idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

The Junk Drawer

messy drawer

Everybody has one of the drawers in their home that is a repository for anything and everything:

  • Assorted rubber-bands that are no longer stretchy.
  • A flashlight with no batteries.
  • Batteries.
  • A roll of unused Mr. Yuk stickers.
  • A scrap of paper with the number for the poison center hotline hastily scribbled on it.
  • That menu from the China Jade restaurant that jams the drawer every time you try to open it.
  • $2.79 in Canadian coins. (Canadians just call them coins.)
  • That cool rock you found that is shaped just like a duck.
  • Duct tape. (Not on a roll, just in a wad.)
  • A box of 20 ultra petite condoms. (My junk drawer is not your junk drawer–don’t judge me.)
  • The manual for the toaster oven you threw away four years ago after the toaster oven broke because you didn’t follow the instructions in the manual.
  • The remains of the smoke alarm that malfunctioned, caught on fire, and nearly burned your house down.
  • Irony.
  • The beginning of really angry letter you were writing to the smoke alarm company, but never finished because your pen leaked ink all over it.
  • A pen that writes, but leaks ink all over the place.
  • An ink stain.
  • An empty bottle of stain remover.
  • An expired coupon for a bottle of stain remover.
  • A pen that doesn’t write at all, but still leaks ink all over the place.
  • A pencil with a broken tip.
  • A broken pencil sharpener.
  • 14 buttons of different size, color, and styles, none of which match any article of clothing in your household.
  • A piece of metal with no discernible purpose.
  • A piece of plastic with no discernible purpose.
  • A remote control that doesn’t appear to control anything in your home.
  • A mason jar lid to the mason jar you broke.
  • A mason jar’s worth of loose nuts and bolts, none of which match.
  • Five marbles. (I lost most of my marbles years ago.)
  • A box cutter that no longer retracts, that you cut your hand on every time you look for something in the drawer.
  • A box of Band-Aids, but with only the big weird shaped ones left.
  • The bottle cap that was a winner for a twenty ounce bottle of Pepsi Free, which if you’re not mistaken was discontinued in the mid-eighties.
  • A cassette tape cover to Cargo by Men at Work–you have no idea where the cassette is. (Also probably a casualty of the mid-eighties.)
  • A self-help book about uncluttering your life…that you’ve never read.
  • A bottle of Elmer’s glue that has completely solidified.
  • A stray knob that you would have reattached if your bottle of Elmer’s glue hadn’t completely solidified.
  • A partially used box of trick birthday candles that you haven’t used since they gave your aunt Gertrude an aneurysm.
  • The Queen of England. (More Canadian money.)
  • Half of a twenty dollar bill that you refuse to get rid of because the moment you do you’ll find the other half.
  • Four incomplete decks of cards.
  • Various unpaid parking tickets.
  • A summons.
  • Stamps of various values–thank you postal service.
  • Wet-wipes: handy for wiping the pepper-spray from your eyes.
  • A restraining order.
  • AAA brochures.
  • AA brochures.
  • A bunch of useless and pointless lists.
queen in red

It’s a bit cramped, but she’s in there.

 

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11 thoughts on “The Junk Drawer

  1. I have pesos from 10 years ago in mine. I keep thinking next year I will go back.

    Like

  2. You forgot the broken candles! I must have about 5 of them! 🙂

    Like

  3. If you were artistic, you could meld those things together and sell them as modern art. You’d have to come up with a better title than “Junk Drawer”

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  4. Been there done that…. !!! 🙂

    Like

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