idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “satire”

15 Jan 2023
2 Comments

PennDOT Confirms Using Explosives to Fix Road

Pennsylvania pot holes

This stretch of road seems oddly smooth.

Erie, Pennsylvania–Officials from PennDOT have confirmed the explosions heard emanating from the Route 5 area of North East, Pennsylvania was, in fact, a road crew working on a stretch of the road between the towns of North East and Harborcreek.

The road crew was employing dynamite to blow a gaping hole in the road, remedying the fact that there wasn’t already a gaping hole in the road.

A PennDOT official had been traveling along Route 5 when he realized there was a stretch of road nearly 50 yards long without any potholes. “I was driving along when I realized the familiar rumbling and shaking from traversing Pennsylvania roadways had stopped for several seconds…it was very disconcerting.”

The stretch of roadway fell far below PennDOT standards, requiring at least 39% of any 100-foot stretch of Pennsylvania roadway to contain potholes, debris, drunken hobos, or strategically placed orange cones that guide motorists into a pond.

Upon discovering the problem, PennDOT moved with the efficiency and swiftness for which it is renowned and dispatched a road crew within a year and a half.

“Sure, we could have put small holes throughout that stretch of road, but that’s a lot of work,” the foreman of the road crew said. “We decided to go with one big hole in the middle.”

“Blowing **** up is fun,” one of the crew members, Ron, “eight fingers,” Smith commented.

The section of Route 5 in question is now almost entirely impassable, bringing it into accordance with PennDOT standards.

PennDOT suggests if you find yourself traveling along this stretch of road, take care to follow the detour signs and orange cones–they lead you into a pond.

PennDot road crew

“I told you we should have used dynamite.”

Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
02 Jan 2023
6 Comments

2023 and a Bongo Antelope

I’ve decided to start the new year out on a positive note. I want to set the tone for the next twelve months as we begin this fresh trip around the sun. (Sorry flat Earthers.)

I believe I’ve come up with the perfect way to christen the year 2023: a plan to destroy my worst enemy.

You may think that’s not starting the year out on a positive note–it’s positive for me!

My plan is nearly perfect; all I need are four honey badgers, a bucket of semi-rotted boysenberries, five sheets of 60-grain sandpaper, an ostrich egg, one pack of double-sided tape, a small number of dung balls gathered by Egyptian dung beetles, yak vomit–copious amounts, a calligraphy pen with parchment, a bongo antelope, and two double cheeseburgers with bacon.

You may think this list is long and ridiculous, but the two double cheeseburgers with bacon have nothing to do with the plan to destroy my worst enemy–formulating a plan to destroy your worst enemy really works up an appetite.

I have run into one small hitch with my plan: it seems bongo antelopes are hard to come by; some nonsense about them being endangered.

I tried the Buffalo zoo, but they don’t even have a bongo antelope…why even have a zoo!

The Bronx zoo does have a bongo antelope, but they were very noncommittal about letting me rent it.

When Trish at the Bronx zoo answers the phone and says: how may I help you–those are just empty words; she doesn’t really want to help you.

It was suggested to me that I substitute the bongo antelope with a deer, which are everywhere where I live in Jamestown, New York. There was one literally taking a crap in my backyard the other day.

I want you to read the following sentences and decide for yourself which one is better.

  1. And then he was kicked in the nuts by a deer.
  2. And then he was kicked in the nuts by a bongo antelope.

See what I mean?

A major factor in any plan to destroy your worst enemy is the ability to tell and retell the story in the most humorous and humiliating way possible.

I’m going to keep working on this problem because I am a responsible and mentally stable person, regardless of what Trish at the Bronx zoo thinks.

I will keep you posted on my progress.

bongo antelope
Bongo antelopes: the perfect animal to kick your worst enemy in the nuts.
Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , ,
13 Dec 2022
2 Comments

You’ve Got Nothing on Me, Rudolph

reindeeer with glowing antlers

“You’ve got nothing on me, Rudolph.”

In what is being hailed as the technological breakthrough of the century, a group of Finnish scientists have created a new breed of radioactive reindeer.

The Finnish are often referred to as the technological juggernauts of the world. 

“We are the technological juggernauts of the world,” one of the leading Finnish researchers, Johannes Korhonen, brashly stated at a recent press conference.

It seems the Finnish have developed a new breed of radioactive reindeer they claim will revolutionize the world.

The following is an interview with Dr. Korhonen.

Interviewer:  Tell us, why radioactive reindeer?

Dr. Korhonen: Frankly, we just got sick of inducing cancer in lab rats, I mean, we’ve absolutely done that to death. So, we decided to move on to something bigger.

Interviewer: That’s a pretty big jump from lab rats to reindeer.

Dr. Korhonen: It is. At first, we tried it with badgers, but those things are freaking crazy. A bunch of them got loose, knocked over one of the researchers, chewed his ears off, and ran away with them.

Interviewer: Wow.

Dr. Korhonen: Then they came back and taunted him.

Interviewer: That’s horrible.

Dr. Korhonen: Indeed. They’d already taken his ears–there was no need to say those horrible things about his mother.

Interviewer: The badgers can talk?

Dr. Korhonen: Of course not.

Interviewer: Then how did you know they were saying things about his mother?

Dr. Korhonen: It was in their smug body language.

Interviewer: Okay? I’m just curious, why do you consider this to be an advancement that will revolutionize the world?

Dr. Korhonen: Are you serious? We have practically developed a cure for not being radioactive.

Interviewer: Is not being radioactive a big problem?

Dr. Korhonen: Not anymore. Did you know that due to their glowing antlers, the incidents of reindeer being struck by motorists, have greatly decreased over the past year?

Interviewer: But what about the increase in incidents of Finnish motorists screaming, “what the hell is that?” and careening off the road?

Dr. Korhonen: One problem at a time. You know, it was the Finnish that invented Angry Birds.

Interviewer: I know, it was a very popular game.

Dr. Korhonen: Not the game. We have genetically altered flocks of ordinary birds and made them very aggressive and angry; they’ll crap on you just for the fun of it and then they’ll peck your eyes out.

Interviewer: And how could that possibly be useful?

Dr. Korhonen: Did I mention their crap is radioactive?

Interviewer: I‘m starting to think you’re just nuts.

Dr. Korhonen: When you’re the technological juggernauts of the world you don’t have to explain yourselves to dullard interviewers such as yourself.

The interview then ended abruptly when a pack of frenzied badgers poured into the room and attacked Dr. Korhonen. After several moments of wild chittering and gnashing of teeth, the badgers swarmed out of the room, leaving Dr. Korhonen in a bloody earless heap. 

Moments later, they returned to room and mocked him. At least it seemed that way from their smug body language.

 

hans gruber idiotprufs

Dr. Johannes Korhonen, he looks vaguely like that guy from Die Hard.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
05 Dec 2022
2 Comments

Your Children are Loud, Sticky, and Gross

bratty child

Your child in one of her calmer moments.

Your children are loud, sticky, and gross.

So don’t vilify me just because I don’t want to hear your children, see them, smell them, or be in their general vicinity. And I certainly don’t want to touch them–unnecessary and unwanted touching is precisely how the Black Plague proliferated. Flea-infested diseased riddled rats have taken the blame for far too long–it was filthy little children like yours.

And don’t try to tell me I should treasure your children’s presence because all children are precious. So is uranium and I don’t want to be around that.

Let’s Compare: it causes weakness, fatigue, fainting, and confusion. Bleeding from the nose, mouth, gums, and rectum. Bruising, skin burns, open sores on the skin, and sloughing of skin. Dehydration. Diarrhea and bloody stool. Fever. Hair loss. Nausea and vomiting. Organ failure and even death.

Uranium causes many of those same things.

Uranium, however, doesn’t scream like a psychotic brat at the top of its lungs because you didn’t give it an extra piece of fudge–uranium knows it’s already had enough and so should its mother.

So you and your precious children: just leave me be.

Addendum: If you believe there is the tiniest shred of a chance this post is referring to you and your children–it is!

uranium

If you need someone to watch your uranium or your children–I’ll take the uranium.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
12 Nov 2022
4 Comments

Experts


expertOurs is a nation whose shores are teeming with experts. They are vital to our existence. We could barely function on a daily basis if not for these titans of knowledge, and purveyors of wisdom.

We know these things because it’s what they tell us.

We expect our experts to tell us much, and much they tell us:

  • They tell us what to do.
  • They tell us what not to do.
  • They tell us what to think.
  • They tell us what not to think.
  • They tell us where we should go.
  • They tell us where we shouldn’t go.
  • They tell us not to be long-winded.
  • But they use a lot of words to tell us.
  • They tell us not to be abrupt.
  • But they say it very abruptly.
  • They tell us not to make things too complicated.
  • They tell us not to make things too simple.
  • They tell us how simple it is to not make things complicated.
  • But they tell us in way that’s really complicated.
  • They tell us what to say.
  • They tell us what not to say.
  • They tell us not to pronounce the T in the word often.
  • But when they tell us, they pronounce the T in the word often.
  • And they do it often.
  • They tell us not to interrupt people.
  • But they interrupt to tell us.
  • They tell us what to write.
  • They tell us what not to write.
  • They tell us not to end a sentence with a preposition.
  • But you can end a sentence with the word preposition.
  • You can do it twice in a row.
  • They tell us what to eat.
  • They tell us what not to eat.
  • They tell us how long to boil an egg.
  • They tell us how long not boil an egg.
  • Don’t boil eggs–poach them!
  • Stop! Eggs are bad for you.
  • Now they’re not.
  • Now they are again.
  • Now they’re not again, as long as you don’t put salt on them; salt is very bad for you.
  • Now salt isn’t bad for you.
  • Now it is again.
  • They tell us not be contradictory.
  • They tell us not to be smug.
  • But they’re really smug about it.
  • They tell us what to read.
  • They tell us what not to read.
  • Starting with seemingly endless and annoying lists.
  • They tell us how to feel.
  • They tell us how not to feel.
  • When we feel miserable, they tell us why we feel miserable.
  • When we don’t feel miserable, they tell us why we should feel miserable.
  • When we feel happy, they knock some sense into us, so we can get back to the business of feeling miserable.
  • They tell us what to do to avoid death.
  • When we do what they say and die anyway, they tell our relatives why it wasn’t their fault.
  • And they demonstrate to us the importance of employing high-powered lawyers, in the event that some people actually follow their advice.

If not for the tireless work of experts, how many of us would still be living under the dark veil of happiness.

It must be exhausting being an expert.

If you should happen to see an expert on the street today, be sure to stop and give them a heartfelt thank you.

If you don’t know how to properly give a heartful thank you: ask the expert, they’ll know.Dilbert. point haired boss

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
05 Oct 2022
3 Comments

The True and Accurate Historical Story of Limburger Cheese

limburger cheese

The delightful aroma of feet.

There is one salient fact about Limburger cheese: it is just awful. The only time I would need Limburger cheese, would be if I needed something that smelled like death and the smell from my giant pile of opossum crap just wasn’t enough.

Did you know the bacterium used to ferment Limburger cheese is the same bacterium that is responsible for body odor, and in particular, foot odor?

If you’ve ever smelled Limberger cheese, you had your suspicions.

Limburger cheese was first created in the Duchy of Limburg in the 19th century by a man who had just come home from a hard day of cheese making. He had unbuckled and removed his boots and was attempting to enjoy a meal with his wife when he and his wife got into an argument that changed the history of cheese making forever.

Wife: What is that horrendous smell?

Cheesemaker: Ooh, we’re having stoofvlees, I love stoofvlees.

Wife: It’s the most putrid smell I have ever encountered.

Cheesemaker: I don’t smell anything. Pass the ale.

Wife: I think it’s your feet.

Cheesemaker: Seriously. Pass the ale.

Wife: It’s rancorous.

Cheesemaker: It’s not that bad.

Wife: It is that bad. There are people retching on the other side of the Demer River.

Cheesemaker: Do you know what this conversation isn’t doing? It isn’t remedying the fact that I have no ale.

Wife: Your feet smell worse than that giant pile of opossum crap you have behind the house.

Cheesemaker: I’ll get my own ale.

Wife: Why do you even have a giant pile of opossum crap?

Cheesemaker: I’ll tell you why, (he pauses to take a slug of ale) because someday you’ll be in desperate need of copious amounts of opossum crap, and you’ll be glad it’s there.

Wife: I’ve thought the same thing about you, but it still hasn’t happened. Besides, it’s the worst smell in the world.

Cheesemaker: Nonsense. It’s not the worst smell in the world. In fact, I’ll bet that I could make a cheese that smells worse.

Wife: I doubt it.

Cheesemaker: You’ll see; it will become my mission.

Wife: Shut up and drink your ale.

And drink his ale he did.

And succeed he did–beyond his wildest ale-fueled dreams.

Of course, his wife left him and his giant pile of opossum crap.

The Duchy of Limburg is now divided by modern-day Germany, the Netherlands, and Belgium. None of the three countries wanted it: it reeked of Limburger cheese and developed a huge opossum problem.

Addendum: there are historians who will tell you certain items in this story aren’t factual–historians suck.

opossum

The aroma of their crap is delightful.

Posted in Cheese, funny, History, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
22 Sep 2022
8 Comments

Does a Bee Sting in the Penis Hurt?

bee sting

“You want me to sting you where now?”

A million-dollar National Science Foundation grant was given to Cornell University so a researcher could force bees to sting him on his penis to find out how much it hurts.

Let that sink in.

The idea was inspired by an unfortunate situation when a honeybee flew up Michael Smith’s shorts and stung him. “I was really surprised that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would,” he said. The experience got him thinking: where is the most painful place on the body to get stung by a bee?

Oddly, it didn’t get him thinking about his choice of shorts when bike riding, or his strange proclivity for rubbing flower pollen on his inner thighs before he goes bike riding.

Note: the bee found the whole experience to be horrifying. “I was just buzzing along, very busy as we’re known to be, when suddenly I was all up in this dude’s junk,” the bee said.  

With the financial support from a National Science Foundation (NSF) Graduate Research Fellowship grant to Cornell University, Smith forced honeybees to sting more than 25 locations on his body from the face to the genitals. He then rated the pain caused by each of the stings on a scale of “Ouch” to “Holy Crap, What Have I Done.”

To compel a bee to sting, it was grabbed by the wings and pressed against the desired sting location.

Note: the million-dollar research grant pales in comparison to the multi-million-dollar lawsuit filed by the bees who were “compelled” to sting Michael Smith in the penis.   

bee sting research

One million dollars being spent.

The least painful locations to be stung by a bee for Michael Smith were the skull, middle toe tip, the upper arm, and in the face of some guy who happened to walk into the room at the wrong time.

The most painful places to be stung for Michael Smith were the nostril, upper lip, and the genitals.

Note: shockingly, being stung in the genitals does hurt.

Also painful for Michael Smith was the broken nose that resulted when the guy who got stung when he happened to walk into the room at the wrong time, punched him in the face.

Michael originally had his eyeball on the list of body parts to be stung but was talked out of it by his advisor Tom Seeley.

Note: I think it’s safe to say, despite the advice about the eyeball, as an advisor, Tom Seeley has failed Michael Smith miserably.  

Michael concedes this study is limited by its low sample size: one person, himself.

“It is possible that if other people were tested, they would not rank the painfulness of the stings in the same way or perceive pain similarly by location. It is also possible a female researcher may rate being stung in her penis or scrotum very differently,” Michael stated.

Did I mention how miserably Michael Smith’s advisor failed him?  

In case you’re wondering, these methods do not conflict with the Helsinki Declaration, which is a set of ethical principles for research involving human subjects developed by the World Medical Association.

In an “unrelated” experiment, researchers from Brown University set out to see if they could convince some moron from Cornell to compel bees to repeatedly sting him in the penis.

Helsinki is looking into it.

Addendum:

The assertion that Michael Smith rubs flower pollen on his inner thighs before he goes bike riding is purely speculation on my part…but he probably does.

bee sting penis

I think I see where Michael Smith went wrong.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
13 Sep 2022
4 Comments

Stupid Mimes

I robbed a bunch of mimes at knifepoint and got away with it.

Actually, I was only miming having a knife, but they fell for it.

In fact, I was miming holding a carrot, but they couldn’t tell the difference.

I wasn’t even going to use the mimed carrot–I’m a very nonviolent person at heart.

Unfortunately, they could only mime giving me their wallets, evidently, mimes don’t like to carry cash.

So, I took their berets and their last wisps of dignity.

I robbed a bunch of mimes of their berets and their last wisps of dignity, and I got away with it.

When the police asked them what happened–none of them talked.

Stupid mimes.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,
25 Aug 2022
6 Comments

Erie Tourism to Address Issues

Erie, Pa.—Ned Weedly, director of the Erie County Board of Tourism, has released a statement regarding disturbing trends affecting tourism in Erie County.

To be addressed are a fix for the high-water problem at Presque Isle, the lack of parking in downtown Erie, the slight rise of toxins in Lake Erie fish, and the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals.

“We are actively working to find a solution to the high-water issue at Presque Isle, and we’ve added two new parking lots in the downtown area,” Mr. Weedly stated emphatically. “The toxin issue in Lake Erie fish is something all the communities that rest on the shores of Lake Erie are looking into, and finally, the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are patently false…Sure, somebody gets eaten occasionally, but it doesn’t happen every day; you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals.”

When it was pointed out to Mr. Weedly that the last person to be struck by lightning in Erie County was then eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals that had dragged his body from a local golf course, Mr. Weedly indicated that anyone stupid enough to play golf in a lightning storm in an area known to be frequented by roving bands of inbred cannibals is just asking to be eaten.

“Let’s be frank,” Mr. Weedly added, “most of the people who get eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are slow and dimwitted. Sometimes, they’re just plain old.”

Asked to answer if he couldn’t see how the threat of being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals might deter tourism, he had the following response: “I’d say the good outweighs the bad: visit our wonderful beaches at Presque Isle, try your hand at lady luck at the casino, or stop by one of our many fantastic wineries. Sure, you may be eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals. Still, you’re far more likely to be taken out by the flesh-eating bacteria in our water supply.”

Mr. Weedly then took the opportunity to unveil the new Erie County tourism slogan: Come to Erie County; There’s Not as Many Roving Bands of Inbred Cannibals as You’d Think!

erie pa
Presque Isle: only the slow and dimwitted get eaten.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
23 Aug 2022
2 Comments

You’re so Superior

I was reading an article about the trend of people marrying themselves.

The article details how the people who marry themselves find it a truly empowering and liberating act.

It explained that even though it isn’t legal to marry yourself, people are having symbolic ceremonies with all the trimmings of a traditional wedding.

You’re probably thinking marrying yourself is the act of a weird, delusional, and self-absorbed person.

You’re thinking it’s an act of desperation by a person who’s had a complete break from reality.

Maybe you think it’s just a twisted and elaborate plan to get a wedding cake.

Shame on you!

I’ll bet you’re one of those judgmental types.

I’ll bet you think the only difference between marrying yourself and being completely and hopelessly alone is absolutely nothing.

You simpleton.

You’re probably one of those backward people who also thinks it’s weird when people eat urinal cakes.

Urinal cakes are minty, crunchy, goodness; they wouldn’t put cake in the name if they weren’t delicious.

You probably think it’s abnormal for a person to keep hundreds of pet banana slugs and name them after Dickens characters.

Mr. Pumblechook is the best friend I’ve ever had; he’s plump and yellow and perfect. Banana slugs are very good listeners; they almost never interrupt.

I’ll bet you’re one of those super self-righteous people who think it’s wrong to be a cannibal.

You probably think it’s “icky” to eat another person.

You dullard.

I’m not saying that I’m a cannibal (mostly for legal purposes), but wouldn’t it be nice to have the option.

You’re so superior: you’ve probably never spent a quiet afternoon licking toads and staring directly into the sun.

You haven’t lived until you’ve spent a quiet afternoon licking toads and staring directly into the sun.

Sure, you may have functional eyesight and undamaged taste buds, but at what cost.

I don’t care what you think; I am going to marry myself.

Mr. Pumblechook will be my best man, and after the ceremony, we’re going to sit around eating urinal cakes, licking toads, and staring directly into the sun.

And you’re not invited, weirdo.

Mr. Pumblechook always gives the best advice.
Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,

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