idiotpruf

I’m So Confused

I’ve been experiencing a great deal of confusion of late.

If I’m being honest, my normal state of being is confusion, but it seems I’m more confused than normal.

I’m in need of some clarification. I need somebody to explain things to me.

It seems I can’t say anything anymore without it being construed as offensive.

All I said to her was, “if you were a banana slug, you’d have the prettiest slime trail,” and she got all in a huff as if that isn’t a huge compliment.

Anybody that knows anything about banana slugs, knows that it’s all about the slime trail.

If you’re a banana slug, you can be yellow and gooey and have great antennae, but if you don’t have a good slime trail, you’ve got nothing.

It’s practically common knowledge!

Had I said, “if you were a rat, you’d have the beadiest eyes,” I could understand it possibly being taken the wrong way.

Or had my comment been, “if you were a tick, you’d have the most bulbous blood sack,” maybe that could be misconstrued.

I mean, they’re both still compliments, but at least I could understand it.

What are you supposed to say?

I imagine I could have said something about her flaxen hair or her beautiful eyes or her lovely warm smile.

What a trite load of crap that is; does any woman want to hear that type of jibber-jabber?

I’m beginning to think I should just stop talking to women altogether.

I don’t know what the norm is for being blasted in the face with pepper spray, I’m guessing 3 to 4 times a week. I would definitely like to get down to that number.

Pepper spray really burns.

I’d also like to minimize the number of times I get kicked in the groin.

And if a person is already rolling around on the ground because you’ve just kicked them in the groin, there is absolutely no need to then blast them in the face with pepper spray…it’s just overkill.

I think I’ll just stop talking to people altogether–it’s the only way to be safe.