate, Ron Smith, has called foul, asserting the election was stolen from him by the Russians. “It was that shifty rat Sergey,” Mr. Smith stated referring to Sergey Pavlychko another member of the organization. “We all wrote our votes down on a piece of paper and Sergey went around collecting them in Skeeter McDougall’s ‘Sasquatch your back’ hat. Explain to me why Sergey was the one who volunteered to collect the votes?”

sasquatch

The humorous baseball cap at the center of the controversy.

“I’m the sergeant-at-arms; it’s my job to collect the votes,” Sergey explained. “And tell that asshat I’m Ukrainian.”

“I’ve heard that Sergey’s cousin’s neighbor has a friend who lives two villages over from a guy who once met a farmer who raises pigs, and that farmer sold a pig to a butcher who made bacon that he sold to a chef who then used that bacon to make a bacon sandwich that Vladimir Putin ate…and I heard it was delicious. And then I lose this election–that can’t be a coincidence,” Ron stated.

“Asshat,” Sergey reiterated.

Ron then revealed that before the vote, he asked every member who they were going to vote for and they all said they were voting for him.

“Ron has remarkably bad breath and he spits a lot when he talks,” a member who wished to remain anonymous reported. “You’d tell him anything to get him away from your face.”

“The biggest problem with Ron is that he is almost completely stupid,” said Larry Smith, his victorious opponent and nephew. “Aunt Leona calls him the shame of family.”

“This election is illegitimate and I will do anything necessary to undermine Larry’s presidency, even to the point of destroying this organization,” a defiant Ron exclaimed.

“The family Christmas is going to suck more than usual this year,” Larry said.

While Ron has called for multiple recounts and a probe into Sergey’s Russian pig butcher ties, the results of the election stand.

Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment. Evidently he was somewhere in the Russian countryside, shirtless, riding a horse bareback, looking for grizzly bears to wrestle.

putin horseback

“Who doesn’t love a good bacon sandwich?”

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Feb 2017
9 Comments

12 Reasons Lady Gaga’s Costume Designer Hates Her Job

In honor this year’s Super Bowl halftime entertainment.

One:

It’s ridiculously hard to hem a strip steak.

lady-gaga-costume-240a

Accessories include: matching belt, handbag, and A1 Steak Sauce.

Two:

You’re constantly being followed by packs of feral dogs.

The rest of you-she's this way.

“The rest of you, she’s this way.”

Three:

The fact that half of her wardrobe needs refrigeration.

More perishable clothing from that trouble maker Ellen.

More perishable clothing from that trouble maker Ellen.

Four:

That queasy feeling you get in your stomach when you go to a barbeque at Lady Gaga’s house, and she serves steaks and salad.

Five:

Having to deal with Britney Spears’ uppity costume designer, every time you ask to borrow her snake.

Just an All-American girl and her freakishly huge snake.

Just an All-American girl and her freakishly huge snake.

Six:

That confusingly contradictory tattoo she has on her butt, of Winnie The Pooh with his head caught in a honey pot.

I'm so adorable that it's confusingly contradictory.

“I’m so adorable that it’s confusingly contradictory.”

Seven:

They way she gets yellow powder over everything after she wolfs down a bag of Cheetos.

Nothing wrecks the mood of dead-carcass costume, more than Cheetos dust.

Nothing wrecks the mood of a dead-carcass costume, more than Cheetos dust.

Eight:

When anti-fur protesters throw blood on Lady Gaga, and it makes her costume better.

Nine:

That unnerving feeling you get, that this one is going to send you straight to Hell.

This one's gonna cost you.

This one’s gonna cost you.

Ten:

Your warm childhood memories of Sesame Street and Kermit The Frog have been destroyed forever.

Hi-Ho, I'm Kermit The Frog-help me please!

“Hi-Ho, I’m Kermit The Frog–HELP ME PLEASE!”

Eleven:

When people ask you the innocuous question: “What did you do at work today?” And you pause momentarily, then sob uncontrollably.

Twelve:

The weight of the horrible knowledge that you helped turn this girl:

Doesn't she look sweet/

Doesn’t she look sweet?

Into this girl:

gaga

Posted in Humor, idiotprufs, lists, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
02 Feb 2017

Virginia Zoo Misplaces Weird Looking Panda

red-panda-2The Virginia Zoo has announced that it has lost Sunny, its prized red panda. A frantic search was launched Tuesday morning when it was discovered Sunny wasn’t in her enclosure.

Upon investigation it was discovered a dimwitted caretaker named Ron was responsible for the escape. It seems Ron believing that Sunny was some weird raccoon that had gotten into the panda enclosure, opened the gate and shooed it away by manically waving a feces encrusted pitchfork and screaming, “git you weird raccoon, git.”

It seems the zoo has endured several odd mishaps at the hands of Ron; some of them involving misplaced animals, many of them involving feces, all of them disturbing.

“The biggest problem we have with Ron is that he is almost completely stupid,” one zoo official said. “He was kicked repeatedly in the head by a bongo antelope, and he was remarkably stupid before he got repeatedly kicked in the head by a bongo antelope. You should never try to collect animals’ feces by standing behind it with a bucket.”

bongo antelope

Bongo antelopes prefer to do their business in private.

After days of searching, Sunny still has not been located. Zoo officials fear the red panda has escaped the boundaries of the Zoo.

“Ron has a way of driving things away,” the zoo official said. “Usually it’s women, but I guess this time it was a red panda.”

While the zoo officials remain hopeful, they do concede that when Ron drives something away, it generally flees the state and changes its name.

Addendum

While recalling one incident involving Ron, a wombat, and a bag of feces, one colleague began to laugh so hysterically he lost consciousness.

wombat poop

Wombat feces: they do look like brownies, especially if you’re an idiot.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
12 Jan 2017
13 Comments

What the Hell is Going on?

drinking monkey

(image source: washingtontimes.com)

Here is an excerpt from an article from The Washington Times.

Right now the National Institutes of Health is spending $3.2 million to get monkeys to drink alcohol excessively to determine what effect it has long term on their body tissue.

I have so many problems with this:
  • Do you think it’s wise for an animal already prone to flinging its crap, to drink alcohol excessively? Crap flinging is the main reason I don’t get invited to parties anymore.
  • I don’t need $3.2 million to tell what the long-term effect of drinking alcohol on body tissue: it’s really bad. In fact, alcohol is practically a cure for not having cirrhosis.
  • There’s already been long-term documentation on the effects of drinking alcohol excessively. It was called Jersey Shore, and the results were horrifying. Odd skin discoloration, weird ceramic-looking hair, annoying speech patterns, promiscuous behavior, and a general oafishness, were just some of the effects displayed during this study. And once they introduced the alcohol it got really bad.
  • What questionable methods are these researchers employing to get these monkeys to drink excessively? Do they give them low-paying jobs, put them in loveless marriages, and constantly remind them of their unfulfilled potential? Do they make listen to bleak Russian poetry with its dark imagery and veiled critique of Stalinism, or worse: Sylvia Plath poems. Do they make them watch Jersey Shore reruns with the knowledge that these people are now wealthy and famous? The possibilities are all very disturbing.

And then I came upon this excerpt from the same article:

NIH also has handed out $69,459 to the University of Missouri to study whether text messaging college students before they attend pre-football game tailgates will encourage them to drink less and “reduce harmful effects related to alcohol consumption.”

We’re spending money trying to stop college students from drinking at football games. That’s like trying to stop plants from photosynthesizing in the sunlight.

Meanwhile, we’re forcing alcohol, and likely Sylvia Plath, down the throats of innocent monkeys!

And how are these text messages supposed to work? Are they based on how well the warnings on the packs of cigarettes have worked? You could put the following warning on a pack of cigarettes:

Smoking can cause heart disease, lung cancer, strokes, bad breath, rabies, Ebola, explosive diarrhea, your left eyeball will at a really inconvenient time, dry mouth, and your penis may or may not fall off.

And all anyone will think is: whoa, these must be good cigarettes.

Why do we even bother putting people in prison when all we have to do is send out the following text message:

Dear Good People,

Please refrain from theft, assault, and most crucially–murder. Basically, don’t do anything illegal. You get the idea. After all, what are we–a bunch of drunken monkeys? lol.

Thank you for your time.

This is all very disturbing to me. I think I’ll join the monkeys and have a cocktail. I may even fling a little crap.

Posted in fitness, funny, health, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
19 Dec 2016
11 Comments

Thank You Crazy Lady for Giving Us a Classic

christmas story

It was a chance encounter with a woman wearing a button that read: DISARM THE TOY INDUSTRY, in angry block red letters.

It’s all a Government plot to prepare the Innocent for evil, Godless War!  I know what they’re up to! Our committee is on to them, and we intend to expose this decadent Capitalistic evil!

She told him as she handed him a smudged pamphlet denouncing the U.S. as a citadel of warmongers, profit-greedy despoilers of the young and promoters of worldwide Capitalistic decadence, all through plastic popguns and Sears Roebuck fatigue suits for tots.

It was this encounter that led Jean Shepperd to recount his youthful almost maniacal desire for a Red-Ryder carbine-action range-model BB gun, and the lengths he went one Christmas in efforts to obtain one.

He then wrote the autobiographical essay, Duel in the Snow, or Red Ryder Nails the Cleveland Street Kid, which became the basis for A Christmas Story.

So thank you crazy lady for helping give us a classic.

Have a Merry Christmas, I triple-dog-dare you.triple dog dare

 

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

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