The Junk Drawer
Everybody has one of the drawers in their home that is a repository for anything and everything:
- Assorted rubber-bands that are no longer stretchy.
- A flashlight with no batteries.
- Batteries.
- A roll of unused Mr. Yuk stickers.
- A scrap of paper with the number for the poison center hotline hastily scribbled on it.
- That menu from the China Jade restaurant that jams the drawer every time you try to open it.
- $2.79 in Canadian coins. (Canadians just call them coins.)
- That cool rock you found that is shaped just like a duck.
- Duct tape. (Not on a roll, just in a wad.)
- A box of 20 ultra petite condoms. (My junk drawer is not your junk drawer–don’t judge me.)
- The manual for the toaster oven you threw away four years ago after the toaster oven broke because you didn’t follow the instructions in the manual.
- The remains of the smoke alarm that malfunctioned, caught on fire, and nearly burned your house down.
- Irony.
- The beginning of really angry letter you were writing to the smoke alarm company, but never finished because your pen leaked ink all over it.
- A pen that writes, but leaks ink all over the place.
- An ink stain.
- An empty bottle of stain remover.
- An expired coupon for a bottle of stain remover.
- A pen that doesn’t write at all, but still leaks ink all over the place.
- A pencil with a broken tip.
- A broken pencil sharpener.
- 14 buttons of different size, color, and styles, none of which match any article of clothing in your household.
- A piece of metal with no discernible purpose.
- A piece of plastic with no discernible purpose.
- A remote control that doesn’t appear to control anything in your home.
- A mason jar lid to the mason jar you broke.
- A mason jar’s worth of loose nuts and bolts, none of which match.
- Five marbles. (I lost most of my marbles years ago.)
- A box cutter that no longer retracts, that you cut your hand on every time you look for something in the drawer.
- A box of Band-Aids, but with only the big weird shaped ones left.
- The bottle cap that was a winner for a twenty ounce bottle of Pepsi Free, which if you’re not mistaken was discontinued in the mid-eighties.
- A cassette tape cover to Cargo by Men at Work–you have no idea where the cassette is. (Also probably a casualty of the mid-eighties.)
- A self-help book about uncluttering your life…that you’ve never read.
- A bottle of Elmer’s glue that has completely solidified.
- A stray knob that you would have reattached if your bottle of Elmer’s glue hadn’t completely solidified.
- A partially used box of trick birthday candles that you haven’t used since they gave your aunt Gertrude an aneurysm.
- The Queen of England. (More Canadian money.)
- Half of a twenty dollar bill that you refuse to get rid of because the moment you do you’ll find the other half.
- Four incomplete decks of cards.
- Various unpaid parking tickets.
- A summons.
- Stamps of various values–thank you postal service.
- Wet-wipes: handy for wiping the pepper-spray from your eyes.
- A restraining order.
- AAA brochures.
- AA brochures.
- A bunch of useless and pointless lists.
It’s a bit cramped, but she’s in there.
idiotpruf 