You’ve Got Nothing on Me, Rudolph
In what is being hailed as the technological breakthrough of the century, a group of Finnish scientists have created a new breed of radioactive reindeer.
The Finnish are often referred to as the technological juggernauts of the world.
“We are the technological juggernauts of the world,” one of the leading Finnish researchers, Johannes Korhonen, brashly stated at a recent press conference.
It seems the Finnish have developed a new breed of radioactive reindeer they claim will revolutionize the world.
The following is an interview with Dr. Korhonen.
Interviewer: Tell us, why radioactive reindeer?
Dr. Korhonen: Frankly, we just got sick of inducing cancer in lab rats, I mean, we’ve absolutely done that to death. So, we decided to move on to something bigger.
Interviewer: That’s a pretty big jump from lab rats to reindeer.
Dr. Korhonen: It is. At first, we tried it with badgers, but those things are freaking crazy. A bunch of them got loose, knocked over one of the researchers, chewed his ears off, and ran away with them.
Dr. Korhonen: Then they came back and taunted him.
Interviewer: That’s horrible.
Dr. Korhonen: Indeed. They’d already taken his ears–there was no need to say those horrible things about his mother.
Interviewer: The badgers can talk?
Dr. Korhonen: Of course not.
Interviewer: Then how did you know they were saying things about his mother?
Dr. Korhonen: It was in their smug body language.
Interviewer: Okay? I’m just curious, why do you consider this to be an advancement that will revolutionize the world?
Dr. Korhonen: Are you serious? We have practically developed a cure for not being radioactive.
Interviewer: Is not being radioactive a big problem?
Dr. Korhonen: Not anymore. Did you know that due to their glowing antlers, the incidents of reindeer being struck by motorists, have greatly decreased over the past year?
Interviewer: But what about the increase in incidents of Finnish motorists screaming, “what the hell is that?” and careening off the road?
Dr. Korhonen: One problem at a time. You know, it was the Finnish that invented Angry Birds.
Interviewer: I know, it was a very popular game.
Dr. Korhonen: Not the game. We have genetically altered flocks of ordinary birds and made them very aggressive and angry; they’ll crap on you just for the fun of it and then they’ll peck your eyes out.
Interviewer: And how could that possibly be useful?
Dr. Korhonen: Did I mention their crap is radioactive?
Interviewer: I‘m starting to think you’re just nuts.
Dr. Korhonen: When you’re the technological juggernauts of the world you don’t have to explain yourselves to dullard interviewers such as yourself.
The interview then ended abruptly when a pack of frenzied badgers poured into the room and attacked Dr. Korhonen. After several moments of wild chittering and gnashing of teeth, the badgers swarmed out of the room, leaving Dr. Korhonen in a bloody earless heap.
Moments later, they returned to room and mocked him. At least it seemed that way from their smug body language.
I knew badgers were evil
Always have been–always will be.
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