idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “Humor”

27 Jul 2022
7 Comments

King of New York

kings crownI’ve been working on a ballot initiative for the upcoming election.

Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes, I will become king of the great state of New York.

I must admit, there have been varied reactions to the prospect of my becoming king of New York.

The reactions have ranged from mild laughter to hysterical laughter.

But I would be a kind and benevolent king.

Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed:

  • Bureaucrats.
  • More bureaucrats.
  • Parents who allow their children to run around and scream like howler monkeys in The Home Depot. (You know who you are.)
  • People who say lol out loud instead of actually laughing.
  • This one guy named Ron who is a total dick.
  • Even more bureaucrats.

Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of New York.

They throw around phrases like wildly and maniacally unhinged or dangerously and horribly unbalanced.

(Also, people who overuse adverbs need to go.)

They offer the following proofs:

  • We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
  • They say my plans for a castle with a moat violate all kinds of zoning laws.
  • They say my plans for turrets on my castle to hold cannons, would also violate zoning laws.
  • They say my plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
  • They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great state of New York that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put cannons wherever the hell I want.
  • They claim I really can’t be trusted with cannons. (This one is fair–I will lay waste to things.)
  • They oppose my plans to declare war against Canada. (King Trudeau and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
  • They oppose my plans to make Bigfoot the state bird. (Not everything has to make sense.)
  • They say my plans to seize the city of Erie from Pennsylvania and turn it into a maximum-security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
  • They claim that I am a whack-job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.

While some or most of these points are valid, who cares, I want to be king.

I’m feeling very optimistic.

Addendum:  while my previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure, I’m hopeful this initiative fairs better.

I still don’t understand why slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day failed; it’s clearly needed.

Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face…and there should be a specific day for it.

Posted in erie, funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
17 Jul 2022
2 Comments

I Would Wish That on My Worst Enemy

Imagine you’re listening to the following story:

So Ron was just standing there, and suddenly this llama bursts out of the brush, ran right past the whole group of us, and bit Ron on the testicles. It was like the llama singled him out. I mean, Ron is a giant prick, but how would the llama know that?

Now the llama is just shaking Ron by his crotch, and Ron is screeching in agony because that llama had some nasty jagged teeth. So then the llama lets go of Ron’s crotch, and it turns around really quickly, so we’re all thinking it’s over and the llama’s just going to run away, but instead, it kicks Ron in the face. Now Ron has nasty jagged teeth too.

At this point, Ron’s just lying there on the ground in a crumpled, whimpering mass, and the llama stands over him and pees on him. Then the llama just gallops away and back into the brush like it’s proud of itself.

Then someone exclaims, “holy shit, why is there even a llama running around Jamestown, New York?”

The person punctuates the story by saying, “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

But you’re thinking to yourself: I would definitely wish that on my worst enemy. I’m a little bit happy it happened to Ron.

You giggle a bit as you imagine it happening to your worst enemy.

Then you start to think: I wonder if I could find that same llama and make it happen to my worst enemy.

It can’t be that hard to find: a stray llama in Jamestown, New York.

Then you start wondering why the word llama is spelled with two l’s at the beginning, but you quickly refocus to planning a llama attack upon your worst enemy.

You could record it and put it on YouTube; that would be awesome! Now you’re starting to get a little excited at the prospect of your worst enemy being the victim of a vicious llama attack.

You realize there’s almost nothing you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy.

You’ve wished bad things on people who mildly annoy you. Like that time you got stuck on an elevator with that mime; no invisible wall will stop a kick to the face from a llama, you stupid mime.

You giggle a little, imagining it.

You start wondering if the whole llama thing with Ron wasn’t planned all along; Ron really is a prick.

Now you’re wondering if you’re a terrible person.

Then you stop wondering things because you’ve got a llama to find.

elephants
You couldn’t find the llama, but this will do.
Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
13 Jul 2022
8 Comments

The Junk Drawer

messy drawer

Everybody has one of the drawers in their home that is a repository for anything and everything:

  • Assorted rubber-bands that are no longer stretchy.
  • A flashlight with no batteries.
  • Batteries.
  • A roll of unused Mr. Yuk stickers.
  • A scrap of paper with the number for the poison center hotline hastily scribbled on it.
  • That menu from the China Jade restaurant that jams the drawer every time you try to open it.
  • $2.79 in Canadian coins. (Canadians just call them coins.)
  • That cool rock you found that is shaped just like a duck.
  • Duct tape. (Not on a roll, just in a wad.)
  • A box of 20 ultra petite condoms. (My junk drawer is not your junk drawer–don’t judge me.)
  • The manual for the toaster oven you threw away four years ago after the toaster oven broke because you didn’t follow the instructions in the manual.
  • The remains of the smoke alarm that malfunctioned, caught on fire, and nearly burned your house down.
  • Irony.
  • The beginning of really angry letter you were writing to the smoke alarm company, but never finished because your pen leaked ink all over it.
  • A pen that writes, but leaks ink all over the place.
  • An ink stain.
  • An empty bottle of stain remover.
  • An expired coupon for a bottle of stain remover.
  • A pen that doesn’t write at all, but still leaks ink all over the place.
  • A pencil with a broken tip.
  • A broken pencil sharpener.
  • 14 buttons of different size, color, and styles, none of which match any article of clothing in your household.
  • A piece of metal with no discernible purpose.
  • A piece of plastic with no discernible purpose.
  • A remote control that doesn’t appear to control anything in your home.
  • A mason jar lid to the mason jar you broke.
  • A mason jar’s worth of loose nuts and bolts, none of which match.
  • Five marbles. (I lost most of my marbles years ago.)
  • A box cutter that no longer retracts, that you cut your hand on every time you look for something in the drawer.
  • A box of Band-Aids, but with only the big weird shaped ones left.
  • The bottle cap that was a winner for a twenty ounce bottle of Pepsi Free, which if you’re not mistaken was discontinued in the mid-eighties.
  • A cassette tape cover to Cargo by Men at Work–you have no idea where the cassette is. (Also probably a casualty of the mid-eighties.)
  • A self-help book about uncluttering your life…that you’ve never read.
  • A bottle of Elmer’s glue that has completely solidified.
  • A stray knob that you would have reattached if your bottle of Elmer’s glue hadn’t completely solidified.
  • A partially used box of trick birthday candles that you haven’t used since they gave your aunt Gertrude an aneurysm.
  • The Queen of England. (More Canadian money.)
  • Half of a twenty dollar bill that you refuse to get rid of because the moment you do you’ll find the other half.
  • Four incomplete decks of cards.
  • Various unpaid parking tickets.
  • A summons.
  • Stamps of various values–thank you postal service.
  • Wet-wipes: handy for wiping the pepper-spray from your eyes.
  • A restraining order.
  • AAA brochures.
  • AA brochures.
  • A bunch of useless and pointless lists.

queen in red

It’s a bit cramped, but she’s in there.

 

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , ,
12 Jul 2022
2 Comments

The Future of Policing (Fingers Crossed)

I recently happened upon this story at metro.co.uk about a citizen in Los Angeles who witnessed a brawl that was breaking out and tried to report it to a robot police officer:

image source: usaherald.com

“Cogo Guebara rushed over to the motorized police officer and pushed its emergency alert button on seeing the brawl break out in Salt Lake Park, Los Angeles, last month.

But instead of offering assistance, the egg-shaped robot, whose official name is HP RoboCop, barked at Guebara to ‘Step out of the way’.

To add insult to injury, the high-tech device then rolled away while humming an ‘intergalactic tune’, pausing periodically to say ‘Please keep the park clean.’”

Isn’t that awesome?

The person who programmed the robot is either tragically incompetent or a genius.

I choose to believe that person is a genius.

I have no idea what ‘intergalactic tune’ the robot was humming. I can only hope it was the theme song from Cops: “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”

Commit their crimes around HP Robocop, that’s what bad boys are gonna do.

HP Robocop is going to ignore the crime being committed and tase the concerned citizen reporting the crime. I envision the concerned citizen lying on the ground in puddle of their own drool and urine as HP Robocop rolls away humming the tune to Shock the Monkey.

At least that’s my hope.

Do I actually hope an innocent person gets tased?

Yes. Yes I do.

I’m only assuming HP Robocop is armed with a taser, but I don’t want to live in a world where HP Robocop isn’t armed with a taser. I also hope he’s programmed to aim for the groin.

There have also been reports of a second HP Robocop running into a child and a third HP Robocop falling into a fountain.

It just keeps getting better!

We need armies of HP Robocops in every community.

After scouring the local news reports here in Jamestown, NY, I found exactly zero stories about a child being runover by a robot or about a robot falling into a fountain.

I didn’t find a single story involving a robot police officer tasing someone in the groin.

It’s like I’m living in a third world country.

I just watched the latest press conference with Governor Hochul: there wasn’t a single mention of HP Robocop, it was just a big wad of useless political gibberish.

The Governor is wasting all this time on gun control when she could be bringing us HP Robocop.

Priorities!

Sure, HP Robocop probably wouldn’t stop any crime and he might even exacerbate the crime, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

It’s time to get a ballot initiative going.

It’s time to bring HP Robocop to every community.

Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , ,
08 Jul 2022
6 Comments

Local Spider has Altercation with Girl

little miss muffet

An artist’s rendition of the incident.

“It was horrifying,” the victim said, pausing to catch his breath, “it was probably the single most horrifying thing that’s ever happened to me.”

It seems Mr. Chadwick P. Arachnid was innocently spinning his web when a Miss Muffet began creating a disturbance.

“She was screaming hysterically and waving her arms around like a crazy person,” Mr. Arachnid said. “Then she threw a bowl at me. Now my web is filled with curds and whey; it’s completely ruined the dead flies I had stored there.”

Miss Muffet claims it was Mr. Arachnid who frightened her. “That ugly thing scared me so badly I fell off my tuffet,” Miss Muffet told us.

“I’m ugly?” Mr. Arachnid said in disgust. “I thought that screaming giant pink bulbous face of hers was the last thing I was ever going see…and what the hell is a tuffet anyway?”

The authorities have cautioned Miss Muffet and Mr. Arachnid to keep their distance from each other.

“No one has to tell Little Miss Muffet to stay away from that awful thing,” Miss Muffet asserted.

“Did that gargantuan thing refer to herself as little,” Mr. Arachnid said in disbelief. “She should call herself Behemoth Miss Muffet.”

It took several officers to restrain Miss Muffet after she came after Mr. Arachnid with a rolled-up newspaper.

Mr. Arachnid survived the attack but is recuperating with three broken legs.

spider

“I stand by my assertion–she’s huge.”

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
10 Jun 2022
2 Comments

Mad Dog 20/20: The Greatest Invention Ever


invention symbol

When you’re having a reflective moment and you’re pondering the greatest invention in human history, what springs to mind?

Is it fire? The wheel? The combustion engine? That little plastic thing that keeps the top of your pizza from being smeared on the box? All very important.

Perhaps it’s the written word. (Although that’s certainly not reflected here.)

You probably think it’s an advancement in medicine or technology.

Wrong! The answer is Mad Dog 20/20.

I know what you’re thinking: why am I wasting precious moments of a finite lifetime reading a bunch of drivel written by a person who is clearly unstable and who probably spent far too much of his youth eating paste and crayons.

Wrong Again! I still eat paste and crayons.

I’m going to provide five specific reasons for my assertion that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

Reason #1

It’s not just wine–it’s a flavored fortified wine.

It’s fortified!

Fortified wines have a higher alcohol content than regular sissy wines.

Anything with the word fort in it is inherently superior to anything without the word fort in it.

Example:

Fort Worth, Texas: thriving metropolis populated with the highest caliber of people.

Worth, Illinois: total shithole filled with mimes.

Enough said.

Reason #2

If you’re anything like me, (my sympathies if you are) you are dazzled by things that are bright and shiny. Mad Dog 20/20 is available in a myriad of brightly colored flavors. There are so many brilliant colors it’s dizzying. And if you’re into to dizziness: consuming Mad Dog 20/20 can help you with that too.

md 20/20

It’s dizzying.

Reason #3

The medical applications of Mad Dog 20/20 are practically endless.

  • It kills the Coronavirus. (It kills most living things; I assume that includes the Coronavirus.)
  • It’s essentially a cure for not having liver disease.
  • Too many pesky brain cells? Mad Dog 20/20 is the solution.
  • It makes your vomit glow in the dark–how cool is that?
  • It makes you vomit. Vomiting cleanses the body and entertains your friends.
  • It also makes your urine glow in the dark. You’d be surprised how often that comes in handy.
  • It’s a memory suppressor: if you drink a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20 and you do something crazy and stupid, you won’t remember it. (However, the authorities may remind you of what you’ve done.)

Reason #4

Applications apart from drinking it.

  • Self-defense: it can be used to blind an attacker.
  • As an adhesive: it’s one of the stickiest substances known to man.
  • Entomology: it can be used to attract bees, ants, or hobos.
  • As a repellent: it repels wombats, musk oxen, and The French.
  • Monetarily: it’s used as currency in the best federal prisons.
  • Status: if you keep Mad Dog 20/20 on display in your home, people will know you’re classy.

Reason #5

Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown of Westfield, NY. It’s a wonderful small village in western New York that has produced many brilliant people…and me.

It’s surprising the word fort isn’t in the name of the village. Strictly speaking, somebody dropped the ball on that.

I think at this point you probably agree with me that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

So, drink up.

Westfield ny

Many brilliant people.

Addendum: my apologies to the citizens of Worth, Illinois, I’m sure you’re fine people.

Posted in funny, health, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
24 Feb 2022

Remembering a Great

What do these movies have in common?

Bluto from Animal House,

Animal House.

De Niro Idiotprufs

Analyze This.

rodney dangerfield

Back to School.

groundhog caddyshack

Caddyshack.

bill murray stripes

Stripes.

ghostbusters

Ghostbusters

groundhog day

Groundhog Day

One has mobsters.

One has ghosts.

Two are set in universities.

Two have groundhogs.

Four have Bill Murray.

All of them are classic comedies.

Most importantly: they are just some of the movies that owe a writing credit to the great Harold Ramis.

harold ramis

Rest In Peace Dr. Egon Spengler.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
19 Jan 2022
2 Comments

Blog-Phobia

fear

“I’m so afraid of having my picture taken.”

Here’s a bit of information: there are more than 500 official phobias.

If you have Epistemophobia, the fear of knowledge, learning that just freaked you out a tiny bit.

Some phobias are quite common:

Chiroptophobia: the fear of bats. Many people perceive bats to be terrifying, blood-sucking, winged creatures of the night. Some people may wildly wave their hands and scream like a little girl when a bat flies past their head. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Nothing!

Acrophobia: the fear of heights. Some people scream like a little girl if you put them on a tiny stepladder. This behavior is ridiculous–unless there’s bats up there.

Genophobia: the fear of sex. This is an extremely common phobia; every girl I’ve ever dated has suffered from it.

Other phobias are a little more unusual:

Automatonophobia: the fear of ventriloquist’s dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues – anything that falsely represents a sentient being. (This explains my fear of the Kardashians.)

Walloonphobia: the fear of Walloons. Walloons could burst at any moment making a loud popping sound and startling you.

(My apologies, I thought this was the fear of balloons. Walloons are the French-speaking population of Belgium; it’s perfectly normal to be startled when Walloons burst and make a loud popping noise.)

Chionophobia: the fear of snow. Snow is lovely, how could anyone be afraid of snow? Unless of course you’re referring to Jon Snow the British news presenter–he’s freaky.

Jon snow british

I find his respectability unsettling.

But I found this list to be horribly lacking. I suffer from a myriad of phobias that are not officially recognized:

Sonny-Bono-phobia: the fear of being haunted nightly by the ghost of Sonny Bono. I fear he’d hang out all night singing I’ve Got You Babe, openly questioning Cher’s life choices, and warning me of the dangers of downhill skiing.

Potato-salad-phobia: the fear of the potato salad your aunt brings to family picnics. The Salmonella is the least offensive thing in it.

Old-hag-phobia: the fear of your aunt whether she’s bearing potato salad or not.

Decimal-phobia: the fear of any number containing a decimal point. While many people have a fear of the number 13, I find numbers like 24.7, 44.6, or 58.758 to be horrifying. When I found out the average body temperature was 98.6, I stayed in a broom closet for days weeping inconsolably.

Broom-closet-phobia: the fear of broom closets. I developed this phobia after being trapped in a broom closet for days where I wept inconsolably.

Oikos-phobia: the fear of anything Greek (especially Greek yogurt) or any product that John Stamos is a spokesperson for.

Pi-phobia: fear of the Greek letter Pi. Pi represents 3.14: the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter. John Stamos frequently uses Pi when he is determining the volume of the circle on the top of a Greek yogurt container. (Pi is a bucketful of issues for me.)

Ticking-time-bomb-phobia: the horrible fear that masked intruders will break into my home as I sleep, kidnap me, lock me in a room with a ticking time bomb, and bind my hands so that I must diffuse the bomb with my tongue. If they’re particularly sinister, they will slather the bomb with my aunt’s potato salad. (The potato salad really is crap.)

Kool-Aid-man-phobia: the fear that the Kool-Aid man will come crashing through the side of my home, leaving a gaping hole in the wall, and damaging the structural integrity of the entire house. He will then yell “Oh Yeah” with his big bulbous face, and behave as if the act of pouring me a glass of Kool-Aid makes up for giant mess he’s created.

Humor-blog-phobia: the fear of wasting precious moments of your life reading the moronic ramblings that some witless stooge has posted on WordPress.

While any phobia can cause issues and have ill-effect on one’s well being; it’s the last entry on the list that is especially debilitating. So watch out for it.

kool aid man

Stupid bulbous face. I’ll bet he read too many humor blogs.

Posted in funny, health, Humor, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
16 Jan 2022
7 Comments

Don’t Drone on About Wolves

aesop fables

“Wolf! Big freaking wolf!! I’m not kidding!”

In a controversial move, the residents of a small Greek village have replaced the boy who watches over their sheep with drones. “It really makes a lot of sense,” The village elder reported. “We’ve had a great deal of trouble maintaining the integrity of the village’s herd of sheep.”

Apparently the village has experienced some issues with sheep wandering off, attacks from predators, and what was described simply as “human error” by the village elder.

“It was that idiot kid,” a villager named Aesop finally confided. “We all knew he was trouble from the start: always fooling around, never taking his job seriously. He thought the job was boring, ‘counting sheep puts me to sleep’ he would say jokingly.” He paused for a moment before adding, “he’s the village elder’s nephew.”

According to reports, the boy would amuse himself by crying wolf, then laughing hysterically at the harried villagers who would drop what they were doing, and hurry out to the pasture with pitchforks in hand, only to find no wolf.

cartton boy

After the boy had “cried wolf” on several occasions, the villagers had had enough. “There’s a big guy in the village named Acteon,” Aesop said. “He would get really angry running all the way out to the meadow. It took three guys just to keep him from whomping that kid over the head with an ax handle.”

The boy’s false alarms would take a turn for the tragic. It seems when a real wolf threatened the herd, none of the villagers would heed his call, and several sheep were lost. It was at this point the village decided to make a change. “The drones are working out really well,” the village elder effused. “They can monitor the herd, round-up sheep that happen to stray, and we’ve weaponized them so they can eliminate any potential threat. We did have an unfortunate incident when a villager became frightened and threw his pitchfork at a drone…let’s just say, what goes up must come down.”

When asked what the boy was doing now that he no longer looked after the sheep, the village elder hesitated before answering, “evidently one of the drones deemed him to be a threat to the herd…my sister is pretty pissed.”

“There’s moral to this story,” Aesop added. “A liar won’t be believed, even when he’s telling the truth…and he might get his ass blown off by a drone.”

drone wolf

Loud-mouthed threat detected.

Posted in funny, health, History, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
30 Dec 2021
2 Comments

Let’s All Just Start Accepting the Truth


Wouldn’t life be easier if we all just told the truth?

Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t sugarcoat things?

Wouldn’t it be better if we just accepted things as they are?

Imagine a world where we didn’t have to censor ourselves; a world where people didn’t get their shorts all twisted up in a bunch over every little thing you say.

Example:

Easily Offended Individual: don’t you think my baby is beautiful?

You: what do you mean–for a lizard?

Easily Offended Individual: I mean beautiful for a baby.

You: a baby lizard?

Easily Offended Individual: for a baby person!

You: your baby looks like a lizard.

Easily Offended Individual: people say the baby takes after me!

You: you have lizard eyes.

Easily Offended Individual: you’re an ass!

You: but I’m an ass with normal eyes.

Easily Offended Individual: you can go to Hell!

See. If people would just accept the fact that they have a creepy lizard baby, everything would be easier and there would be a lot less occurrences of people who were only being honest being punched in the face by angry people who are most likely suffering from the trauma of having lizard eyes.

I’m just saying.

Lizard like reflexes.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

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