North East, Pa.–Since the first reports of Bigfoot sightings in the small town of North East, Pennsylvania at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill, there have been some changes.
It seems his presence has dramatically increased in recent weeks as his wife, Lady Bigfoot, has left him. Evidently she grew weary of his nights of cavorting at Speed’eez, downing 32 ounce mugs of Yuengling Lager, and gorging himself on Buffalo wings, while she was back in the forest, foraging and flipping over dead logs looking for grubs.
“Do you know how much effort it takes to keep your home tidy when you live in the forest?” Lady Bigfoot demanded. “There are bugs everywhere and raccoons get into everything.”
According to reports, Lady Bigfoot’s failing patience was finally exhausted when Bigfoot came home with suspicious blonde hairs stuck to his fur. He claimed the hairs were from a border collie, but that only lead to additional and somewhat disturbing questions.
Reportedly, in the wake of Lady Bigfoot’s departure, Bigfoot’s mood has become dour and he has grown ill-tempered. “He’s always bitching and moaning about something,” one patron of Speed’eez commented, “but you can’t really say anything…he’s so freaking huge.”
The list of things that irritate Bigfoot is myriad and growing:
- The way squirrels smell when they’re wet.
- The unnerving noise chipmunks make when they’re having sex.
- Every song the B-52s have ever recorded.
- How everyone refers to him using the generic term Bigfoot. His given name is Rupert; why does nobody use it?
- The inexplicable way Lady Bigfoot always shaved her armpits but absolutely nothing else.
- The creepy way rabbits chew their food.
- Girls named Traci that dot the I with a smiley face.
- When the Jersey Devil pops by unannounced, and you just can’t get him to leave.
- Justin Bieber (to be fair, all of animal kingdom hates Justin Bieber, especially badgers).
- When people mistake him for a bear; bears are uninformed and dull-witted creatures.
- That idiot Poe; he always laughs a bit too loudly at those Jack Link’s messin’ with Sasquatch commercials.
- The way nobody can take a picture of him that doesn’t turn out blurry and out of frame.
- Those morons from The Animal Planet. They’re always crashing through the forest, making a racket, and using the term squatchy. What the hell does squatchy even mean.
- The way deer just crap anywhere they want.
- The way unicorns crash around with absolutely no regard for where they’re sticking those horns.
- The way bartenders get pissed when he tips them with grubs and tree bark.
- When hippies come out to the woods, sit around a campfire, smoke pot, and recite really bad Haiku.
- Bigfoot hunters that think they know so much about him. They’ve never once sat down with him, had a beer, and talked. He has opinions; he’s not a bear.
However, in recent days Bigfoot’s spirits have been buoyed by the arrival of friends. Yeti has made the trip from the Himalayas, and The Skunk Ape has arrived from Florida.
But with the arrival of Bigfoot’s friends, a few problems have arisen.
“The only thing ‘Abominable’ about Yeti are his manners,” one of the bartenders related. “If have to listen to him tell one more story about how much a yak can crap, I’m going to lose it.”
“Of course The Skunk Ape smells horrible,” said a patron named Bob, “but what’s worse…he hogs the jukebox and plays nothing but Steve Perry solo stuff.”
Tensions came to a head when a patron called Poe accused Bigfoot of giving him deer ticks. Later that evening Poe was found in the street, stomped into the pavement, and covered with giant foot prints. The other patrons seemed to be okay with it.
The local authorities instituted a ban on all mythological creatures while an investigation is conducted.
“I can’t believe this happened right before my busy season,” an exasperated Tooth Fairy commented.