idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “idiot”

08 Feb 2018
18 Comments

Where is the Toad-Licker Justice?

toad licker

A close friend of Richard Mullins.

The Story

An Indiana man who was licking a toad while dancing by himself on an Indiana sidewalk is locked up after ignoring a trespass warning issued by cops, according to police.

Note: if he had a toad, surely he wasn’t dancing by himself.

La Porte Police Department officers were called to a bar when Richard Mullins, 41, refused to leave the property after being escorted outside by security. The barefoot Mullins was not allowed entry into JJ’s Side Out Bar and Grill when he would not provide bouncers with ID…also, he was licking a toad.

toad licker

Richard Mullins: dance enthusiast, toad-licker, and Tchaikovsky fan.

When questioned by cops, Mullins had a “blank look on his face but no pupil dilation to suggest he was under the influence of any drugs.”

The toad had a look of simple resignation on his face.

Officers warned Mullins that if he returned to the bar’s property he would be arrested. Mullins seemed to understand the warning. “As he was dancing he would walk right up to the property line that we pointed out and then he would retreat, often by executing a perfect Grande Jete,” an officer stated. “He also had a wonderful arabesque…it was simply breathtaking.” The officer then wiped a tear from his eye.

But a few minutes after receiving the trespass warning, Mullins returned to the bar’s parking lot. When police subsequently approached Mullins, he was holding another toad. He also seemed to be performing the part of Odette from Swan Lake. Possibly a scene from act 4 where Odette has resigned herself to death. Responding officers couldn’t be certain of this, as he seemed to be performing the Mariinsky Ballet version, in which everybody knows: Odette lives happily.

Charged with misdemeanor trespassing, amphibian assault, and just acting like a weirdo, Mullins was booked into the La Porte County jail, where he is being held in advance of a June 30 court appearance.

The toads opted for separate legal counsel.

Since the police report does not identify what kind of toad Mullins was licking, it is impossible to determine the amphibian’s potential psychoactive properties or its toxicity.

The toads however were completely stoned as a result of contact with Mullins’ tongue.

The Point

When will the blatant discrimination against toad lickers stop?

For far too long toad lickers have been the targets of police brutality.

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your race: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your sexual orientation: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re licking a toad, barefoot, and slightly odd looking: perfectly well and fine in our backward society.

How is it anybody’s business what a grown man and his toad do together?

Where’s the Supreme Court on this issue?

Isn’t it time as a people, we give toad lickers the respect they deserve?

Thank you.

Addendum

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re Justin Bieber: well that’s pretty much just common sense.

bieber toad licker

“When I lick a toad…I forgot what I was going to say.”

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
07 Feb 2018
7 Comments

Philadelphia: This is Why You Can’t Have Nice Things

A few weeks ago I implored the fans of the Philadelphia Eagles to stop celebrating Eagles’ victories by punching police horses.

Good news: The Eagles won the Super Bowl and nobody punched a police horse!

However, one exuberant Eagles fan celebrated by eating horse excrement.

Stop and let that sink in for a moment.

eagles fan eats shit

Randall Cunningham must be so proud his jersey is being worn by such a stalwart of humanity.

I apologize heartily for the next photograph.

eating horse crap

Look how happy everyone is.

This made me consider the manner in which I might celebrate a joyous occasion. So I made a list; eating horse excrement off the ground ranked 11,987,344th out of 11,987,345.

Using a nail gun to attach my testicles to a telephone pole was the only thing that ranked below it.

Hey Philadelphia: this is why you can’t have nice things.

 

Posted in funny, health, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Feb 2018
8 Comments

A Halftime Show I Can Get Behind

halftime sharks

Put Katy Perry in a tank with real sharks–that would be entertainment.

Justin Timberlake is preforming at halftime of the Super Bowl today–yawn.

It’s all so tiresome: people flying in from the rooftop, dancing sharks, fireworks, giant spectacular dance sequences, Janet Jackson’s exposed breast.

Actually, Janet Jackson’s exposed breast is the one interesting thing that’s happened at a halftime show in the last 20 years. Kudos to Justin Timberlake for that.

I have a few ideas for next year’s halftime show.

Justin Bieber and Pope Francis in a knife fight to the death:

Seriously, the outcome of the football game would be a secondary outcome of the day. The winner could raise a bloody fist, look into the camera, and say, “I’m going to Disneyland.” I think the pope would enjoy Disneyland.

Mimes and angry ferrets:

Get a bunch of mimes, put them in a pen at midfield, then release 10,000 angry ferrets into the pen. The mime that can remain in character the longest wins. (It’s not easy to do that invisible wall thing while ferrets are chewing your ears off.)

Penguins:

I don’t care what you do with them–just get a rookery of penguins and let them wander around the field–penguins are awesome. If you could teach one of the penguins to expose Janet Jackson’s breast, you would have pure entertainment gold.

An exhibition game:

A team of NFL pro-bowlers could take on a team comprised completely of losing contestants from The Bachelorette. The confessional/emergent care room would be must-see television.

Kayne West:

Kayne West does a typical Super Bowl halftime show with one caveat: everyone in the stadium gets a slingshot and a pile of rocks. Granted, for Philadelphia Eagles fans, this wouldn’t be much different than any regular-season game in Philadelphia, but the rest of us would love it.

These are my suggestions; I expect to see one of these next year, NFL.

kanye west

Kayne’s head is practically a target.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
01 Feb 2018

You Did What to That Earwig?

earwig

Back off Japanese scientists!

So I read the following statement on the internet:

Japanese Scientists discover when you pull off an earwig’s penis, another just pops back in its place.

Despite the infallibility of information found on the internet, I decided to find out if this is true.

Don’t worry–I didn’t pull any penises off any earwigs. Frankly, it seems like a really weird thing to do.

With all of the wonders in science and nature and the mysteries to unravel, why would a group of scientists spend their days pulling the penises off earwigs?

A group of scientists from Belgium attempted the same experiment with hippos. The results were varied: some of the scientists were trampled to death; others were simply maimed.

I found the following passage in The Japan Times:

Males have two, extremely long penises (sometimes longer than their bodies). The female has only one reproductive tract, but it is also very long, a convoluted tube. Sometimes during copulation, the male’s penis breaks off from his body and is lost inside the female. This is not as disastrous as it might be, because, Japanese research suggests, the male can simply use his spare penis.

Males have two, extremely long penises (sometimes longer than their bodies).

I think I’ve found my answer to why Japanese scientists are pulling the penises off earwigs: jealousy.

smug hippo

“Don’t even think about it; did you see what I did to those Belgian scientists?”

Posted in funny, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
31 Jan 2018

Village Faces Lawsuit Following Unfortunate Tumble

falling down

Artist rendition of the incident.

North East, Pa.–The township of North East, Pennsylvania is facing a slip and fall lawsuit following an accident that occurred on township property. It seems a local resident known as Jack suffered a head injury after falling down a hill.

“The village does an absolutely dreadful job of maintaining the path on that hill,” his sister Jill said disgustedly. “We had simply gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack lost his footing on some loose gravel and tumbled down. I tried to grab him, but then I went tumbling after.”

“You have to be careful when you’re on a hill,” an unsympathetic town official stated. “Besides, that kid is a walking disaster; just last year Jack set himself on fire trying to jump over a candlestick. He thinks he’s nimble. He thinks he’s quick. But he is decidedly neither.”

“He did set himself on fire once,” Jill admitted, “I had to go up the hill by myself to fetch a pail of water just to put him out…what kind of idiot puts a well on a hill anyway?”

“I fell and broke my crown,” was Jack’s only response before adding, “I could see my own brains.”

body cast

Jack after his first attempt at skydiving.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
30 Jan 2018
10 Comments

Was That a Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey?

Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey?

I have a phobia.

A fear that creeps upon me and slowly overwhelms me. A fear that causes me to lay awake at night, tossing, turning, afraid to fall asleep for fear of what might happen while I’m slumbering.

What is this fear that has me in such a state of paranoia?

I fear that a roving horde of screeching Brazilian stink monkeys will break into my home and handle all my possessions with their filthy stink monkey paws. I fear that they will rub my possessions all over their parasite infested bodies and then return them to their exact position of origin, leaving me to only guess of their nefarious activities.

My friends tell that I’m crazy.

Am I crazy. Am I really?

When I get up in the morning, I find everything in exactly the same position that I left it the night before! Typical screeching Brazilian stink monkey behavior.

My friends persist with the idea that I’m crazy for two specific reasons:

  1. Monkeys tend not to be fastidious creatures and are far more likely to scatter things about and pee on them, than return them to their place of origin.
  2. There is no such creature as the screeching Brazilian stink monkey. They seem smugly confident about this point–hey, Wikipedia doesn’t know everything.

According to National Geographic, 1,200 new species of plants and vertebrates were discovered in the Amazon between the years 1999 and 2009 alone. With that many new species being discovered, one of them is bound to be a monkey, a monkey that by its sheer characteristics and nature, could only be called a Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey.

My paranoia has become so profound that my friends have suggested medication. The doctor (another apparent expert of Amazonian wild life) concurred. I’m now on an experimental drug called Oxymoron-gubernatorial-toxin. It seems to be working, there are however a few slight side effects:

  • Dizziness.
  • Dry mouth.
  • Itchy rashes shaped like Lake Titicaca.
  • The inability to say Lake Titicaca without giggling uncontrollably.
  • Your left ear will fall off at really inconvenient times.
  • Nausea.
  • More nausea.
  • Vomiting.
  • Even more nausea.
  • Squirrels will steal your mail.
  • Sleeplessness caused by nausea.
  • Random baboon attacks. (They’re obviously in cahoots with the screeching Brazilian stink monkeys.)
  • The theme to Gilligan’s Island will get stuck in your head.
  • Coma.

Everything seems to be going well; I sometimes get nauseous when I have to chase squirrels or bend over to pick up my ear.

But now and then, out of the corner of my eye, I think I see a screeching Brazilian stink monkey, just waiting to handle all of my possessions.

lake titicaca

That red line is particularly itchy.

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
25 Jan 2018
2 Comments

My Heartfelt Advice to Eagles Fans

EaglesYou’re team has made it to the Super Bowl; celebrate, cheer, throw big Super Bowl parties, just enjoy it, but for the love of all that is good and merciful, STOP PUNCHING POLICE HORSES.

When I saw the headline, another Eagles fan arrested for allegedly punching a police horse, I will admit I laughed.

I laughed the way one might laugh at someone who has suffered an electric shock because they have peed on an electric fence. It was a derisive unsympathetic type of laughter.

You’re not going to win a battle with a police horse. Have Eagles fans suddenly become Wylie Coyote? When your Acme canon fails to fire, don’t stick your face into it to find out what happened.

Did you think you were playing the Broncos in the Super Bowl and you felt a sudden uncontrollable rage against all equine?

Were you so happy you just had to punch something and a police horse seemed like the best choice?

Were you just really drunk?

I know you’ve got that statue of Rocky in Philadelphia, but punching stuff isn’t the best way to celebrate.

Just relax and enjoy the game against the Patriots.

Wait!

The New England Patriots–Paul Revere was a patriot from New England–Paul Revere’s famous midnight ride–Paul Revere rode a horse!

Now I get it.

Rocky Balboa

Rocky celebrating a huge victory–ten minutes later he was arrested for punching a police horse.

Posted in funny, History, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
24 Jan 2018
2 Comments

Rapunzel Chops off Hair

RapunzelGermany–“I thought it was time for a change,” Rapunzel, the maiden famous for her golden voice and golden locks of hair said about her drastic change in hairstyle. “There’s not a lot to do just sitting in this tower all day. Besides, do you have any idea how much hair conditioner I go through in a month? I’ll give you a hint: it’s like crap through Mother Goose.”

“She looks like a blond Chia Pet,” a dejected prince said.

Evidently, the recent change in Rapunzel’s hairstyle has put a strain on her relationship with the prince, who had been surreptitiously visiting her nightly.

“I just don’t understand what happened,” the prince said. “We had this great routine: I’d yell ‘Rapunzel let down your hair,’ she would let down her flowing golden locks, and I would climb up to her. We’d spend the night together, it was beautiful and romantic.”

“Sure, if you consider forty feet of split ends to be romantic,” Rapunzel told us. “Besides, he was starting to put on some weight–that wasn’t helping the situation.”

 “It’s just Winter weight,” the prince objected.

“And when I asked him what he thought of my new look, he just stood there slack-jawed,” Rapunzel said. “When I pressed him for a response, he said something so insulting, I won’t repeat it.”

“ ‘I suppose it could be worse’ is what I said,” the prince admitted. “That was a mistake…it really couldn’t be worse.”

Prince

A dejected Prince.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , ,
18 Jan 2018
2 Comments

Rodeo Clowns and a Pissed-Off Bull

“Is that N’ Sync I hear?”

Bulls are huge, powerfully built animals with menacing horns, devastating hooves, and an unflinching desire to be left alone.

Bull riders, by comparison, are sweaty little cowboys who feel it’s heroic to climb onto the backs of bulls, regardless of how irritating it is to the bull.

Bulls have names like Destroyer, The Widow-Maker, and The Mauler.

Bull riders have names like Bucky, Earl, and that guy who used to have testicles.

Bulls are simple animals, content to stand around and chew their cud, occasionally pausing to pee on the dirt.

Bull-riders are simple people, content to stand around and chew tobacco, occasionally pausing to pee on the dirt.

The only thing in which bulls truly revel is inflicting life-threatening injuries upon things that annoy them.

Bull-riders annoy them.

The only things that bulls hate more than bull-riders are rodeo clowns, Joy Behar, and boy bands.

Note: it should be mentioned–the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands…especially badgers.

angry badgers

We’re coming for you, Timberlake.

The sanctioned amount of time a bull-rider must stay on the bull is eight seconds. It was found to be the amount of time it takes the average person to look up, do a double take, gape momentarily, then utter the phrase: “would you look at what that idiot over there is doing.”

The bull is locked in a pen, which annoys it.

The bull-rider then climbs onto the bull’s back, which really annoys it.

The bull with the bull-rider on his back is released into an arena filled with jeering fans, which annoys it beyond belief because it hadn’t finished peeing.

The bull storms around in a state of agitation that closely resembles a blind rage as it attempts to repel the annoyance that has so rudely interrupted his peeing.

Meanwhile, the bull-rider is being thrashed about like a rag doll. (He may also be peeing a bit at this point.)

The bull swiftly dislodges the annoyance, launching him through the air. The annoyance crashes to the ground, tumbles several feet, and skids to a halt.

He displaces an impressive amount of manure-filled dirt with his face.

His teeth continue on for several more feet.

As the bull-rider staggers to his feet, dazed and unsure of what’s happening, the bull finishes peeing and then turns to face him.

The bull lowers its horns and beats its hooves at the dirt; a malevolent glint appears in its dark animal eyes.

As in any time of great crisis, men wearing make-up are called upon to save the day: the rodeo clowns are deployed.

They dance around the bull, taunting and mocking it (evidently the bull is not pissed-off enough yet) until they can lure the bull’s attention away from the bull-rider.

Sensing that their efforts are falling short, they form a line and belt out a N’sync medley.

The bull becomes so confused with rage that it charges into the stands and heads straight for Joy Behar who just happens to be in attendance.

The bull gruesomely gores Joy Behar–the crowd cheers wildly.

The bull-rider is saved; the rodeo clowns are showered with cheers and adulation. It seems that all is well until a pack of frenzied badgers pour into the arena and savagely attack the rodeo clowns.

After several moments of shrill screams and wild chittering, the badgers flee as quickly as they appeared.

The rodeo clowns lie in the dirt, bloody and defeated, their painted-on smiles betraying them.

bull

“You’re dressing oddly these days Kayne.”

Somewhere in the deep recesses of its mind, the bull feels a deep sense of satisfaction.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
13 Jan 2018
46 Comments

Love Hurts, but Not as Much as a Stab Wound

love hurts

I felt it was time to re-post these beautiful and poignant words.

I wrote this during a period of deep personal healing…but mostly, I was drunk.

Posted in funny, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

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