Stupid and Toothless in Poland (or Not)
Several months ago I wrote a post about a news story involving a man in Poland and his girlfriend.
It seemed that Marek Olszewski broke off his relationship with his girlfriend Anna Mackowiak. A few days later he showed up at the dentist complaining of a toothache. The twist: Ms. Mackowiak was the dentist.
She allegedly gave him a heavy dose of anesthesia and proceeded to pull every one of his teeth.
When he woke up he knew something wasn’t right because he couldn’t feel his teeth and his head was heavily bandaged.
Mackowiak faced an investigation for medical malpractice and three years in prison.
Olszewski’s current girlfriend broke up with him, who wants to date a guy who has no teeth?
There was only one problem with the story: it was a hoax.
I was deeply disappointed. But what was I disappointed about? I wasn’t certain.
Was I disappointed that a man wasn’t the victim of assault?
I don’t think so.
Was I disappointed that an obviously distraught woman, wasn’t facing possible prison time and the ruination of her career?
Am I just a bad person who enjoys the perils of others?
Maybe, but that’s not why I was disappointed.
Was I disappointed that the worst decision that any man has made since John Bobbitt bought his wife Lorena that set of kitchen knives for her birthday, hadn’t really happened?
Was I disappointed that a story, unburdened by the limitations of the truth, wasn’t a little more fantastic?
Think of the possibilities.
- She could have pulled every tooth, except the one with the cavity; leaving a painful mocking reminder.
- She could have pulled his teeth in a pattern that made him look like a jack-o-lantern.
- She could have pulled all of his teeth and given him two huge veneers in front so that he looked like Bugs Bunny. Then Super Glued a carrot to his hand.
- She could have bleached his face and given him veneers that made him look like a vampire. (And not one of those trendy vampires from True Blood, but one of those old-timey Bela Lugosi vampires.)
- She could have given him tooth tattoos that read, I’m a douche, every time he smiled.
- She could have given him a face tattoo, Mike Tyson style.
- She could have pulled all of his teeth, turned them into a necklace, and then worn it to court.
- She could have replaced all of his teeth with Chiclets, just to see how long it would take him to notice.
- She could have promised him that he would never have another toothache again, then laughed maniacally as she put him under the anesthesia.
- She could have charged him for every tooth she pulled, then offered him a 10% discount on dentures.
- She could have fled the country and disappeared forever. The only evidence of her existence: an envelope that her former boyfriend receives every year on the anniversary of the break-up. The envelope always contains one tooth and a mocking note counting down the years until he finally has all his teeth again.
The possibilities were limitless.
My Next Post: How the story would have gone if I had written it.