idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

11 Feb 2018

Ice Dune Playground Opens at Presque Isle

Staff Reporter's avatargooferie

FinalIcedunePlaygroundOfficials at Presque Isle State Park have announced the opening of an ice dune playground, adding to the winter activities at the park.

“We just got sick of telling people to stay off the ice dunes,” said park official Peter Bramall. “So, we decided to let these imbeci- uh, I mean, park visitors enjoy them.”

The playground spans the three largest ice dunes on Beach 1. The tallest dune will be open for climbing as well.

“My parents wouldn’t let me play on the ice dunes when I was a child,” said Erie resident James Murphy. “Well,  I’m not going to deny my kids the opportunity to climb all over these majestic frozen peaks.”

In addition, an out of town vendor will have a food tent to sell gazpacho, ice cream, and cold drinks.

As Murphy stood in line at the gazpacho tent; far from where his kids were playing…

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08 Feb 2018
8 Comments

Even More Taglines For Your Approval

taglineIllegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest, is the current tagline for this blog.

However, it is now illegal in all 50 states, the United States Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Frowned upon in Puerto Rico.

So it’s time for a change.

Not a change in the blog, but in the tagline; the statement above is just too wordy to be a tagline.

Note: this blog is still legal and well received in the District of Columbia, various militia run compounds that have declared independence from the United States, and the Vatican.

So it’s time to choose a new tagline.

idiotprufs: the blog that once made Pope Francis laugh so hard he peed himself.

idiotprufs: the blog that is widely used as currency in Bolivian prisons.

idiotprufs: the blog that took the Tide pod challenge and thought it was delicious.

idiotprufs: that blog that was shattered when The Amish Mafia was taken off the air.

idiotprufs: the blog that just can’t get the theme song from The Poseidon Adventure out of its head.

idiotprufs: the blog that was heartbroken when it discovered Mary Poppins isn’t a true story.

idiotprufs: the blog with cat-like reflexes and is as equally adept at using a litter box.

idiotprufs: the blog that has in no way been influenced by the Russians.

idiotprufs: the blog that used to call itself Miranda.

idiotrufs: the best way to spend the day if Jumbles are too complicated for you.

idiotprufs: the blog the solved two sides of the Rubik’s Cube then just gave up.

idiotprufs: the blog that was thrown out of a party after it made a rude comment about another blog’s toupee.

idiotprufs: the blog that is convinced that Rudy was offsides.

idiotprufs: the blog that lives in a glass house, but throws stones anyway.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s been pepper-sprayed far more times than is reasonable.

idiotprufs: the blog that leaves a stain that you just can’t get out.

idiotprufs: the blog that once met the Dali Lama and thought he was kind of full of himself.

idiotprufs: the blog that hates it when it burns it tongue on hot coffee and then can’t taste anything the rest of day.

idiotprufs: the blog that is frequently printed out just to be used to line bird cages.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s frequently crapped on by birds.

idiotprufs: the blog that just found out the word is spelled: idiotproofs.

idiotprufs: what the hell else are gonna do with your time?

One of these lucky taglines will become the new tagline for this blog.

Good luck to all of them.

Rubik's Cube

The blog that couldn’t get this far.

 

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
08 Feb 2018
18 Comments

Where is the Toad-Licker Justice?

toad licker

A close friend of Richard Mullins.

The Story

An Indiana man who was licking a toad while dancing by himself on an Indiana sidewalk is locked up after ignoring a trespass warning issued by cops, according to police.

Note: if he had a toad, surely he wasn’t dancing by himself.

La Porte Police Department officers were called to a bar when Richard Mullins, 41, refused to leave the property after being escorted outside by security. The barefoot Mullins was not allowed entry into JJ’s Side Out Bar and Grill when he would not provide bouncers with ID…also, he was licking a toad.

toad licker

Richard Mullins: dance enthusiast, toad-licker, and Tchaikovsky fan.

When questioned by cops, Mullins had a “blank look on his face but no pupil dilation to suggest he was under the influence of any drugs.”

The toad had a look of simple resignation on his face.

Officers warned Mullins that if he returned to the bar’s property he would be arrested. Mullins seemed to understand the warning. “As he was dancing he would walk right up to the property line that we pointed out and then he would retreat, often by executing a perfect Grande Jete,” an officer stated. “He also had a wonderful arabesque…it was simply breathtaking.” The officer then wiped a tear from his eye.

But a few minutes after receiving the trespass warning, Mullins returned to the bar’s parking lot. When police subsequently approached Mullins, he was holding another toad. He also seemed to be performing the part of Odette from Swan Lake. Possibly a scene from act 4 where Odette has resigned herself to death. Responding officers couldn’t be certain of this, as he seemed to be performing the Mariinsky Ballet version, in which everybody knows: Odette lives happily.

Charged with misdemeanor trespassing, amphibian assault, and just acting like a weirdo, Mullins was booked into the La Porte County jail, where he is being held in advance of a June 30 court appearance.

The toads opted for separate legal counsel.

Since the police report does not identify what kind of toad Mullins was licking, it is impossible to determine the amphibian’s potential psychoactive properties or its toxicity.

The toads however were completely stoned as a result of contact with Mullins’ tongue.

The Point

When will the blatant discrimination against toad lickers stop?

For far too long toad lickers have been the targets of police brutality.

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your race: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your sexual orientation: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re licking a toad, barefoot, and slightly odd looking: perfectly well and fine in our backward society.

How is it anybody’s business what a grown man and his toad do together?

Where’s the Supreme Court on this issue?

Isn’t it time as a people, we give toad lickers the respect they deserve?

Thank you.

Addendum

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re Justin Bieber: well that’s pretty much just common sense.

bieber toad licker

“When I lick a toad…I forgot what I was going to say.”

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
07 Feb 2018
7 Comments

Philadelphia: This is Why You Can’t Have Nice Things

A few weeks ago I implored the fans of the Philadelphia Eagles to stop celebrating Eagles’ victories by punching police horses.

Good news: The Eagles won the Super Bowl and nobody punched a police horse!

However, one exuberant Eagles fan celebrated by eating horse excrement.

Stop and let that sink in for a moment.

eagles fan eats shit

Randall Cunningham must be so proud his jersey is being worn by such a stalwart of humanity.

I apologize heartily for the next photograph.

eating horse crap

Look how happy everyone is.

This made me consider the manner in which I might celebrate a joyous occasion. So I made a list; eating horse excrement off the ground ranked 11,987,344th out of 11,987,345.

Using a nail gun to attach my testicles to a telephone pole was the only thing that ranked below it.

Hey Philadelphia: this is why you can’t have nice things.

 

Posted in funny, health, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
05 Feb 2018
2 Comments

Supervisor Clears Up Millcreek Sign Confusion

Staff Reporter's avatargooferie

MillcreekSigns

There has been some recent confusion over political sign ordinances in Millcreek Township. We contacted Supervisor John Groh to clarify what is and is not permitted during the next election term. “The two other supervisors and I held an emergency meeting about this issue.” said Groh. “Truthfully we really don’t have all that much to do anyway. The meeting went on for 24 straight hours and I believe we have come to a consensus.”  The new sign regulations are as follows: All signs must be rectangular. Triangles, circles and octagons are not permitted. True squares are allowed but discouraged as they distract from rectangular signs. All signs must be 18 inches high and two feet wide. Signs must be placed no less than 5 feet from the residence, 7 feet from the sidewalk and 10 feet from the road. Signs must be constructed from single wall corrugated cardboard only! Double…

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Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , ,
04 Feb 2018
8 Comments

A Halftime Show I Can Get Behind

halftime sharks

Put Katy Perry in a tank with real sharks–that would be entertainment.

Justin Timberlake is preforming at halftime of the Super Bowl today–yawn.

It’s all so tiresome: people flying in from the rooftop, dancing sharks, fireworks, giant spectacular dance sequences, Janet Jackson’s exposed breast.

Actually, Janet Jackson’s exposed breast is the one interesting thing that’s happened at a halftime show in the last 20 years. Kudos to Justin Timberlake for that.

I have a few ideas for next year’s halftime show.

Justin Bieber and Pope Francis in a knife fight to the death:

Seriously, the outcome of the football game would be a secondary outcome of the day. The winner could raise a bloody fist, look into the camera, and say, “I’m going to Disneyland.” I think the pope would enjoy Disneyland.

Mimes and angry ferrets:

Get a bunch of mimes, put them in a pen at midfield, then release 10,000 angry ferrets into the pen. The mime that can remain in character the longest wins. (It’s not easy to do that invisible wall thing while ferrets are chewing your ears off.)

Penguins:

I don’t care what you do with them–just get a rookery of penguins and let them wander around the field–penguins are awesome. If you could teach one of the penguins to expose Janet Jackson’s breast, you would have pure entertainment gold.

An exhibition game:

A team of NFL pro-bowlers could take on a team comprised completely of losing contestants from The Bachelorette. The confessional/emergent care room would be must-see television.

Kayne West:

Kayne West does a typical Super Bowl halftime show with one caveat: everyone in the stadium gets a slingshot and a pile of rocks. Granted, for Philadelphia Eagles fans, this wouldn’t be much different than any regular-season game in Philadelphia, but the rest of us would love it.

These are my suggestions; I expect to see one of these next year, NFL.

kanye west

Kayne’s head is practically a target.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
01 Feb 2018

You Did What to That Earwig?

earwig

Back off Japanese scientists!

So I read the following statement on the internet:

Japanese Scientists discover when you pull off an earwig’s penis, another just pops back in its place.

Despite the infallibility of information found on the internet, I decided to find out if this is true.

Don’t worry–I didn’t pull any penises off any earwigs. Frankly, it seems like a really weird thing to do.

With all of the wonders in science and nature and the mysteries to unravel, why would a group of scientists spend their days pulling the penises off earwigs?

A group of scientists from Belgium attempted the same experiment with hippos. The results were varied: some of the scientists were trampled to death; others were simply maimed.

I found the following passage in The Japan Times:

Males have two, extremely long penises (sometimes longer than their bodies). The female has only one reproductive tract, but it is also very long, a convoluted tube. Sometimes during copulation, the male’s penis breaks off from his body and is lost inside the female. This is not as disastrous as it might be, because, Japanese research suggests, the male can simply use his spare penis.

Males have two, extremely long penises (sometimes longer than their bodies).

I think I’ve found my answer to why Japanese scientists are pulling the penises off earwigs: jealousy.

smug hippo

“Don’t even think about it; did you see what I did to those Belgian scientists?”

Posted in funny, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
31 Jan 2018

Village Faces Lawsuit Following Unfortunate Tumble

falling down

Artist rendition of the incident.

North East, Pa.–The township of North East, Pennsylvania is facing a slip and fall lawsuit following an accident that occurred on township property. It seems a local resident known as Jack suffered a head injury after falling down a hill.

“The village does an absolutely dreadful job of maintaining the path on that hill,” his sister Jill said disgustedly. “We had simply gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack lost his footing on some loose gravel and tumbled down. I tried to grab him, but then I went tumbling after.”

“You have to be careful when you’re on a hill,” an unsympathetic town official stated. “Besides, that kid is a walking disaster; just last year Jack set himself on fire trying to jump over a candlestick. He thinks he’s nimble. He thinks he’s quick. But he is decidedly neither.”

“He did set himself on fire once,” Jill admitted, “I had to go up the hill by myself to fetch a pail of water just to put him out…what kind of idiot puts a well on a hill anyway?”

“I fell and broke my crown,” was Jack’s only response before adding, “I could see my own brains.”

body cast

Jack after his first attempt at skydiving.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
30 Jan 2018
10 Comments

Was That a Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey?

Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey?

I have a phobia.

A fear that creeps upon me and slowly overwhelms me. A fear that causes me to lay awake at night, tossing, turning, afraid to fall asleep for fear of what might happen while I’m slumbering.

What is this fear that has me in such a state of paranoia?

I fear that a roving horde of screeching Brazilian stink monkeys will break into my home and handle all my possessions with their filthy stink monkey paws. I fear that they will rub my possessions all over their parasite infested bodies and then return them to their exact position of origin, leaving me to only guess of their nefarious activities.

My friends tell that I’m crazy.

Am I crazy. Am I really?

When I get up in the morning, I find everything in exactly the same position that I left it the night before! Typical screeching Brazilian stink monkey behavior.

My friends persist with the idea that I’m crazy for two specific reasons:

  1. Monkeys tend not to be fastidious creatures and are far more likely to scatter things about and pee on them, than return them to their place of origin.
  2. There is no such creature as the screeching Brazilian stink monkey. They seem smugly confident about this point–hey, Wikipedia doesn’t know everything.

According to National Geographic, 1,200 new species of plants and vertebrates were discovered in the Amazon between the years 1999 and 2009 alone. With that many new species being discovered, one of them is bound to be a monkey, a monkey that by its sheer characteristics and nature, could only be called a Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey.

My paranoia has become so profound that my friends have suggested medication. The doctor (another apparent expert of Amazonian wild life) concurred. I’m now on an experimental drug called Oxymoron-gubernatorial-toxin. It seems to be working, there are however a few slight side effects:

  • Dizziness.
  • Dry mouth.
  • Itchy rashes shaped like Lake Titicaca.
  • The inability to say Lake Titicaca without giggling uncontrollably.
  • Your left ear will fall off at really inconvenient times.
  • Nausea.
  • More nausea.
  • Vomiting.
  • Even more nausea.
  • Squirrels will steal your mail.
  • Sleeplessness caused by nausea.
  • Random baboon attacks. (They’re obviously in cahoots with the screeching Brazilian stink monkeys.)
  • The theme to Gilligan’s Island will get stuck in your head.
  • Coma.

Everything seems to be going well; I sometimes get nauseous when I have to chase squirrels or bend over to pick up my ear.

But now and then, out of the corner of my eye, I think I see a screeching Brazilian stink monkey, just waiting to handle all of my possessions.

lake titicaca

That red line is particularly itchy.

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
28 Jan 2018
4 Comments

Mayor Schember to Personally Destroy McBride Viaduct

Staff Reporter's avatargooferie

mcbgfreWielding a large sledgehammer, Mayor Joe Schember announced today that he will personally destroy the McBride Viaduct, which he says will save taxpayers millions of dollars.

“We bid out the contract, and the bids came in higher than we thought,” said Schember, “So I thought me and Sledgie here could do the job for free.”

When asked how long the demolition would take, Mayor Schember said, “I’ve looked at the reports on the current condition of the Viaduct, and I think it will just take a couple of swings to bring her down.”

Local activist Lisa Austin, who opposes demolition of the Viaduct, stated that this latest plan will not be a deterrent in her fight to save the Viaduct. When asked for comment, Austin said, “I will keep fighting to save the Viaduct, even long after it is demolished.”

 

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