North East, PA–It seems the ban of all mythological creatures from Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill in the town of North East, Pennsylvania has been lifted by new management.
The ban was implemented after a series of disturbing incidents involving Yeti, The Skunk Ape, a unicorn named Sparkles, a bevy of mischievous leprechauns, and local resident, Bigfoot.
The series of events culminated when one the patrons, an individual known as Poe, was found in the parking lot severely beaten and covered with giant footprints.
Todd Luke, the new manager of Speed’eez explained the ban’s reversal, “Sure, Bigfoot is loud, smelly, he tips with tree bark, he plays nothing but Steve Perry solo stuff on the jukebox, his hair gets into everything, and he’s probably responsible for the recent outbreak of Lyme Disease, but Poe’s a dick.”
It was originally believed the assault on Poe was precipitated by Poe’s constant reference to an embarrassing infestation that Bigfoot may or may not have had.
“I don’t have genital chiggers,” Bigfoot responded.
However, it has come to light there may have been another reason for the severe beating: Bigfoot believed Poe was making inappropriate advances toward his wife, Lady Bigfoot.
“It’s a completely ridiculous accusation,” Poe said. “While I will admit I’m attracted to extremely tall, hair covered women and that a pre-historic ape-like creature with rudimentary speech skills seem like the type of woman, some might say the only type of woman, who would date me; absolutely nothing untoward happened.”
“We shared a plate of Buffalo Wings and tree grubs once, that’s all there was to it,” Lady Bigfoot explained. “He’s not my type: he doesn’t smell like pinecones and his forehead doesn’t protrude nearly enough.”
She paused momentarily before adding, “and he’s kind of a dick.”
Despite the past tensions, it seems all is back to normal at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill.
“I’m glad we were able to get this all straightened out,” Poe said as he began to scratch his groin. “Hey, what do genital chiggers feel like?”