It happened last night, as it has before, on other Saturday nights. My wife and I had taken our seats at a nice restaurant, and the waiter asked if we’d like to order drinks. My wife asked for a glass of chardonnay–whichever was oakiest–and I ordered a malbec. “We have two,” the waiter said, as my wife […]
(image source: wpcliparts.com)
People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.
One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people over the edge.
It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and obscenity laced tirades.
It even caused Pope Francis to punch a mime in the face.
What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.
Note: I was just kidding about people who screw-up traffic causing Pope Francis to punch a mime in the face; mimes are the reason Pope Francis punched a mime in the face.
Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”
The incident causing traffic to be screwed-up could be completely beyond your control.
Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.
Here are just some of the ways you can screw-up traffic:
“Shove it!”
(image source: wpclipart.com)
Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.
Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed-up traffic.
City officials are cautioning residents to not get their hopes up for this season’s Eight Great Tuesdays as they have announced that only three of the affairs will be of high enough quality to truly be deemed “great.” “Three of them are going to great, no doubt,” according to spokesperson Belinda Butcher. “Additionally, two others […]
via City: Only Three of the Eight Great Tuesdays Will Actually be Great — gooferie
I am the proud father of two sons, now in their twenties, who–like most such humans–passed successfully through what are known as the “teenaged” years. During the same period I was the owner of two male cats. As I saw it, my job in the case of the former was to raise them into upstanding […]
via How to Tell Your Teenaged Son From a Dead Rodent — Gerbil News Network
The following search engine terms cropped up on my stats page:
So it seems there is someone out there with a problem. I have few points to make. (And yes, I’m going to ignore the “sexy man riding a unicorn images” addition to this list, it horrifies me.)
However, after a great deal of soul-searching (watching several episodes of The Rockford Files on Netflix) I came to a conclusion: why shouldn’t I be able to help?
After doing exhaustive research, (mostly googling weird penis problems) conferring with a myriad of professionals, (friends who I thought would get a good chuckle out of weird penis problems) and pondering all the possibilities, I decided that I could be of assistance.
The Question:
Why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it?
The Answer:
You have probably put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.
The Solution:
Stop doing that.
Life really is simple if you want it to be.
If you should happen to try this search term, don’t click on images. Just don’t do it.
A mother’s effort to honor her young children went terribly wrong when the tattoo she got of her son’s name was spelled incorrectly — so she took what some might call an unusual approach. Fortunately her friends and family convinced her not to have her armed amputated, but instead to rename her son after the tattoo.
“Kevin,” the two-year-old son of Johanna Sandstrom, of Sweden, was renamed “Kelvin” after a tattoo artist inked the wrong name on her arm.
Sandstrom’s tattoo read: Nova & Kelvin which was clearly a mistake.
“I had never heard the name ‘Kelvin’ before,” she said. “There isn’t anyone who names their kid Kelvin; lots of people name their kids Fahrenheit or Celsius, but never Kelvin. So when I thought more about it, I realized that no one else has this name. It became unique. Now we think it is better than Kevin.”
It also seemed a lucky stroke for Sandstrom’s daughter, whose name was changed from Ass-faced Hag to Nova, following the erroneous tattoo.
When asked to explain the mistake, the Swedish tattoo artist simply said, “in my previous job I wrote the assembly instructions for Ikea products; I was bound to screw this up incomprehensibly.”
Sandstrom told the newspaper she’ll make sure to check “10,000 times” before she gets the name of her third child, Freja, tattooed.
“Or maybe I’ll just get a skull with a snake slithering through it’s eye socket,” she added, “it’s 50/50 right now.”
This was supposed to read, Freja.
Pompeii man found to be luckiest man in the world to have ever lived.
via Luckiest man in Pompeii loses head as he wins the local big money lottery — Bull of the Board
Is your car making a funny sound? Does it give off a bad smell? Ask Mr. Car Person for help, and as soon as he gets the grease off his hands, he’ll type out an answer to your question. Dear Mr. Car Person– My husband “Carl” is a certified public accountant, which as you probably […]
Time is a mysterious force that affects all of our lives, even if we can’t see it, touch it, or feel it. Sometimes it moves very fast–we have hardly dropped our credit card payment in the mail when another bill arrives!–while other times it moves slowly, like when we’re at High School Awards Night waiting for our […]
Time is a mysterious force that affects all of our lives, even if we can’t see it, touch it, or feel it. Sometimes it moves very fast–we have hardly dropped our credit card payment in the mail when another bill arrives!–while other times it moves slowly, like when we’re at High School Awards Night waiting for our […]
idiotpruf 