what the hell else are you gonna do with your time?

Archive for the tag “alcohol”

Mad Dog 20/20: The Greatest Invention Ever

invention symbol

When you’re having a reflective moment and you’re pondering the greatest invention in human history, what springs to mind?

Is it fire, the wheel, the combustion engine, that little plastic thing that keeps the top your pizza from being smeared all over the box–all very important.

Perhaps it’s the written word. (Although that’s certainly not reflected here.)

You probably think it’s an advancement in medicine or technology.

Wrong! The answer is Mad Dog 20/20.

I know what you’re thinking: why am I wasting precious moments of a finite lifetime reading a bunch of drivel written by a person who is clearly unstable and who probably spent far too much of his youth eating paste and crayons.

Wrong Again! I still eat paste and crayons.

I’m going to provide five specific reasons for my assertion that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

Reason #1

It’s not just wine–it’s a flavored fortified wine.

It’s fortified!

Fortified wines have a higher alcohol content than regular sissy wines.

Anything with the word fort in it is inherently superior to anything without the word fort in it.


Fort Worth, Texas: thriving metropolis populated with the highest caliber of people.

Worth, Illinois: total shithole filled with mimes.

Enough said.

Reason #2

If you’re anything like me (my sympathies if you are) you are dazzled by things that are bright and shiny. Mad Dog 20/20 is available in a myriad of brightly colored flavors. There’s so many brilliant colors it’s dizzying. (And if you’re into to dizziness: consuming Mad Dog 20/20 can help you with that too.)

md 20/20

It’s dizzying.

Reason #3

The medical applications of Mad Dog 20/20 are many.

  • It’s practically a cure for not having liver disease.
  • Too many pesky brain cells: Mad Dog 20/20 is the solution.
  • It makes your vomit glow in the dark–how cool is that?
  • It makes you vomit: vomiting cleanses the body and entertains your friends.
  • It makes your urine glow in the dark. You’d be surprised how often that comes in handy.
  • It’s a memory suppressor: even if you drink a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20, and you do something crazy and stupid, you won’t remember it. (However, the authorities may remind you of what you’ve done.)

Reason #4

Applications apart from drinking it.

  • Self defense: it can be used to blind an attacker.
  • As an adhesive: as one of the stickiest substances known to man, it can be used as a glue.
  • Entomology: it can be used to attract bees, ants, or hobos.
  • As a repellent: it repels wombats, musk oxen, and The French.
  • Monetarily: it’s used as currency in the best federal prisons.
  • Status: if you keep Mad Dog 20/20 on display in your home, people will know your classy.

Reason #5

Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown of Westfield, NY. It’s a wonderful small village in western New York that has produced many brilliant people…and me.

It’s surprising the word fort isn’t in the name of the village. Strictly speaking, somebody dropped the ball on that.

I think at this point you probably agree with me that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

So drink up.

Westfield ny

Many brilliant people.

Addendum: my apologies to the citizens of Worth, Illinois, I’m sure you’re fine people.



How can drinking lead to good health? That’s a question that Peter Tompkins, MD, has an answer for. “Most drinkers are deficient in Vitamin D, which comes from sunlight,” says Dr. Tompkins. “That’s why the city of Erie’s Block Parties are good. Instead of drinking in a dark bar, you can have your booze and […]

via Thursday Block Parties a Great Way for Alcoholics to Get Sunshine, says Doctor — gooferie

Let Me Explain

let me explain

This was an actual conversation I witnessed between a co-worker and a supervisor and the thoughts I had as I listened to the conversation.

It was our first week on a temporary job and my co-worker was keen to be hired in full time. So keen that he felt the need to explain in detail why he had called off the previous Friday.

Co-worker: I wanted to explain why I had to call off on Friday.

Supervisor: Okay.

Co-worker: I was in jail.

Me thinking: Oh no, don’t tell him that.

Co-worker: But it wasn’t my fault. My buddy got pulled over for running a stop sign and the cop took both our licenses. I just happened to have a warrant out for my arrest.

Me Thinking: You just happened to have a warrant out for your arrest?

Supervisor: You just happened to have a warrant out for your arrest?

Co-worker: It was from like, four years ago. I still owed money on a fine.

Me thinking: Don’t tell him why you were arrested.

Co-worker: It was for cocaine possession.


Co-worker: But I don’t use illegal drugs anymore…

Me thinking: The first non-damaging thing you’ve said.

Co-worker: …very often.

Me thinking: Of course.

Co-worker: In fact, out of all the times I’ve been in jail, that’s the first time I didn’t know somebody in there.

Me thinking: Seriously? Why would you tell him that?

Supervisor: It sounds like you had a rough weekend.

Co-worker: Yeah. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t get hammered on the weekend.

Me thinking: He couldn’t possibly make this worse.

Co-worker: At least I didn’t get (at this point he crudely described being raped by another man) by a big guy named Bubba.

Me thinking: I stand corrected.

Co-worker: And they took all the cash I had and put it toward what I owed on the fine. I’ve had to bum smokes off everyone today…I mean cigarettes–not weed.

Me thinking: Good catch, that’ll save the day.

Supervisor: Well, try to stay out of trouble next weekend.

A few minutes later on the job.

Co-worker: I think that went really well.

Me: Really? You think that went well?

Co-worker: People appreciate honesty?

Me: I certainly appreciated it.

Two months later.

The co-worker was brought on full-time–I was not.

A few weeks later.

The co-worker arrived at work drunk out of his mind, fell asleep on the job, and was fired.

The moral to this little story: people are stupid and they suck.

drunk person

“I’m ready for work.”

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: