idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Bigfoot Returns to Small Town Establishment

idiotprufs bigfoot

An artist’s rendition of Bigfoot as he hurries to the restroom after one too many Yuengling Lagers.

North East, PA–It seems the ban of all mythological creatures from Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill in the town of North East, Pennsylvania has been lifted by new management.

The ban was implemented after a series of disturbing incidents involving Yeti, The Skunk Ape, a unicorn named Sparkles, a bevy of mischievous leprechauns, and local resident, Bigfoot.

The series of events culminated when one the patrons, an individual known as Poe, was found in the parking lot severely beaten and covered with giant footprints.

Todd Luke, the new manager of Speed’eez explained the ban’s reversal, “Sure, Bigfoot is loud, smelly, he tips with tree bark, he plays nothing but Steve Perry solo stuff on the jukebox, his hair gets into everything, and he’s probably responsible for the recent outbreak of Lyme Disease, but Poe’s a dick.”

It was originally believed the assault on Poe was precipitated by Poe’s constant reference to an embarrassing infestation that Bigfoot may or may not have had.

“I don’t have genital chiggers,” Bigfoot responded.

However, it has come to light there may have been another reason for the severe beating: Bigfoot believed Poe was making inappropriate advances toward his wife, Lady Bigfoot.

“It’s a completely ridiculous accusation,” Poe said. “While I will admit I’m attracted to extremely tall, hair covered women and that a pre-historic ape-like creature with rudimentary speech skills seem like the type of woman, some might say the only type of woman, who would date me; absolutely nothing untoward happened.”

“We shared a plate of Buffalo Wings and tree grubs once, that’s all there was to it,” Lady Bigfoot explained. “He’s not my type: he doesn’t smell like pinecones and his forehead doesn’t protrude nearly enough.”

She paused momentarily before adding, “and he’s kind of a dick.”

Despite the past tensions, it seems all is back to normal at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill.

“I’m glad we were able to get this all straightened out,” Poe said as he began to scratch his groin. “Hey, what do genital chiggers feel like?”

speed'eez north east pa

A photograph of Bigfoot at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill. Unfortunately, as always, he ducked just out sight as the picture was taken.

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

11 thoughts on “Bigfoot Returns to Small Town Establishment

  1. I believe that this can happen only in North East, PA.

    Like

  2. Life advice: do not waste perfectly good brain space wondering if genital chiggers are a thing.

    Tangentially related: DO NOT google genital chiggers once you’ve pondered the question for what seems like too long. Whatever is going on in your brain is not as bad as the pictures. Or the fact that people posed for them.

    Your time is far better spent considering what life choices lead someone to become a professional photographer who lands a gig in “genital chigger closeups.”

    Like

  3. Sharing a plate of grubs sounds pretty serious to me.

    Like

  4. Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter!! XOXO – Bacon

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: