Alright … let’s see if I can get my writing mojo back. It seems to have wandered off somewhere. I passed a greasy spot in the middle of the road on the way to work this morning, but I was afraid to look at it too closely for fear that it might be the remnants […]
Yes. Bigfoot made this list.
As always, these are all real search engine terms from my stats page, rewritten exactly the way I found them, followed by a quick comment from myself.
why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it You put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.
how to get wifes feet to stink like cheese I found 36 different combinations with the words: wife, feet, stink and cheese. Thank you Freshly Pressed for making my blog a foot fetish destination.
sexy man riding a unicorn images The poster on my bedroom wall, right next to my poster of Shaun Cassidy.
construction worker thumbs up thumbs up One fifth of The Village People, really happy really happy.
mooning kilt Aren’t all kilts for mooning?
my children’s story keep getting rejected Your story, Little Billy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines, was a little disturbing.
childrens story limburger cheese This one sucked too.
tom cruise is an idiot I am very honored that Nicole Kidman visited my blog.
how many idiot are in the church of scientology One less since Nicole left Tom.
cukes Exactly.
katie holmes open mouth Katie, stunned that I didn’t use her name for those jokes.
cartoon vomit on guy The disastrous result of my prom date with Olive Oyl.
dental phobia funny jokes There is nothing funny about dental phobias.
“pulled all his teeth” See!
pi alamode 3.14 pieces of pie with ice cream on top.
bug eyed black guy Dynomite! (If you get that reference, you’re old.)
bad guidance counselor of the year The guidance counselor who advised this guy.
His pay is all the honey he can eat.
Bug mac More gross than a Big Mac, but slightly more nutritious.
Why you should start smoking Because emphysema is fun to say.
a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in south bend, indiana Man, those priests at Notre Dame are strict.
best reasons for kids to start smoking If a monkey can do it, it’s got to be fun.
tinkerbell playing football The reason Disneyland’s football team sucks.
mcdonalds fries and rats All I want is the rat, but they push the fries on me anyway.
snooki rhyme satire Much better that Snooki Haiku.
limerick about idiots But not as good as the limericks about Snooki.
cartoon boxers Much more comfortable than cartoon briefs.
bee angry angry bee happy redd bee One of Dr. Seuss’ lesser known works.
a vicious cartoon bear Boo Boo finally got sick of Yogi’s crap.
instrument for digging holes Really?
bigfoot smokes pot So do you if you don’t know what a shovel is called.
job interview stoned Not a good idea unless you’re applying to be Justin Bieber’s pilot.
justin biebers shrunken face The name of Selena Gomez’ memoirs.
boy band with clown Aren’t they all?
list of things that gets bulls angry Bull-riders, rodeo clowns, matadors, and boy bands. (It should be noted, the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands, especially badgers.)
permanent cure for athletes foot A hacksaw, a tourniquet, and a peg leg.
self-medication criteria in ungulates Just don’t put their medication in child proof bottles; they have a horrible time opening them with their hoofed feet.
self medicating before family gatherings Before…during…after.
stuff you never want to hear from a new neighbor Hi, you probably recognize me from the Jersey Shore.
facts about bigfoot They love Jack Links beef jerky, but they hate Jack Links Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials.
Sasquatch in the woods That too.
facts about mermaids They all have crabs. (As pets. What did you think I meant?)
can an idiot ride a unicorn Only if he’s a mythological idiot.
my summer story pictures Even the search term sounds boring.
girl tooth fairy girl green disney channel ??????
squat comedy I should be able to think of something funny for this, I just can’t.
lady gaga costume designer Also her butcher.
pee electricity words wisdom The first and last time you will ever see those words together.
cartoon cows behind an electric fence Are you sure that fence is electrified.
my penis hit an electric fence The worst possible way to check if a fence is electrified.
funny surprised face Your face two seconds after your penis touched that fence.
hysterical laughter cartoon Your friends two seconds after your penis touched that fence.
“Whoa, his face really has shrunken.”
Rural Pennsylvania Roads: still idyllic in 2022.
From the outset of this post, I want to make to make one point abundantly and unmistakably clear: I am not making this up. (Apologies to Dave Barry.)
In 1910 there was an organization in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania called The Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania, and they really hated automobiles.
They complained automobiles traveled too fast, frightened their livestock, ran over their chickens, and that Pennsylvania motorists were inexplicably unable to properly use a turn signal.
Note: I did make up the part about the turn signal, the Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania didn’t say anything about the turn signal…but I’m saying it!
The point was: The Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania really hated automobiles, almost as much as I hate mimes, other people’s children, and any TV show with the words the real housewives of in the title.
They developed a set of guidelines for automobiles operating in rural areas of Pennsylvania:
Isn’t that Awesome?
Admittedly, they had very little to say about the fact that automobiles don’t leave horse shit everywhere, but no system is perfect.
I leave you with a photo of the offender.
I think I see the problem: automobiles in 1910 were operated by small children dressed for safari.
A simple lever: evidently too complicated for some people.
It’s time to address a persistent and growing problem I’ve noticed here in Erie County in the great commonwealth of Pennsylvania: the improper use or complete disregard by motorists for the turn signal.
Note: you probably thought I was going to address the roving bands of inbred cannibals we have here in Erie County. I find that problem to be slightly less pressing.
Using a turn signal is relatively simple: if you’re turning right, flick the little lever up. If you’re turning left, flick the little lever down. There’s almost no thinking involved.
Note: if you have ever observed motorists in Erie, Pennsylvania, you’d understand that thinking is not at all a part of the driving process.
There are no complex instructions. You don’t have to fit Peg Q into Slot W, even though you can’t find any Peg Q and there’s no hole where Slot W is supposed to be (those jerks at Ikea know exactly what they’re doing.)
You don’t have to solve for X; there are no mathematical equations involved. You aren’t going to miss your turn because you forgot to multiply before you added; in fact, you will almost never use PEMDAS while making a turn.
You don’t have to diagram a sentence before you use your turn signal. Your thought process when making a turn should never be this:
I’m going to make a left turn. Okay, the word left modifies the word turn so that makes it an adjective right? Unless the word turn is a verb in that context. No, I think it’s a noun. However, If I were to say “I going to turn left,” then the word turn would be a verb…I think. It doesn’t matter, I missed the turn a mile back. In which case the word turn is definitely a noun. Probably.
This isn’t Sophie’s Choice. If you use the right turn signal, Nazis aren’t going to abduct the left turn signal. So go right ahead and use that signal without fear of repercussion.
Do you know when you shouldn’t use your turn signal? When you’re not making a turn! If you’re one of those people who drives for miles with your turn signal inexplicable blinking, you deserve to be mocked and beaten.
And if you’re one of those motorists who turns on your turn signal in the midst of making the turn, you’ve completely missed the point. We need to know what you’re going to do before you do it. You see, we already know you’re an idiot, we just don’t know how big of an idiot. It would be a bit like putting on the condom when you’re “already making the turn” if you know what I mean.
I hope this post has been helpful and informative, and if you are among the turn signal offenders, sufficiently shaming.
So simple even an inbred cannibal can do it.
In August of 1976, Tom Miller of the United States, spent 4 days, 23 hours, 47 minutes, and 3 seconds, pushing a peanut to the summit of Pike’s Peak, with his nose.
“Tom Miller can bite me.”
The authors of this blog?
I’m sure you’ve heard of the Infinite Monkey Theorem. It states the following:
If you’re having a child’s birthday party, don’t hire a clown, or a pony, or a big sweaty guy in a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. Get a monkey in a cowboy hat on a unicycle; your children will have infinitely more fun.
I’m joking, that’s not really the Infinite Monkey Theorem. (But seriously, go with the monkey in the cowboy hat.)
Wikipedia describes the Infinite Monkey Theorem this way:
The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. In fact, the monkey would almost surely type every possible finite text an infinite number of times. However, the probability that monkeys filling the observable universe would type a complete work such as Shakespeare’s Hamlet is so tiny that the chance of it occurring during a period of time hundreds of thousands of orders of magnitude longer than the age of the universe is extremely low (but technically not zero).
So, I acquired a couple of monkeys, (don’t ask how, it involved unsavory behavior and a yak) I gave them a couple of typewriters and let them go nuts. I wanted to see if there was anything to this Infinite Monkey Theorem. Plus, monkeys are fun.
We got off to a rocky start: there was some feces hurling and some disturbingly lengthy (and quite frankly, hurtful) obscene gesturing, but eventually they got to work.
While they didn’t reproduce any of the works of Shakespeare, they did type the phrase: Hamlet smells of cheese and Denmark multiple times.
Then something bizarre happened: the monkeys began to reproduce most of the contents of this blog and in shockingly less time than it took me to produce it. They even corrected some of my grammar errors.
And these weren’t the smart type of monkeys that do sign language; these were the type of monkeys eat their own poop and smoke cigarettes and one of them was really drunk at the time.
They rewrote several Curious George books, except every book ended with George violently attacking The Man with the Yellow Hat.
Then they started writing limericks about me that were really filthy.
After that they peed on the typewriters and mocked me with their superior verb tense usage.
It was all very disheartening.
I think I’m going to read Hamlet and pretend it was written by a drunken monkey.
Better yet, I’m going to read Curious George books and pretend they were written by a drunken Shakespeare.
Addendum: the monkeys rewrote this post too and it was better than this crappy version.
Don’t hire a guy dressed up like Hamlet for a child’s birthday party either–they smell like cheese and Denmark.
Princess and alleged frog groper.
Trouble is brewing in the Kingdom as allegations of unwanted advances have been leveled against the princess by a local frog.
“I was sitting here in the swamp next to husband when out of nowhere this giant blond tart grabs him and practically sticks her tongue down his throat,” the lady frog complained. “It was repulsive. And to make matters worse, after she gets done groping my husband, he turns into a prince. He used to be green, slimy, and lovely. Now he’s just huge, pink, and disgusting.”
“When the Wicked Witch turned me into a frog, it was the best thing that could have happened to me,” the Prince said, “People think being a prince is all wine and roses. Well, there are a lot of wine and roses, but there’s also a lot of headaches: the threat of assassination, diplomacy with other kingdoms is a nightmare, moat maintenance is a constant struggle, and there’s always the worry that at some point the peasants will realize how oppressed they are and revolt–when you’re a frog you don’t have to worry about angry mobs with pitchforks.” The Prince then leaned in and said in a hushed voice, “And that Princess is no picnic either.”
“Do you know how many frogs I had to kiss before I found the right one?” The Princess said in disgust. “Do you see this ugly sore on my upper lip, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of frog herpes.”
“Look at this worthless ineffectual tongue,” the Prince continued, “how am I supposed to catch flies with this thing? What I wouldn’t give for one blood filled mosquito right now.”
“Excuse me while I go vomit,” the Princess said as she left in disgust.
When contacted to see if she could turn the Prince back into a frog, the Wicked Witch replied, “I’m not freaking Oprah–I don’t just give things away. I do things to make people miserable and unhappy; it’s in the job title.”
“I tried to go back to the swamp, but it’s not the same,” the Prince lamented. “I’d known my wife since she was a tadpole, but now she wants nothing to do with me. I guess I’m stuck with the Princess. Did you see that gross sore on her upper lip? Yuck!”
Green, slimy, and lovely.
,
“Confectionery manufacturers have to realise this is 2019”, said Olly Chuzzlewitt, Student Union President of Much Craplock University (formally Much Craplock College of brick-laying and beauty studies). “They can no longer use terms like ‘midget’ as if we were back in Victorian times or being subjected to ‘The Greatest Showman’.” “This has to stop. Looking…
via Student Union bans the sweets ‘Midget Gems’ until they are renamed — The Daily Squabble
Monster.com has compiled a list of things not to say to your boss. Let’s take a look at their list:
I know–this list is ridiculous and useless.
I’ve made some subtle changes to the entries. Here’s what you really can’t say:
Do see how much more helpful this list is?
idiotpruf 