idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

An Idiot his Bucket and a list

list of buckets

So many buckets–I’d better make a list.

I was recently asked what’s on my bucket list.

I informed the person I didn’t have that many buckets, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t make a list of them. What am I: some kind of idiot?

I was informed that I am an idiot, and I clearly didn’t know what a bucket list was.

Note: it seems I was also confused about what a chamber pot is.

After having it explained to me what a bucket list is, and disturbingly what a chamber is, I got to work creating a bucket list.

An idiot’s Bucket List

  • Have a conversation with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from my eyes.
  • Go on a date with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from me eyes.
  • Have any interaction with any woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper from my eyes.
  • Go on a date with any woman.
  • Overcome my crippling fear of dates (not the dried fruit).
  • Overcome my crippling fear of dates (the dried fruit).
  • Purchase a Ronco food dehydrator, enabling me to produce my own dates. (The dried fruit, not the social interaction–that would be creepy.)
  • Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the name Lake Titicaca.
  • Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the word peninsula, (it reminds me of the word penis.)

Note: etymologists claim the word peninsula has no derivation from the word penis. I am skeptical–why are most peninsulas shaped like penises?

  • I’d like to dine in a restaurant where they know me, and there’s only a moderate chance my food will be spat in.
  • I want to go back to the days when I didn’t know what human saliva tastes like.
  • I want to ride a dolphin, but a porpoise will do.
  • I want to learn the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise.
  • I want to operate a boat without every other passenger on the boat fearing for their lives.
  • I want to stand on the Great Wall of China, turn to person next to me and declare, “let’s see the neighbor’s dog crap on my lawn now,” then laugh hysterically.
  • I want to finish the Eiffel Tower, but do a really crappy job.
  • I want to make a mime talk…and if at all possible, cry.
  • I want to write an opera in Italian.
  • I want to learn how to write in Italian.
  • I want to make the fat lady sing, or at least choose a more sensible diet.
  • I want to discover indisputable evidence that Bigfoot exists, then destroy it, so I’m the only one who really knows.
  • I want to come up with an idea that leads to world peace.
  • I want to amend the previous item on this list.
  • I want to come up with an idea that makes me filthy rich, and if the whole world peace thing also happens, that’s fine too…I guess.
  • I just want a bucket, but not to pee in, that’s a chamber pot.

    chamber pot

    A chamber pot: the perfect place to put this list.

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7 thoughts on “An Idiot his Bucket and a list

  1. Fun fact: there is no difference between dolphins and porpoises. It’s just a thing this marine biologist made up ages ago to impress a woman (you know, so she’d stop pepper spraying him) and it not only worked but got repeated by other marine biologists and now we’re stuck with it.

    Like

  2. If your food has been spat into by an attractive waitress, complain to her about it while holding the plate in front of you. The taste of pepper spray will mask the taste of saliva.

    Like

  3. I want to find a post like this, that makes me laugh, every day. 🙂 Cheers!

    Like

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