idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “idiotprufs”

16 Oct 2016
7 Comments

Stupid and Toothless in Poland (or Not)

“Off to the dentist, what could go wrong?”

Several months ago I wrote a post about a news story involving a man in Poland and his girlfriend.

It seemed that Marek Olszewski broke off his relationship with his girlfriend Anna Mackowiak. A few days later he showed up at the dentist complaining of a toothache. The twist: Ms. Mackowiak was the dentist.

She allegedly gave him a heavy dose of anesthesia and proceeded to pull every one of his teeth.

When he woke up he knew something wasn’t right because he couldn’t feel his teeth and his head was heavily bandaged.

Mackowiak faced an investigation for medical malpractice and three years in prison.

Olszewski’s current girlfriend broke up with him, who wants to date a guy who has no teeth?

There was only one problem with the story: it was a hoax.

I was deeply disappointed. But what was I disappointed about? I wasn’t certain.

Was I disappointed that a man wasn’t the victim of assault?

I don’t think so.

Was I disappointed that an obviously distraught woman, wasn’t facing possible prison time and the ruination of her career?

No.

Am I just a bad person who enjoys the perils of others?

Maybe, but that’s not why I was disappointed.

Was I disappointed that the worst decision that any man has made since John Bobbitt bought his wife Lorena that set of kitchen knives for her birthday, hadn’t really happened?

A bit.

Was I disappointed that a story, unburdened by the limitations of the truth, wasn’t a little more fantastic?

Yes!!!

Think of the possibilities.

  • She could have pulled every tooth, except the one with the cavity; leaving a painful mocking reminder.
  • She could have pulled his teeth in a pattern that made him look like a jack-o-lantern.
  • She could have pulled all of his teeth and given him two huge veneers in front so that he looked like Bugs Bunny. Then Super Glued a carrot to his hand.
  • She could have bleached his face and given him veneers that made him look like a vampire. (And not one of those trendy vampires from True Blood, but one of those old-timey Bela Lugosi vampires.)
  • She could have given him tooth tattoos that read, I’m a douche, every time he smiled.
  • She could have given him a face tattoo, Mike Tyson style.
  • She could have pulled all of his teeth, turned them into a necklace, and then worn it to court.
  • She could have replaced all of his teeth with Chiclets, just to see how long it would take him to notice.
  • She could have promised him that he would never have another toothache again, then laughed maniacally as she put him under the anesthesia.
  • She could have charged him for every tooth she pulled, then offered him a 10% discount on dentures.
  • She could have fled the country and disappeared forever. The only evidence of her existence: an envelope that her former boyfriend receives every year on the anniversary of the break-up. The envelope always contains one tooth and a mocking note counting down the years until he finally has all his teeth again.

The possibilities were limitless.

My Next Post: How the story would have gone if I had written it.

One remaining tooth, as a mocking reminder.

Posted in funny, health, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
02 Oct 2016
8 Comments

Top Ten Ways Tom Brady has Passed the Time During his Suspension

tom brady family

Tom’s been spending a lot of time with the family lately…and with a big creepy firetruck.

As many of you are probably aware, New England Patriots’ quarterback, Tom Brady, is entering the final week of a four week suspension from the team.

The NFL imposed the suspension in an official statement that read:

As the all-powerful and omnipresent National Football League, we hereby declare that Tom Brady is a liar-liar-pants-on-fire cheater. We believe he oversaw the purposeful deflating of official game balls so they would more readily fit in his tiny little-girl hands. We also believe he occasionally taunts squirrels and steals their nuts, just for the fun of it. While squirrel taunting isn’t expressly against any NFL rules, we just think it’s creepy.

As a part of the suspension, Tom can have no contact with the team or his teammates. So he had to find ways to pass the time.

#10

Needlepoint: Tom has mastered the craft of counted thread embroidery. His home is now decorated with dozens of embroideries that bear the same quaint saying: Roger Goodell Sucks.

#9

Ancestry.com: upon studying his ancestry, Tom discovered he is descended from a famous 19th century hot-air balloonist. Tragically his ancestor perished when he attempted to make a flight with his balloon badly under-inflated.

#8

Football Accident: Tom has been dealing with the fallout after inadvertently hitting his sister, Marcia Brady, in the face with a football on the day of her big date with Doug Simpson the local football star.

football brady

Tom Brady’s sister: Marcia Brady.

#7

Giselle: he’s been spending a great deal of time hanging out with his wife, Giselle, and her friends.

Victoria's Secret

In case you were starting to feel sorry for Tom…don’t.

#6

Scrapbooking: after taking a scrapbooking course at the local learning annex, Tom compiled a complete history of the entire deflategate saga. He entitled it: Roger Goodell Sucks.

#5

Some Light Reading: Tom read The Truth about Inflation by Paul Donovan. It had absolutely nothing to do with footballs.

Tom Brady

A horribly misleading title.

#4

Some more light reading: after the bitter disappointment of The Truth about Inflation, Tom joined a book club. They were reading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares. He found it to be heartwarming, and lamented that he and Rob Gronkowski can never find a pair a jeans that perfectly fits them both.

Note: Tom also read a biography of Roger Goodell–it sucked.

#3

Part-Time Job: Tom took a part-time job at a local service station checking tire pressure. He was let go for obvious reasons.

#2

Frivolous Lawsuit: Tom has filed a ridiculous and petty lawsuit against a small-time blogger who may have or may not have implied that Tom occasionally taunts squirrels and steals their nuts.

#1

Viagra Spokesman:

brady

“When that special moment starts to happen, is your “game ball” under-inflated?”

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists, top ten list and tagged , , , , , , ,
31 Jul 2016
9 Comments

Fat Hairy Hillbillies: Even More Weird Search Terms

search, idiotprufsIt’s time for another edition of weird search terms.

As always, these are all search terms exactly as they appear on my stats page.

fat hairy hillbillies   I’m just relieved the word nude wasn’t included in this search term.

gator boots for job interviews  The reason I didn’t get that job with PETA–and why I got banned from their building.

confused idiot  I wasn’t confused, the gator boots were a fashion choice.

interview idiots job  I didn’t get the job, you don’t have to rub it in.

high ronald mcdonald  Why I was fired from McDonalds.

what happens when rats eat mcdonalds  Those rats were real? I thought it was a hallucination.

chigger bites on testicles embarrassing story  Is it embarrassing for you, or for the chigger?

how to clean and stretch a raccoon  Finally someone is addressing this?

very very surprised animal  I’ll bet it was.

hatred of racoons  Maybe if you stopped stretching them, your relations with them would improve.

kissing hand raccoon coloring page  Rabies shots are fun for kids.

saw amish guy buying whole dead racoons  So much for raccoon Glasnost, who would do such a thing?

amish mafia  Enough said.

lyrics beer forklift  The worst polka song ever.

don gay bullridieng with band the rodeo clown  The worst country song ever.

stressed out stick people  You’d be stressed out too, if you had no discernible genitals

the little mermaid is a idiot  That should read: an idiot. Who’s the idiot now?

Bigfoot’s an idiot  Do you only pick on mythological creatures?

Justin Beiber does idiotic things  Still mythological.

tatoo idiocy  Seriously, he lived on Fantasy Island, why didn’t he just ask to be taller?

Tattoo from Fantasy Island

Come on Mr. Roarke, do a guy a favor.

punch an idiot in the face day  This isn’t a real thing, but it really ought to be.

throwing shit on a idiot  Now that’s going too far.

my idiot neighbor  But maybe not.

idiot names for garden gnomes  Now you have me convinced.

klingon word for sorry  There is no Klingon word for sorry, but there are 58 ways to say: still a virgin.

idiot klingon  I would say I’m sorry, but there’s no word for it.

hiccup erection It’s the last time I take Viagra to get rid of hiccups.

penis hysterical  It is a little funny.

can your esophagus explode  I wouldn’t have thought so, but then again I didn’t know anything about the hiccup erections either.

kermit the frog lady gaga  Hollywood’s new power couple.

lady gaga’s costume designer  Disapproves of her relationship with Kermit.

lady gaga, kermit the frog

Hi-Ho, I’m Kermit The Frog–help me please!

vegans won’t leave me alone  It is your bane, Mr. Potato Head.

Kim Goodman  No joke here, just a chance to show this freaky picture again.

kimberly goodman

Kimberly Goodman is in the Guinness Book of World Records for…whatever the hell this is.

Kimberly goodman guidance counselor  Would you take her career advice?

sent to the high school guidance counselor for disturbing thoughts  Unfortunately the guidance counselor was fresh out of disturbing thoughts.

nail penetration into the testicles  There you go. (Aren’t you glad I don’t have an image for this?)

she super glued breast on me  I don’t know how I would react to seeing that.

long hard stare  That would probably be it.

disturbing question  Such as?

do they use cow poop when making limburger cheese  Why would you ask that?

my wifes feet smell like limburger cheese  Oh.

why cheese makes me immediately vomit  It’s probably that thing with your wife’s feet. Just try to hold it in.

bald guy vomiting cheese  Too late.

can i borrowa cup of cocaine?”-y  It seems like you’ve already had enough.

mice butterworth  A favorite pancake topping of cats everywhere.

felt french fries  A favorite appetizer of Muppets everywhere.

tye domi  Tie Domi will beat the crap out of you for misspelling his name.

tie domi

“It’s three freaking letters.”

personal check grim reaper  How inconvenient is it when the Grim Reaper only takes cash?

where do you place the key in the ignition for John  Shouldn’t John know? What’s the word for a question like this?

the word stupid  There it is.

http://www.Dailymail.uk.co  My blog is very similar to the Daily Mail, of course I don’t have any photos of Rihanna’s nude butt or Kate Upton topless. I’m starting to see why my blog isn’t more popular.

French Fxxxxxx Idiot  How did you know I was French?

Humor blog WordPress  At least Google gets me.

5 things the mayans got wrong 

  1. The world will end in 2012.
  2. A movie will be made about 2012 starring a man named John Cusack; it will considered a cinematic masterpiece.
  3. A man named Albert Einstein will invent the ShamWow and become filthy rich.
  4. Man will find irrefutable evidence of Bigfoot.
  5. These Spanish conquistadors seem nice; nothing bad could possible result from our relationship with them.

current news on bigfoot 2014  The Mayans were wrong.

boy riding a unicorn  My next tattoo.

something disturbing on my penis  I didn’t say where that tattoo was going to be.

happy face idiot  My new Facebook status.

big stupid smiley face  Scratch that, this is my new Facebook status.

top 1 the most sexyman intheworld  This is my new Facebook status.

Sham Wow

The Mayans often referred to Albert Einstein as Chief.

 

 

 

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
18 Jun 2016
17 Comments

Punch an Idiot in the Face Day

jack elam you sure ask a lot of questions
happy face idiot
wifes feet dont smell enough
cartoon scientists pictures
punch an idiot in the face day
bug eyed cartoon characters
job interview with gator boots
school counselors dumb
my idiot neighbor

Several random thoughts immediately leapt into my brain after this cluster of search terms appeared on my stats page.

Note: there’s a lot of room in my brain for random thoughts to leap, stretch out, or do an entire gymnastic floor routine; it’s pretty vacant up there.

Thoughts such as:

  • What kind of questions does Jack Elam ask, and why are there so many of them?
  • How badly do your wife’s feet have to smell for it to be enough?
  • How do you know my neighbor, and how do you know he has a happy face?
  • Would I look good in gator boots?
  • Wow, this blog certainly attracts some weirdos (but not you).
  • Punch and idiot in the face day? Is that a real thing?

After doing an extensive amount of research (Google) I discovered “punch an idiot in the face day” isn’t a real thing.

Bitter disappointment.

Then I had another thought: just because something isn’t a real thing, doesn’t mean it can’t be.

So after once again doing an extensive amount of research (Wikipedia) into the process of initiating a ballot measure in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I came to a conclusion: it’s a lot more work than I am willing to do.

Just a few of the things required:

  • A petition containing signatures equal to 10% of the last local general election vote for governor. (Governor? I thought Pennsylvania had a potentate.)
  • These signatures must be real people and not characters from Warner Brothers cartoons.
  • If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, there is an enormous amount of extra paperwork involved.
  • If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, your parents are dicks.
  • None of the signatures can be from dead people; this is not Illinois.
  • Petitions must be submitted by the 13th Tuesday before the election. Petitions may be circulated for (at most) 7 weeks, and circulation may not begin before the 20th Tuesday prior to the election. Initiated measures may be submitted at primary, municipal, or general elections…and must be written in yaks blood.
  • You must understand the previous requirement and be able to cite it verbatim while juggling running chain saws.
  • Election officials must submit successful initiatives to voters at the next primary, general, or municipal election occurring not sooner than the 13th Tuesday after the initiative was filed.
  • The successful initiatives mentioned in the previous requirement, must be submitted in triplicate with the third set written entirely in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
  • Every fifth word of every document must be written in a silly font.
  • Pointing out to any official, that the previous two requirements contradict each other, will result in the immediate disqualification of your ballot initiative. You will also be slapped in the face and poked in the eyes, Three Stooges style.
  • The Pennsylvania election code requires you to obtain the following items: holy water, a cross, a wooden stake and a clove of  garlic. (Sorry, that’s the Transylvania election code.)
  • You must be able to find Harrisburg on a map of Pennsylvania.
  • You must be able to find Pennsylvania on a map of the United States.
  • You must be able to find Pennsylvania Avenue on a Monopoly Board.
  • If you roll doubles three times in a row, you have to go to jail.
  • You must purchase a lot of maps and board games.
  • Petition circulators must attest to the validity of petition signatures in a notarized affidavit.
  • You have to know what an affidavit is.
  • In some instances, you may have to sacrifice a small animal under a full moon.
  • You must be able to say name of, Intercourse Pennsylvania, without giggling.
  • You absolutely must be able to deal with bureaucrats without flipping out and stabbing someone in the face with a bayonet.

See what I mean, and this is just the first page.

Then I had another thought (I’ve been on fire with thoughts lately) I need to think like a politician: I just need to convince a bunch of willing dupes to pursue my vision, let them do all the work, then take all the credit when the initiative passes.

Brilliant.

I will keep you updated.

jack elam at idiotprufs

“Hello, I’m Jack Elam and every day is punch an idiot in the face day for me, idiot.”

Addendum:

I’ll bet you thought I was going to mention Justin Bieber somewhere in this post.

Well you were wrong…apart from this bit.

 

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
10 Jun 2016
23 Comments

Does a Bee Sting in the Penis Hurt?

bee sting

“You want me to sting you where now?”

A million-dollar National Science Foundation grant was given to Cornell University so a researcher could force bees to sting him on his penis to find out how much it hurts.

Let that sink in.

The idea was inspired by an unfortunate situation when a honeybee flew up Michael Smith’s shorts and stung him. “I was really surprised that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would,” he said. The experience got him thinking: where is the most painful place on the body to get stung by a bee?

Oddly, it didn’t get him thinking about his choice of shorts when bike riding or his strange proclivity for rubbing flower pollen on his inner thighs before he goes bike riding.

Note: the bee found the whole experience to be horrifying. “I was just buzzing along, very busy as we’re known to be when suddenly I was all up in this dude’s junk,” the bee said.  

With the financial support from a National Science Foundation’s grant to Cornell University, Smith forced honeybees to sting more than 25 locations on his body from the face to the genitals. He then rated the pain caused by each of the stings on a scale of “Ouch” to “Holy Crap, What Have I Done.“

To compel a bee to sting, it was grabbed by the wings and pressed against the desired sting location.

Note: the million-dollar research grant pales in comparison to the multi-million-dollar lawsuit filed by the bees who were “compelled” to sting Michael Smith in the penis.   

The least painful locations to be stung by a bee for Michael Smith were the skull, middle toe tip, upper arm, and in the face of some guy who happened to walk into the room at the wrong time.

The most painful places to be stung for Michael Smith were the nostril, upper lip, and the genitals.

Note: shockingly, being stung in the genitals does hurt.

Also painful for Michael Smith was the broken nose that resulted when the guy who got stung when he happened to walk into the room at the wrong time punched him in the face.

Michael originally had his eyeball on the list of body parts to be stung but was talked out of it by his advisor, Tom Seeley.

Note: I think it’s safe to say that, despite the advice about the eyeball, as an advisor, Tom Seeley failed Michael Smith miserably.  

Michael concedes this study is limited by its low sample size: one person, himself.

“It is possible that if other people were tested, they would not rank the painfulness of the stings in the same way or perceive pain similarly by location. It is also possible a female researcher may rate being stung in the genitals very differently,” Michael stated.

His attempts to find a female test subject ended after the fifth time he was pepper-sprayed.

In case you’re wondering, these methods do not conflict with the Helsinki Declaration, a set of ethical principles for research involving human subjects developed by the World Medical Association.

In an “unrelated” experiment, researchers from Brown University set out to see if they could convince some moron from Cornell to compel bees to repeatedly sting him in the penis.

Helsinki is looking into it.

Addendum: the assertion that Michael Smith rubs flower pollen on his inner thighs before he goes bike riding is purely speculation on my part…but he probably does.

bee sting penis

I think I see where Michael Smith went wrong.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
07 Jun 2016
16 Comments

Me and the Map Idiot

This shouldn't be hard to read.

This shouldn’t be hard to read.

It happened many years ago on the mean streets of Buffalo, NY.

We were on our way to the Federal Building, mired in rush hour traffic, to pick-up my roommate Al. He had enlisted in the Army Reserves, but at the last minute, decided that he didn’t want to go. He came up with a “brilliant plan” to get out of it. The plan must have worked because the day he was scheduled to ship out for basic training, I received a phone call to retrieve him.

I took my friend Joe with me to navigate. Not my best move.

Me: Do you see where we are on the the map?

Joe: Yeah, I’ve got it.

Me: Do you see where the Federal Building is on the map?

Joe: I’ve got my finger on it.

Me: Okay, how do I get here from there?

Joe: I don’t know.

Me: What? Why not?

Joe: Just give me a minute to figure it out.

Me: What is there to figure out? You just follow the little lines from one spot to the other.

Joe: It’s not that easy; it’s like a ninety degree angle.

Me: So?

Joe: Wait, now I can’t find the Federal Building. It disappeared.

Me: Pick your finger up.

Joe: Oh yeah, there it is.

Me: (waiting impatiently) You need to give me some form of instruction.

Joe: Take the next right.

Me: Right here?

Joe: Right here.

Me: Are you sure, this doesn’t look like a proper street.

Joe: Yes. Turn before we miss it!

I turned onto the weird little street per Joe’s instruction. It wasn’t a proper street.

Me: What kind of street is this? It’s barely wide enough for one car.

Joe: I don’t know. It’s just a really narrow street, with big weird curbs and a bunch of wires overhead.

Me: What are those wires for… holy crap, we’re on the Metro Rail line! We have to get off this.

I immediately hit the brakes and threw the car into reverse. As I turned the wheel attempting to back around, the rear wheels bumped up against the curb. Then I pulled forward and the front wheels bumped up against the other curb. I repeated this process several times until I had successfully wedged the car between the curbs on either side of the pathway. We couldn’t go forward. We couldn’t go backward. We were stuck.

Me: You’re gonna have to get out and push.

Joe: I don’t want to do that, there’s a bunch of people watching.

Me: Of course they’re watching; they’re waiting for the Metro Rail to come around the corner and smash the idiots into tiny pieces.

Conveniante mass transit to most. Impending doom to us.

Convenient mass transit to most. Impending doom to us.

Joe grudgingly got out and pushed. People watched.

As we attempted to extricate ourselves from the path of the Metro Rail, that was certain to come barreling around the corner at any moment and annihilate us, people were pointing and laughing at idiocy they were witnessing. After several attempts, we freed ourselves, bounding up over the curb with a thud. I pulled back onto the pathway heading in the opposite direction. Joe got back into the car and sat sheepishly. It was all very humiliating.

Joe: A homeless guy laughed at me.

Me: That’s rough for you.

Joe: He asked me if I was born this stupid.

Me: Perhaps he’s seen you read a map.

Joe: We were at a ninety degree angle.

Me: Okay Pythagoras.

Joe: Are we going to tell Al we got his car stuck on the Metro Rail track?

Me: We are not.

We pulled out of the Metro Rail pathway and back into normal traffic, and all was well…except for Buffalo PD patrol car that happened to be passing by at that moment. The officer did a double-take that would have made James Finlayson* proud, brought his vehicle to a screeching halt and poked his muscle-bound head out the patrol car window. And yes, he had a muscle-bound head.

*What? You don't know James Finklayson. He was an old-timey actor famous for his double takes.

*What? You don’t know James Finlayson. He was an old-timey actor famous for his double-takes.

Police Officer: Pull over.

We pulled over. He stormed up to our car with a scowl, and a definite sense of purpose. I began to explain to him what had happened, but before I could get the first word out, he interrupted me.

Police Officer: Do you even have a driver’s license?

Me: Yes sir, I have all my information right here.

He snatched the information from my hand as he glared at me. I could see myself cowering beneath him in his mirrored sunglasses.

Police Officer: That’s not a street.

Me: I know.

Police Officer: You know? The fact that you were driving on it would suggest otherwise. Why would you be doing that?

Me: (nodding toward Joe) Well, he was reading the map and giving me directions, and he said to turn there.

Police Officer: Did he really? You over there, Map Idiot, did you tell him to drive down the Metro Rail track?

Joe: We’re just trying to get to the Federal Building.

Police Officer (refocusing on me): Do you just go wherever Map Idiot tells you to go? If Map Idiot tells you to drive head-on into the Metro Rail, is that what you do? You’re not going to make it to the Federal Building if you’re dead.

Me: I’m sorry officer, normally I’m an excellent driver, (I had just seen Rain Man) but I’m from a small town, and I’m not used to driving in the big city.

I wish I could tell you that’s not what I said, but it’s exactly what I said. That’s right, I’m a rube. But it worked, the officer chuckled a little and immediately softened. He gave us instructions to the Federal building, told us to be careful, and sent us on our way. We safely reached the Federal Building where we found Al waiting for us.

Me: So you got out of it?

Al: Yes.

Me: What did you tell them?

Al: Something.

Me: Like what?

Al: Just something. I don’t want to talk about it.

Me: Okay.

Al: So, did you have any trouble getting here?

Me: Nope.

Joe: The police officer didn’t even give us a ticket.

Al: Why would you get a ticket?

Me: No reason. I don’t want to talk about it.

It was a quiet ride home.

What the map of Buffalo evidently looked like to the Map Idiot.

What the map of Buffalo evidently looked like to the Map Idiot.

Posted in funny, History, Humor, idiotprufs, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
24 May 2016
17 Comments

Hey Idiot–Use Your Good Eye

(image source: wpcliparts.com)

People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.

One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people over the edge.

It will make the most even-tempered among us see red and spit blood.

It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and obscenity laced tirades.

It will even cause Pope Francis to punch mimes in the face.

What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.

Note: I was just kidding about people who screw-up traffic causing Pope Francis to punch mimes in the face; mimes are the reason Pope Francis punches mimes in the face. 

Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”

Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.

Here are just some of the ways you can screw-up traffic:

  • By driving.
  • By driving too slowly in the fast-lane; it’s called the fast-lane, people are trying to get somewhere.
  • By driving too fast; are you trying to kill someone, maniac?
  • By never using your turn signal; let people know what you’re doing. You’re obviously stupid, we just don’t know how stupid.
  • By consuming 15 to 20 cans of Coors Light before driving your kids to Sunday School.
  • By driving for miles and miles with your turn signal blinking for no apparent reason.
  • By sitting at a 4-way stop and gaping numbly at the other drivers when it’s clearly your turn to go.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to make an obscene gesture to another motorist.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to text your friend; nothing you have to say is important.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend. (You will however need to find it to dial 911 after you hit that tree.)
  • By driving down the road with your seat-belt dangling out the door, making sparks on the road; it’s dangerous when you cause other motorists to laugh hysterically.
  • By having your automobile come to an abrupt stop in the middle of a busy street because your transmission fluid has suddenly drained from your car. (This is your not fault; you can tell all those idiots honking their horns to shove it.)

Shove it!
(image source: wpclipart,com)

Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.

Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed-up traffic.

Posted in Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
23 May 2016
11 Comments

Ungulate Whore and Few Other Search Terms

looking detective search term idiotprufsAs I was perusing my search terms page, I decided that it was time to do another post on some of the more bizarre search terms.

These are exactly the way I found them, with a few comments or observations from myself.

Hall & Oates beef jerky  A genius marketing plan–nothing says Philadelphia soul music like dried meat products.

drive nails through Scrotum  It is my sincerest hope that this person wasn’t looking for a how-to site.

testicle nails  You can find these in your local hardware store, right next to the wood screws.

testicles sister  I’ve never met her, but do know testicle’s brother.

Note: A disturbing number of search terms contained the word testicle.

Scientology and Body Hair  The title of John Travolta’s unauthorized biography.

carton of mad  I purchase my mad by the case; it’s cheaper that way.

playdough science experiments fire.  Bill Nye’s best episode ever.

proof gremlins don’t exist  Gremlins do exist, a troll told me.

do gremlins poop or pee  Constantly, according to the troll.

Cure for hiccups the government won’t tell  First the grassy knoll, and now this.

does our government lie about mermaids?  No. But just try asking those weasels about hiccups.

girl traffic diarrhea  A girl with a problem.

holding in diaphram erectile dysfunction  A guy with a problem.

“most disturbing part” sexual  The same guy.

Can your guidance counselor call you stuiped?  Only if you misspell the word stupid.

is your guidence counselor supposed to be nice  Of course. What a stuiped question.

poop finger paint  The cause of my lifetime ban from the Louvre.

who hates raccoons  Anyone who knows the pain of being stood up on prom night…by a raccoon.

toothless idiot pictures  A bad fetish site.

ungulate whore  A worse fetish site. (But an amazing name for a racehorse.)

obese garden gnome image   A really disturbing fetish site.

paris hilton tourette syndrome  A new and terrifying form of Tourette Syndrome. Sufferers will seek out attention of any kind. They will accost anyone holding a camera while screaming, “everybody look at me. I have a tiny dog that fits in my purse.”

Cartoon stick girl  Another search result involving Paris Hilton.

do new justin beiber dolls come out 2012  Only if my prayers come true.

How do I meet the new neighbors?  See search term below.

i don’t want to meet the new neighbours  Please, let these two people be neighbors.

lab rats French  Similar to normal lab rats, but they wear tiny berets.

mad scientist who made Frankenstein  Good question. Here’s another: what was the name of that famous baseball player who died from Lou Gehrig’s disease?

is walking and lifting heavy objects exercise  I consider just thinking about walking and lifting heavy objects to be exercise.

how to clean and stretch a raccoon  Finally, somebody is addressing this problem.

how to make wooden knickers for bigfoot hunting.  We have wooden knickers for everything else.

ways of saying you are a peon  See search term below.

can you get a concussion from walking into a glass door?  Peon.

is it illegal to stab somebody in the face with plastic forks  It won’t be if my ballot initiative goes well. Vote early. Vote often.

“You Make My Dreams”
with Hall and Oates beef jerky.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Nov 2015
9 Comments

Ray-Ray is a Pretty Boy

news

You may have noticed I enjoy writing posts based on bizarre news stories.

For example:

  • The guy who attacked his ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend with a dead weasel. (In the guy’s defense: it’s hard to attack someone with a live weasel.)
  • The off duty cop who allegedly assaulted his girlfriend because she attacked him with a Justin Bieber doll. (In the cop’s defense: it must have been horrifying to have that smug little face flying at him.)
  • The Bigfoot hunter who filed a police report claiming Bigfoot pelted his RV with rocks. (In Bigfoot’s defense: the man was obviously an obsessed stalker.)
  • The man who was arrested for trespassing while behaving bizarrely and licking a toad. (In the man’s defense: it’s difficult to lick a toad and not behave bizarrely.)
  • The Japanese restaurant that serves a curry that is designed to taste and smell like human feces. (In the restaurant’s defense: there is no defense, it’s just horrifying.)
japanese curry

I wasn’t joking about the curry.

And in recent news.

Oakland Raiders linebacker, Ray-Ray Armstrong, is facing third-degree felony charges for–you’re gonna love this–taunting a K-9 service dog on the field prior to their game with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Raiders player barked at the dog, lifted his shirt and pounded his chest as he taunted the dog according to Chief Deputy Kevin Kraus.

Isn’t that just fantastic?

Kraus said the player also told the deputy holding the K-9 to “send the dog.”

“The dog was going crazy,” Kraus said. “The deputy was trying to control the dog the best she could.”

k9

The K-9 involved offered no comment, but simply got in his vehicle and drove away.

The sheriff’s office notified the Steelers, the NFL, and the Raiders of the investigation.

They also notified Ray-Ray’s mom, and were assured he would receive a whoopin’.

The Raiders signed Armstrong in October 2014 after the St. Louis Rams cut him for committing an excessive number of penalties…and for his propensity to lift his shirt, pound on his chest, and taunt random animals.

The Ram’s organization cited one particularly disturbing incident involving Ray-Ray, a parrot named Petey, and a chest pounding, obscenity laced tirade aimed at the parrot.

Ray-Ray claimed that it was the parrot who started it.

“Ray-Ray is a pretty-boy,” was the parrot’s only comment.

Armstrong could face serious charges as “taunting a police animal” is a third-degree felony in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

Note: as a current resident of Western Pennsylvania I feel qualified to address this: we couldn’t care less if you want to taunt a police dog. As long as you don’t care if a police dog chomps you in the man bits.

german shepeard

See what happens?

A few other things that are third-degree felonies in Pennsylvania.

  • Carrying a gun without a permit
  • Terroristic threats.
  • Taunting a police animal.
  • Taunting a German Shepherd.
  • Taunting a German.
  • Taunting a shepherd.
  • Taunting sheep.
  • Pretending you like a police animal, then acting all aloof the next time you see it.
  • Attacking someone with a Justin Bieber doll.
  • Attacking someone with Justin Bieber.
  • Attacking Justin Bieber with a dead weasel.
  • Taunting Justin Bieber. (I’m just kidding, this is encouraged.)
  • Taunting Bigfoot.
  • Licking a toad. (But only if toad hasn’t given its consent.)
  • Licking Bigfoot and taunting a toad. (Bigfoot never objects to being licked…make of that what you will.)
  • Reckless burning or exploding. (I’m not making this one up.)
  • Reckless burning, exploding optional.
  • Making long and pointless lists.

The Allegheny County Sheriff’s department is currently investigating the incident.

The unfortunate thing for Ray-Ray (apart from his name) is there were about 50,000 witnesses.

If only he had taunted Justin Bieber instead.

oakland raiders

Alleged dog taunter, and recipient of an imminent whoopin’.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, polls and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
23 Jun 2015
40 Comments

So I’ve Ruffled Some Feathers

 

mad baby

“My feathers have been sufficiently ruffled.”

It seems I’ve ruffled some feathers.

Some big, fat, whiny, bitchy, crybaby feathers.

It’s not that this blog hasn’t generated negative reactions in the past. It has and that disapproval has been manifest in many forms:

  • Through the WordPress comments function.
  • By email.
  • Unfriending me on Facebook.
  • Friending me on Facebook for the sole purpose of unfriending me.
  • Tweeting about me with the hashtag: jackass.
  • Sniper fire.
  • I’ve been accosted by mimes. (They don’t say much, but their gesticulated scorn is withering.)
  • Women flee at the sight of me. (To be frank, this was happening long before I started this blog.)
  • Small children bite me with their sharp little adolescent teeth.
  • A vicious diatribe was nailed to my front door, written in blood. (This one surprised me; Grandma needs all the blood she has.)
  • Random baboon attacks.
  • Skywriting.
  • Strategically placed billboards with shockingly filthy messages.
  • The song “You Suck” is constantly being dedicated to me on the radio.
  • Vitriolic letters to the editor of The Bolivian Free Press. (The Bolivian Free Press is an odd name for a newspaper in a country where the primary language isn’t English. It’s almost as though I made it up.)
  • Llamas spit on me, then act like it was an accident.
  • Lorenzo Lamas spits on me, then acts like it was an accident.
  • I get junk mail addressed to: That Ass Who Writes The Blog.
  • The letters in my alphabet soup randomly form death threats.
  • I am frequently presented with that time honored and always effective middle finger.

But it was the following passage from a recent post, Home is Where the Heart is…and a Bit of Predator, in which I detailed reasons my hometown is awesome, that has caused the cheese to slide off the crackers of a few people:

Reason #4: my aunts and uncles

If modern cinema and television have taught us anything through mega-hits such as Harry Potter, Twilight, and The Walking Dead, it’s that witches, vampires, werewolves, and various incarnations of the undead, are quite popular in current culture.

The town of Westfield, NY is polluted with my aunts and uncles.

Note: you get what I’m implying.

It has been suggested that this passage is defamatory, and this blog is guilty of slander.

That is ridiculous–defamation in written form is clearly libel.

Note: seriously, if you don’t know the difference between slander and libel, you shouldn’t run around all willy-nilly accusing anyone of either.

Nevertheless, a few points of clarification.

None of my aunts or uncles are werewolves. Sure their behavior is a tad monstrous when the moon is full, but it’s monstrous during all phases of the moon. They’re not any better when the sun is up…I guess my point is it’s pretty much a perpetual state.

None of my aunts or uncles are vampires; they’re bloodsuckers of an entirely different ilk.

None of my aunts or uncles are members of the undead. The stench of rotting flesh that follows when they arrive, and their seeming inability to communicate in even monosyllabic fashion, are probably just coincidences.

Witches? Granted, I’m not referring to the type of stereotypical green-skinned, broom-traversing witches such the wicked witches from the Wizard of Oz.  However…

Note: if only I could dispatch them with a bucket of water.

Remember this one important thing: it isn’t libel if it’s true.

Addendum

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a troop of flying monkeys to do your bidding?

flying monkey

A flying monkey toting Toto. (Not the rock group, he’d need a bigger basket.)

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

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