idiotpruf

An Idiot his Bucket and a list

So many buckets–I’d better make a list.

I was recently asked what’s on my bucket list.

I informed the person I didn’t have that many buckets, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t make a list of them. What am I: some kind of an idiot?

I was informed that I am an idiot, and I clearly didn’t know what a bucket list was.

Note: it seems I was also confused about what a chamber pot is.

After having it explained to me what a bucket list is, and disturbingly what a chamber pot is, I got to work creating a bucket list.

An idiot’s Bucket List

• Have a conversation with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from my eyes.
• Go on a date with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from me eyes.
• Have any interaction with any woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper from my eyes.
• Go on a date with any woman.
• Overcome my crippling fear of dates (not the dried fruit).
• Overcome my crippling fear of dates (the dried fruit).
• Purchase a Ronco food dehydrator, enabling me to produce my own dates. (The dried fruit, not the social interaction–that would be creepy.)
• Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the name Lake Titicaca.
• Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the word peninsula, (it reminds me of the word penis.)

Note: etymologists claim the word peninsula has no derivation from the word penis. I am skeptical–why are most peninsulas shaped like penises?

• I’d like to dine in a restaurant where they know me, and there’s only a moderate chance my food will be spat in.
• I want to go back to the days when I didn’t know what human saliva tastes like.
• I want to ride a dolphin, but a porpoise will do.
• I want to learn the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise.
• I want to operate a boat without every other passenger on the boat fearing for their lives.
• I want to stand on the Great Wall of China, turn to person next to me and declare, “let’s see the neighbor’s dog crap on my lawn now,” then laugh hysterically.
• I want to finish the Eiffel Tower, but do a really crappy job.
• I want to make a mime talk…and if at all possible, cry.
• I want to write an opera in Italian.
• I want to learn how to write in Italian.
• I want to make the fat lady sing, or at least choose a more sensible diet.
• I want to discover indisputable evidence that Bigfoot exists, then destroy it, so I’m the only one who really knows.
• I want to come up with an idea that leads to world peace.
• I want to amend the previous item on this list.
• I want to come up with an idea that makes me filthy rich, and if the whole world peace thing also happens, that’s fine too…I guess.
• I just want a bucket, but not to pee in, that’s a chamber pot.
  

  A chamber pot: the perfect place to put this list.