idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the tag “Speedeez”

Update: More Bigfoot Sightings at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill

idiotprufs

A photo of Bigfoot at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill (as always, Bigfoot ducked just out of sight as the picture was taken).
(image source: goerie.com)

North East, Pa.–Since the first reports of Bigfoot sightings in the small town of North East, Pennsylvania at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill, there have been some changes.

It seems his presence has dramatically increased in recent weeks as his wife, Lady Bigfoot, has left him. Evidently she grew weary of his nights of cavorting at Speed’eez, downing 32 ounce mugs of Yuengling Lager, and gorging himself on Buffalo wings, while she was back in the forest, foraging and flipping over dead logs looking for grubs.

“Do you know how much effort it takes to keep your home tidy when you live in the forest?” Lady Bigfoot demanded. “There are bugs everywhere and raccoons get into everything.”

According to reports, Lady Bigfoot’s failing patience was finally exhausted when Bigfoot came home with suspicious blonde hairs stuck to his fur. He claimed the hairs were from a border collie, but that only lead to additional and somewhat disturbing questions.

Reportedly, in the wake of Lady Bigfoot’s departure, Bigfoot’s mood has become dour and he has grown ill-tempered. “He’s always bitching and moaning about something,” one patron of Speed’eez commented, “but you can’t really say anything…he’s so freaking huge.”

The list of things that irritate Bigfoot is myriad and growing:

  • The way squirrels smell when they’re wet.
  • The unnerving noise chipmunks make when they’re having sex.
  • Every song the B-52s have ever recorded.
  • How everyone refers to him using the generic term Bigfoot. His given name is Rupert; why does nobody use it?
  • The inexplicable way Lady Bigfoot always shaved her armpits but absolutely nothing else.
  • The creepy way rabbits chew their food.
  • Girls named Traci that dot the I with a smiley face.
  • When the Jersey Devil pops by unannounced, and you just can’t get him to leave.
  • Justin Bieber (to be fair, all of animal kingdom hates Justin Bieber, especially badgers).
  • When people mistake him for a bear; bears are uninformed and dull-witted creatures.
  • That idiot Poe; he always laughs a bit too loudly at those Jack Link’s messin’ with Sasquatch commercials.
  • Chiggers.
  • The way nobody can take a picture of him that doesn’t turn out blurry and out of frame.
  • Those morons from The Animal Planet. They’re always crashing through the forest, making a racket, and using the term squatchy. What the hell does squatchy even mean.
  • The way deer just crap anywhere they want.
  • The way unicorns crash around with absolutely no regard for where they’re sticking those horns.
  • The way bartenders get pissed when he tips them with grubs and tree bark.
  • When hippies come out to the woods, sit around a campfire, smoke pot, and recite really bad Haiku.
  • Hippies.
  • Haiku.
  • Bigfoot hunters that think they know so much about him. They’ve never once sat down with him, had a beer, and talked. He has opinions; he’s not a bear.

However, in recent days Bigfoot’s spirits have been buoyed by the arrival of friends. Yeti has made the trip from the Himalayas, and The Skunk Ape has arrived from Florida.

But with the arrival of Bigfoot’s friends, a few problems have arisen.

“The only thing ‘Abominable’ about Yeti are his manners,” one of the bartenders related. “If have to listen to him tell one more story about how much a yak can crap, I’m going to lose it.”

“Of course The Skunk Ape smells horrible,” said a patron named Bob, “but what’s worse…he hogs the jukebox and plays nothing but Steve Perry solo stuff.”

Tensions came to a head when Poe accused Bigfoot of giving him deer ticks. Later that evening Poe was found in the street, stomped into the pavement, and covered with giant foot prints. The other patrons seemed to be okay with it.

The local authorities instituted a ban on all mythological creatures while an investigation is conducted.

“I can’t believe this happened right before my busy season,” an exasperated Tooth Fairy commented.

poe beaten up

An artist’s rendition of Poe. Oddly, this was before the attack.

 

 

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Bigfoot and Buffalo Wings

speedeez sports bar

Location of recent Bigfoot sightings.

North East, Pa. — In what is being described as indisputable proof of the existence of Bigfoot, there have been repeated sightings in the small town of North East, Pennsylvania, but it’s not in a way you would suspect.

The reclusive creature hasn’t been spotted in one of the many wooded areas in the region. Nor has he been seen in a fog shrouded field, or even lumbering across a quiet country road.

It seems Bigfoot has been spotted frequenting Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill, a local establishment in the small town.

Jen, a bartender at Speedeez Sports Bar and Grill, who has reportedly spotted Bigfoot...and served him several beers.

Jen, a bartender at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill, who has reportedly spotted Bigfoot…and served him Yuengling.

When asked to describe the incredible encounters, Jen reported the following: “Well, he isn’t much different most of the people who come in here: he’s hairy, smells a bit, a little uncouth, and he drinks a lot. Yeah, he fits in here. Also, he has really big feet…but surprisingly dainty hands.”

Speed’eez owner, George Mcdannel, had the following response after being asked if the recent Bigfoot sightings in his establishment surprised him: “Of course I’m not surprised, we have a wide range of quality craft beers and a selection of delicious chicken wings; why wouldn’t Bigfoot come in here?”

While Bigfoot’s sudden appearances have caused quite a stir in the small community, not all of the patrons of Speed’eez are thrilled with the creature’s presence.

“I laughed a bit too loudly at one of those Jack Links Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials and he got his fur all up in a bunch,” a patron who is known as ‘Poe’ had to say. “Also, he keeps kicking my ass at bar trivia. Seriously, how does a bipedal hominid that lives in the woods know so damn much about 19th century Russian literature? Plus, I’m pretty sure he has chiggers.”

Another patron, Bob, had the following complaint: “He pours money into the jukebox, and plays nothing but Journey songs; it’s really pissing me off.”

I was able to track down the big guy and get this brief interview:

Idiotprufs: This isn’t the type of setting people would expect to spot Bigfoot.

Bigfoot: Yeah. Normally I like to stay a little more hidden: in a grove of trees or behind a big rock.

Idiotprufs: So what brings you out?

Bigfoot: Sometimes you just have to get out of the wilderness. It’s cold and wet out there and that’s where the family is.

Idiotprufs: You need a little time away from the family?

Bigfoot: Are you kidding? Bigfoot kids are hairy, messy, smelly, screaming little bastards. For the life of me I don’t know why those Bigfoot hunters can’t find me because there’s always a racket going on.

Idiotprufs: That sounds terrible.

Bigfoot: And there are bears out there.

Idiotprufs: You don’t like bears?

Bigfoot: Heavens no, they’re slow dimwitted creatures. You’ve heard the old saying about what bears do in the woods? It’s true, they do it all over the place, it’s disgusting. Ironically every time I try to take a leak, some idiot with a camera pops up out of nowhere.

Idiotprufs: So you come here to relax?

Bigfoot: Absolutely. And do you have any idea how hard it is to get food delivered to your home when your address is: Next To The Big Rock In The Woods.

Idiotprufs: And the people here leave you alone?

Bigfoot: Mostly they leave me alone. The people here are respectful, except for that idiot Poe… I don’t have chiggers!

After the interview, I asked Bigfoot to pose for a few photos, to which he graciously agreed. Unfortunately they all turned out inexplicably blurred and out of frame.

Artist's rendition of Bigfoot running from an idiot with a camera.

Artist’s rendition of Bigfoot running from an idiot with a camera.

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