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Toothless and Full Figured in Pennsylvania: How I Would Tell the Story

Goodbye, dear friend.

UNSPECIFIED SMALL TOWN, PA.–A local dentist is facing a medical malpractice inquiry and possible assault charges after removing all of her ex-boyfriend’s teeth.

The aptly named Anita Payback told authorities that she had every intention of maintaining professionalism until she pulled that first tooth.

“I yanked out that first tooth and it felt so good. So I yanked out another one. After that, I pulled another one. Then I thought, this is horrible, I can’t do this. So I downed half a bottle of vodka and yanked them all out.”

“I knew something was wrong as soon as I woke up,” the victim, John Q. Stoogely told authorities, “I couldn’t feel my teeth, my face was heavily bandaged and just felt weird all over. I looked over at Anita and she was just sitting there, laughing hysterically and clutching an empty bottle of Vodka. Sitting on the counter next to her was a jar full of bloody teeth. The jar was labeled: Rat Bastard’s teeth.”

When asked if he didn’t think it was a bad idea to go to a recently jilted girlfriend for dental work, he replied, “Why would I? I made it very clear to Anita that the break up had nothing to do with her: my new girlfriend Brenda is just younger, prettier, and she just looks better in daylight.”

But the story gets even weirder. “As I was waking up, I realized that my chest was really sore. I went to rub my chest and there they were; not only had she pulled all my teeth, she had also given me breast implants.”

According to Anita, the trouble with their relationship had started a few months earlier on her birthday. “I opened my birthday present and I couldn’t believe my eyes. He had gotten me a pair of breast implants. He offered to pay for the surgery like it was an act of great generosity. Well he wanted breast implants, now he’s got them…the case of anti-aging cream pissed me off too.”

“I can’t believe she did this,” John commented. “I trusted her. I even told her right before she put me under, that I knew she would do a good job because what women of her age lose in looks, they gain in maturity.”

To punctuate an already odd story, John’s new girlfriend Brenda has broken up with him.

“He’s got no teeth,” Brenda told us, “and it turns out he’s kind of an idiot. And quite frankly, I just can’t date a man who has bigger breasts than I do.”

“Seriously, I’m gonna do it.”

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11 thoughts on “Toothless and Full Figured in Pennsylvania: How I Would Tell the Story

  1. longchaps2 on said:

    It’s good that she was his dentist and not his proctologist. VERY good.


  2. Two comments:

    1. “Breast implants and toothless” is reminiscent of a really bad and vulgar old joke.

    2. If this had occurred in West Virginia, the girlfriend dentist would have had to remove only one tooth.


  3. So much for the notion of the professional class as being one of maturity, discretion and discipline.


  4. Once again, I google a few words and… want to go back to bed.

    Oh, but your version is better, because it’s funny and wonderful and keeps going and if I would just stop fact-checking you I could laugh and pretend that something like this would never actually happen in the real world. Clearly there’s something very wrong with me. Can we work on a bit of code that locks me out of google for a few minutes after I’ve been here?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ha! It’s hard to tell satire from truth these days. If you can’t serve as a good example, at least serve as a good warning.


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