North East, Pa. — In what is being described as indisputable proof of the existence of Bigfoot, there have been repeated sightings in the small town of North East, Pennsylvania, but it’s not in a way you would suspect.
The reclusive creature hasn’t been spotted in one of the many wooded areas in the region. Nor has he been seen in a fog shrouded field, or even lumbering across a quiet country road.
It seems Bigfoot has been spotted frequenting Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill, a local establishment in the small town.
When asked to describe the incredible encounters, Jen reported the following: “Well, he isn’t much different most of the people who come in here: he’s hairy, smells a bit, a little uncouth, and he drinks a lot. Yeah, he fits in here. Also, he has really big feet…but surprisingly dainty hands.”
Speed’eez owner, George Mcdannel, had the following response after being asked if the recent Bigfoot sightings in his establishment surprised him: “Of course I’m not surprised, we have a wide range of quality craft beers and a selection of delicious chicken wings; why wouldn’t Bigfoot come in here?”
While Bigfoot’s sudden appearances have caused quite a stir in the small community, not all of the patrons of Speed’eez are thrilled with the creature’s presence.
“I laughed a bit too loudly at one of those Jack Links Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials and he got his fur all up in a bunch,” a patron who is known as ‘Poe’ said. “Also, he keeps kicking my ass at bar trivia. Seriously, how does a bipedal hominid that lives in the woods know so damn much about 19th century Russian literature? Plus, I’m pretty sure he has chiggers.”
Another patron, Bob, had the following complaint: “He pours money into the jukebox, and plays nothing but Journey songs; it’s really pissing me off.”
I was able to track down the big guy and get this brief interview:
Idiotprufs: This isn’t the type of setting people would expect to spot Bigfoot.
Bigfoot: Yeah. Normally I like to stay a little more hidden: in a grove of trees or behind a big rock.
Idiotprufs: So what brings you out?
Bigfoot: Sometimes you just have to get out of the wilderness. It’s cold and wet out there and that’s where the family is.
Idiotprufs: You need a little time away from the family?
Bigfoot: Are you kidding? Bigfoot kids are hairy, messy, smelly, screaming little bastards. For the life of me I don’t know why those Bigfoot hunters can’t find me because there’s always a racket going on.
Idiotprufs: That sounds terrible.
Bigfoot: And there are bears out there.
Idiotprufs: You don’t like bears?
Bigfoot: Heavens no, they’re slow dimwitted creatures. You’ve heard the old saying about what bears do in the woods? It’s true, they do it all over the place, it’s disgusting. Ironically every time I try to take a leak, some idiot with a camera pops up out of nowhere.
Idiotprufs: So you come here to relax?
Bigfoot: Absolutely. And do you have any idea how hard it is to get food delivered to your home when your address is: Next To The Big Rock In The Woods.
Idiotprufs: And the people here leave you alone?
Bigfoot: Mostly they leave me alone. The people here are respectful, except for that idiot Poe… I don’t have chiggers!
After the interview, I asked Bigfoot to pose for a few photos, to which he graciously agreed. Unfortunately they all turned out inexplicably blurred and out of frame.