idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the month “August, 2022”

Physically Fit to be Tied–And a Bit Older

image credit: TMZ

(image credit: TMZ)

“Are you physically fit?” bellowed the man on the television screen as he jabbed a muscular finger in my direction.

“I don’t know,” I exclaimed, a bit startled by the suddenness of the question.

“Are you physically fit?” he persisted. This man was loud, muscle bound, and so deeply tanned that where ever he was, he must have been near the surface of the sun.

“You’re getting older,” he continued.

I am getting older, I thought, nearly every day.

“Do you even know what it means to be physically fit?”

I had to admit that I really didn’t.

“Of course you don’t know what it means, you’re a tiny pathetic weed of a man.”

I still didn’t know what it meant, was a little insulted, but wished that someone would tell me.

“Well I’m going to tell you.” He seemed to be reading my mind. “Physical fitness is the ability of the body to function with vigor and alertness, and with ample energy to engage in leisure activities. Endurance and cardio respiratory integrity are the overt signs of physical fitness.

Well this was absolutely no help at all.

My body functions with vigor and alertness, in as much as I seldom fall asleep when I don’t want to. I have endurance; I can run over one-hundred feet before the searing pain in my side renders me unconscious. As far as cardio respiratory integrity goes, my heart’s been beating for my entire life and hasn’t stopped yet, how much more integrity do you need?

Ample energy for leisure activities? Any activity that requires an amount of energy that can be characterized as ample, isn’t leisurely at all.

Here are a few activities that I don’t consider leisurely: running, jogging, speed walking, walking normally over long distances, walking slowly up an incline, lifting heavy objects, carrying heavy objects, lifting then subsequently carrying heavy objects, rock climbing. Rocks should never be climbed, if you’re trying to get somewhere and there is a rock in the way, go around it or blow it up. Why do think Alfred Nobel invented dynamite? They didn’t name that award after him because he wasted his time scrabbling up and down rocks.

It was at this point that the man on the screen began doing squat-thrusts. There has never been a time in the history of mankind that it was necessary to do a squat-thrust.

I decided to change the channel. Eventually I found a man reclined in a hammock, sipping a drink through a straw as waves washed a sun soaked beach in the background.

Now that’s a leisurely activity; one for which I have ample energy.

idiotpruf

Goofy has the idea.
(image source: wondersofdisney.com)

Erie Tourism to Address Issues

Erie, Pa.—Ned Weedly, director of the Erie County Board of Tourism, has released a statement regarding certain disturbing trends affecting tourism in Erie County.

To be addressed are a fix for the high-water problem at Presque Isle, the lack of parking in downtown Erie, the slight rise of toxins in Lake Erie fish, and the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals.

“We are actively working to find a solution to the high-water issue at Presque Isle and we’ve added two new parking lots in the downtown area,” Mr. Weedly stated emphatically. “The toxin issue in Lake Erie fish is something all the communities that rest on the shores of Lake Erie are looking into and finally, the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are patently false…I mean, sure, occasionally somebody gets eaten, but it doesn’t happen every day; you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than to be eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals.”

When it was pointed out to Mr. Weedly that the last person to be struck by lightning in Erie County was then eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals that had dragged his body from a local golf course, Mr. Weedly indicated that anyone stupid enough to play golf in a lightning storm in an area known to be frequented by roving bands of inbred cannibals, is just asking to be eaten.

“Let’s be frank,” Mr. Weedly added, “most of the people who get eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are slow and dimwitted. Sometimes, they’re just plain old.”

Asked to answer if he couldn’t see how the threat of being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals might deter tourism, he had the following response: “I’d say the good outweighs the bad: visit our wonderful beaches at Presque Isle, try your hand at lady luck at the casino, or stop by one of our many fantastic wineries. Sure, you may be eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals, but honestly, you’re far more likely to be taken out by the flesh-eating bacteria in our water supply.”

Mr. Weedly then took the opportunity to unveil the new Erie County tourism slogan: Come to Erie County; There’s Not as Many Roving Bands of Inbred Cannibals as You’d Think!

erie pa
Presque Isle: only the slow and dimwitted get eaten.

You’re so Superior

I was reading an article about the trend of people marrying themselves.

The article detailed how the people who marry themselves, find it a truly empowering and liberating act.

It explained that even though it isn’t legal to marry yourself, people are having symbolic ceremonies with all trimmings of a traditional wedding.

You’re probably thinking marrying yourself is the act of a weird, delusional, and self-absorbed person.

You’re thinking it’s an act of desperation by person who’s had a complete break from reality.

Maybe you think it’s just a twisted and elaborate plan to get wedding cake.

Shame on you!

I’ll bet you’re one of those judgmental types.

I’ll bet you think the only difference is between marrying yourself and being completely and hopelessly alone is absolutely nothing.

You simpleton.

You’re probably one of those backwards people who also thinks it’s weird when people eat urinal cakes.

Urinal cakes are minty, crunchy, goodness; they wouldn’t put cake in the name if they weren’t delicious.

You probably think it’s abnormal for a person to keep hundreds of pet banana slugs and name them after Dickens characters.

Mr. Pumblechook is the best friend I’ve ever had; he’s plump and yellow and perfect. Banana slugs are very good listeners; they almost never interrupt.

I’ll bet you’re one of those super self-righteous people who think it’s wrong to be a cannibal.

You probably think it’s “icky” to eat another person.

You dullard.

I’m not saying that I’m a cannibal, (mostly for legal purposes) but wouldn’t it be nice to have the option.

You’re so superior: you’ve probably never spent a quiet afternoon licking toads and staring directly into the sun.

You’ve haven’t lived until you’ve spent a quiet afternoon licking toads and staring directly into the sun.

Sure, you may functional eyesight and undamaged taste buds, but at what cost.

I don’t care what you think; I am going to marry myself.

Mr. Pumblechook will be my best man and after the ceremony we’re going sit around eating urinal cakes, licking toads, and staring directly into the sun.

And you’re not invited, weirdo.

Mr. Pumblechook always gives the best advice.

Builder of Straw Houses Furious

“It’s given the whole straw house industry a bad name,” Cyril Tottering the proprietor of Tottering Straw Homes Inc. complained.

It seems Mr. Tottering’s business has taken quite a financial hit since the story of the Three Little Pigs has gotten out.

“Those pigs are blatant liars,” Mr. Tottering asserted, “you can’t just huff and puff and blow down one of my straw houses.”

“He came around trying to sell me one of those crappy straw houses,” the third little pig told us. “I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those things. My brother, the first little pig, kept bragging about how cheap his house was…look where that got him.”

“My straw houses pass rigorous testing,” Mr. Tottering asserted.

“I guess none of that ‘rigorous testing’ involved a lit match,” the third little pig responded.

“We could ask the wolf what really happened, but evidently the pigs boiled him in oil,” Mr. Tottering stated. “That hardly seems like trustworthy behavior.” 

“If you come down someone’s chimney uninvited, boiled in oil is what you’re gonna get,” the third little pig said. “We’re not just going to allow ourselves to be eaten–not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.”

“What does that even mean: the hairs on our chinny chin chins? It pisses me off every time they say that.”

Mr. Tottering went on to tell us how he and a Mr. Dennis Flimsy owner of Flimsy Stick Homes Inc. are combining to launch a defamation lawsuit against the three little pigs.

“I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those stick houses either,” the third little pig chuckled. “Tottering and Flimsy: pretty aptly described if you ask me.”

“Those are our names!” Mr. Tottering yelled in exasperation.

“It seemed like a really good deal at the time,” the first little pig explained.

“Who would think wolves have such lung capacity,” the second little pig added.

“Our brother said that thing about his dung pile again, didn’t he?” the first little pig asked disgustedly.

“Yeah,” the second little pig said in conclusion, “he’s kind of a dick about that big brick house of his.”

Monkeys, Shakespeare, and Me

monkey

The authors of this blog?

I’m sure you’ve heard of the Infinite Monkey Theorem. It states the following:

If you’re having a child’s birthday party, don’t hire a clown, or a pony, or a big sweaty guy in a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. Get a monkey in a cowboy hat on a unicycle; your children will have infinitely more fun.

I’m joking, that’s not really the Infinite Monkey Theorem. (But seriously, go with the monkey in the cowboy hat.)

Wikipedia describes the Infinite Monkey Theorem this way:

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. In fact, the monkey would almost surely type every possible finite text an infinite number of times. However, the probability that monkeys filling the observable universe would type a complete work such as Shakespeare’s Hamlet is so tiny that the chance of it occurring during a period of time hundreds of thousands of orders of magnitude longer than the age of the universe is extremely low (but technically not zero).

So, I acquired a couple of monkeys, (don’t ask how, it involved unsavory behavior and a yak) I gave them a couple of typewriters and let them go nuts. I wanted to see if there was anything to this Infinite Monkey Theorem. Plus, monkeys are fun.

We got off to a rocky start: there was some feces hurling and some disturbingly lengthy (and quite frankly, hurtful) obscene gesturing, but eventually they got to work.

While they didn’t reproduce any of the works of Shakespeare, they did type the phrase: Hamlet smells of cheese and Denmark multiple times.

Then something bizarre happened: the monkeys began to reproduce most of the contents of this blog and in shockingly less time than it took me to produce it. They even corrected some of my grammar errors.

And these weren’t the smart type of monkeys that do sign language; these were the type of monkeys eat their own poop and smoke cigarettes and one of them was really drunk at the time.

They rewrote several Curious George books, except every book ended with George violently attacking The Man with the Yellow Hat.

Then they started writing limericks about me that were really filthy.

After that they peed on the typewriters and mocked me with their superior verb tense usage.

It was all very disheartening.

I think I’m going to read Hamlet and pretend it was written by a drunken monkey.

Better yet, I’m going to read Curious George books and pretend they were written by a drunken Shakespeare.

Addendum: the monkeys rewrote this post too and it was better than this crappy version.

hamlet

Don’t hire a guy dressed up like Hamlet for a child’s birthday party either–they smell like cheese and Denmark.

Sick and Tired

glaring look

“What’s wrong with you?”

I am sick and tired of people who think they are better than me.

People who think they are better than me just because they don’t eat crayons–there’s no law against eating crayons.

Do you know what all serial killers have in common: they don’t eat crayons. They occasionally eat people, but never crayons. Would you prefer I went around murdering people and eating them? I’ll bet you would, because you’re all judgmental that way.

I’m sick and tired of people who think they are better than me just because they’ve never slapped a mime in the face–there’s no law against slapping mimes in the face.

Okay, there is a law against slapping mimes in the face–but there shouldn’t be! When did this country become the type of fascist police state where you can’t slap a mime in the face?

I’m fed up with those of you who think you’re so superior just because you’ve never licked a toad then urinated on a police car. Police cars are inanimate objects: they don’t care if you urinate on them.

The police officer gets a little angry when you urinate on him.

It makes the toad furious.

And so what if I like to spend my evenings skulking in a dimly lit room, chugging bottles of Orange Jubilee Mad Dog 20/20, eating from a 64 pack of Crayola Crayons, with the B-52’s greatest hits blaring at full volume on the stereo as I fingerpaint pictures of giraffes and other even toed ungulates on the walls.

Sometimes I do it dressed up like a rodeo clown.

There’s nothing weird about any of that…except for listening to the B-52’s–I shouldn’t do that.

Think about this: if I didn’t do weird and unspeakable things this blog wouldn’t even exist.

I should probably stop.

mad dog 20/20

Perfectly paired with Crayola brand dandelion crayons.

Something is a Bit Off

feeling ill I’m not feeling right.

Something is a bit off.

I seem to be suffering from some mysterious medical condition.

The symptoms are myriad:

  • Nausea.
  • Runny nose.
  • Headaches in my stomach.
  • Stomach aches in my head.
  • Squirrels steal my mail and replace it with half eaten nuts.
  • Everything smells like fear.
  • Everything tastes like pinecones.
  • Pinecones taste like pickled beets (but they smell like fear).
  • Old Magilla Gorilla cartoons make me weep uncontrollably.
  • I have a rash on my butt in the shape of Wolf Blitzer’s face.
  • I have a rash on my face in the shape of Wolf Blitzer’s butt.
  • My left eyeball pops out of its socket at really inconvenient times.
  • Itchy scalp.
  • Dizziness.
  • Chills.
  • Tremors.
  • Tremors 2.
  • Any movie involving giant mutant worms.
  • Sleeplessness.
  • Sleeplessness from incontinence.
  • Sleeplessness from continents, especially Europe.
  • Sleeplessness because Elvis’ ghost visits me nightly and gripes endlessly about how Mary Tyler Moore Hogged all the screen time in Change of Habit.
  • The compulsion to make ridiculous lists.
  • Paranoia.

In my quest for answers, I’ve read several books authored by a world renown doctor.

Unfortunately, upon reading these books, I’ve discovered them to be no help at all. Not only did these books not reveal any insights regarding my condition, but I also now have an incredible craving for green eggs and ham, and an intense desire to write in poetic meter.

This is bad.

It’s very bad–So very bad, you see.

“Egad it’s so very bad,” I said to me.

It’s sad when things are bad,

would you not agree?

I would be so glad to not be sad.

I’d be a happy lad, so full of glee,

and live so happily.

Do you see how infuriating that is?

After doing some follow-up research, I’ve found the author of these books, Theodore Seuss Geisel, to be a complete fraud, and not a medical professional of any kind.

Note: in another shocking turn of events, I’ve discovered the renowned author and childcare expert, Dr. Spock, wasn’t really a Vulcan. When will the misinformation and subterfuge end?

doctor spock vulcan

Dr. Spock was born in New Haven, Connecticut. Frankly, that’s not even close to Vulcan.

 

But this spurred an epiphany: my condition has been caused by stress and anxiety; the stress and anxiety that results from living a lie.

A horrible lie.

A horrible horrible lie.

Horrible!

I have written in the past about a certain tattoo. A tattoo on my left butt cheek. A tattoo of Winnie the Pooh with his head stuck in a honey pot. I’ve referenced it often.

It’s a lie.

I haven’t any tattoos of lovable cartoons charters on or around my buttocks.

I apologize to anyone my lies may have hurt.

I apologize to A. A. Milne.

I feel so ashamed.

Hopefully now that the truth is out, the healing can begin.

Thank you for your patience.

ADDENDUM:

Sometimes when Elvis’ ghost visits me, he brings me peanut butter and banana sandwiches. They taste like pinecones and they smell like fear.

horton hears a who

Horton can hear a Who, but he can’t help you diagnose the cause of your explosive diarrhea.

The World’s Most Dangerous Animal?

I recently saw the following statement in a meme:

The Most Dangerous Animal in the World…

Is a Smiling Woman Sitting in Silence.

Wrong!

It’s this freaking thing:

scary fish

“Come in the water, it’s nice.”

Amanda the Lizard: Another Fable

Fable

It was a pleasant summer day and Ned the tree frog was hopping across the forest floor on his way to the creek.

What a perfect day to spend at the creek, he thought to himself, but I hope there’s no lizards at the creek; I don’t care for lizards.

He happened upon Tobias the toad.

“How are things today,” Ned the tree frog asked of Tobias the toad.

“Things are well on this pleasant summer day,” Tobias the toad replied. “I’m on my to creek for this is a perfect day to spend at the creek.”

“That is just what I was thinking,” Ned the tree frog agreed.

“I just hope there’s no lizards there,” Tobias the toad added, “I don’t care for lizards.”

“You and I think so much alike,” Ned the tree frog exclaimed.

“It’s probably because we’re both amphibians,” Tobias the toad said.

And so they hopped together toward the creek.

As they reached the creek, they were horrified to find Amanda the lizard, basking in the sun in the disgusting way that lizards do.

“Please don’t eat us,” Tobias the toad said to Amanda the lizard.

“Why would I do that,” Amanda the lizard responded quizzically.

“Lizards eat amphibians–that’s what lizards do,” Tobias the toad responded matter-of-factly.

“Don’t worry about that,” Amanda the Lizard told them, “I’ve had a change of lifestyle; I now self-identify as an amphibian…and besides, toads are disgusting.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Tobias the toad replied indignantly.

“Your skin is all leathery and covered with warts: it’s disgusting.”

“That’s a hurtful thing to say,” Tobias the toad said feeling very triggered.

“And you’re really sour–it’s quite off-putting.”

“It’s a defense mechanism,” Tobias the toad told her.

“Well, it works because I threw-up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about eating you,” Amanda the lizard continued.

“Okay we get it!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“Tree frogs on the other hand are tasty little morsels, but don’t worry I won’t eat you.” she assured Ned the tree frog.

Ned the tree frog, Tobias the toad tried to settle down to enjoy a pleasant summer day at the creek, but it was difficult.

Ned the tree frog was feeling uneasy about potentially being eaten and Tobias the toad was feeling insecure about his warty toad skin.

After a bit of time, Ron the tree frog came down from one of the trees. Ron the tree frog was widely known about the forest as a major ass-hat.

“Well, if it isn’t Ned the “supposed” tree frog,” Ron the tree frog said snidely.

“There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with toads,” Ned the tree frog said, “they’re amphibians too.”

“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with it, if you want to get covered in warts and that weird toad smell.”

“It’s a defense mechanism!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“More like an offense mechanism because the smell is offensive,” Ron the tree frog said as he laughed.

“Why don’t you just leave us alone?” Ned the tree frog said dejectedly.

“Because I hate you,” Ron the tree frog said. “And another thing…”

With a lightning quick flick of her tongue and a few muted chomping sounds, Ron the tree frog had disappeared down Amanda the lizard’s throat.

“Holy crap!” Tobias the toad exclaimed to Amanda the lizard, “you just ate Ron the tree frog!”

“He was being an ass-hat,” Amanda the lizard said in defense.

So, the three of them settled down and enjoyed the rest of that pleasant summer day in peace, only interrupted once by Amanda the lizard regurgitating Ron the tree frogs undigested bones.

Moral

If you’re a tasty little morsel–don’t be an ass-hat.

“Don’t be an ass-hat.”

Ned the Tree Frog: A Fable


tree frog

The Fable

Ned was a tree frog who lived in a bush.

All the other tree frogs lived in big trees in the forest, but Ned had a fear of heights.

One day Ned was hopping around the forest floor when he bumped into Patty the tree frog and her boyfriend, Dirk the tree frog.

Ned had long fancied Patty the tree frog; she had big bulbous orange eyes and her skin was especially slimy and green.

“We’re having a party up in our tree tonight,” Patty told Ned, “why don’t you come?”

“He won’t come to a party in the tree,” Dirk said snidely, “Ned doesn’t like to be in the trees and our tree is the tallest tree in the forest.”

“It’s called acrophobia,” Ned defended himself, “and it’s an officially recognized fear by American Psychiatric Association, Dirk.”

“You really need to grow a pair,” Patty told Ned.

“I’m a tree frog,” Ned told Patty, “that means my genitalia consists of two interior testicles and spermatic canal. I have a pair; you just can’t see them because they’re inside my body.”

“We all have a spermatic canal, Ned,” Dirk snarked.

You’re a spermatic canal, Ned thought but could bring himself to say.

“Ned would rather stay down here on the ground like a common toad.,” Dirk told Patty in the snide way a tree frog who was a spermatic canal might.

“Some of my best friends are toads,” Ned told them.

At that Dirk and Patty laughed at Ned and hopped away to have their party.

Suddenly Ned felt very sad and very alone.

That night Ned sat in his bush with some of his toad friends and listened to the laughter and frivolity happening in the tree above.

Then one of Ned’s toad friends suggested they some gasoline and burn that tree to the ground.

And that’s what they did.

The other tree frogs never made fun of Ned again.

Moral

Don’t be a spermatic canal or your tree might get burned to the ground.

Also, don’t mess with toads.

tree on fire

What happens when you’re a spermatic canal.

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