Erie, Pennsylvania — Scandal has struck in Erie Pennsylvania. It seems a recent election held by The Erie County Chapter of Bigfoot Hunters and People who Wander in the Woods Aimlessly for club president has erupted in controversy.
The losing candidate, Ron Smith, has called foul, asserting the election was stolen from him by the Russians. “It was that shifty rat Sergey,” Mr. Smith stated referring to Sergey Pavlychko another member of the organization. “We all wrote our votes down on a piece of paper and Sergey went around collecting them in Skeeter McDougall’s ‘Sasquatch your back’ hat. Explain to me why Sergey was the one who volunteered to collect the votes?”
“I’m the sergeant-at-arms; it’s my job to collect the votes,” Sergey explained. “And tell that asshat I’m Ukrainian.”
“I’ve heard that Sergey’s cousin’s neighbor has a friend who lives two villages over from a guy who once met a farmer who raises pigs, and that farmer sold a pig to butcher who made bacon that he sold to a chef who then used that bacon to make a bacon sandwich that Vladimir Putin ate…and I heard it was delicious. And then I lose this election–that can’t be a coincidence,” Ron stated.
“Asshat,” Sergey reiterated.
Ron then revealed that before the vote, he asked every member who they were going to vote for and they all said they were voting for him.
“Ron has remarkably bad breath and he spits a lot when he talks,” a member who wished to remain anonymous reported. “You’d tell him anything to get him away from your face.”
“The biggest problem with Ron is that he is almost completely stupid,” said Larry Smith, his victorious opponent and nephew. “Aunt Leona calls him the shame of family.”
“This election is illegitimate and I will do anything necessary to undermine Larry’s presidency, even to the point of destroying this organization,” a defiant Ron exclaimed.
“The family Christmas is going to suck more than usual this year,” Larry said.
While Ron has called for multiple recounts and a probe into Sergey’s Russian pig butcher ties, the results of the election stand.
Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment. Evidently he was somewhere in the Russian countryside, shirtless, riding a horse bareback, looking for grizzly bears to wrestle.