Virginia Zoo Misplaces Weird Looking Panda
Upon investigation it was discovered a dimwitted caretaker named Ron was responsible for the escape. It seems Ron believing that Sunny was some weird raccoon that had gotten into the panda enclosure, opened the gate and shooed it away by manically waving a feces encrusted pitchfork and screaming, “git you weird raccoon, git.”
It seems the zoo has endured several odd mishaps at the hands of Ron; some of them involving misplaced animals, many of them involving feces, all of them disturbing.
“The biggest problem we have with Ron is that he is almost completely stupid,” one zoo official said. “He was kicked repeatedly in the head by a bongo antelope, and he was remarkably stupid before he got repeatedly kicked in the head by a bongo antelope. You should never try to collect animals’ feces by standing behind it with a bucket.”
After days of searching, Sunny still has not been located. Zoo officials fear the red panda has escaped the boundaries of the Zoo.
“Ron has a way of driving things away,” the zoo official said. “Usually it’s women, but I guess this time it was a red panda.”
While the zoo officials remain hopeful, they do concede that when Ron drives something away, it generally flees the state and changes its name.
While recalling one incident involving Ron, a wombat, and a bag of feces, one colleague began to laugh so hysterically he lost consciousness.