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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the month “February, 2019”

The World’s Ugliest Color and Fashionable Neckwear

brown green

The world’s ugliest color.

Pantone 448 C, a “drab, dark brown” also called “opaque couché,” was specifically selected as the ugliest color in the world after three months and multiple studies by research agency GfK, an agency hired by the Australian government.

Aren’t Australians awesome?

Finding the world’s ugliest color was a more difficult task than one might think; the researchers at GfK spent months analyzing color swatches, questioning focus groups, and arguing bitterly over the pronunciation of the word mauve.

“We were at a complete impasse,” one of the researchers commented, “then one of the custodian came in to empty the garbage cans. He looked up at Ted, one of the other researchers, and he said, ‘nice tie, that’s the ugliest color I’ve ever seen. It reminds me: I forgot to scrub the toilets,’ then he turned and walked out of the room. After closely inspecting Ted’s tie, we had our consensus.”

So pantone 448 C, also called “opaque couche,” or in some circles “Ted’s shit-tie color,” became regarded as the ugliest color in the world.

What fueled the Australian government’s desire to identify the world’s ugliest color?

Smokers–that’s what.

The meeting went something like this: well, we’ve put warning labels on the side of cigarette packs that warn of gingivitis, mouth sores, rotting teeth, mouth cancer, lung cancer, and bowel cancer. We’ve warned of death and penis shrinkage. We’ve put graphic photos of the victims of oral cancer with their jaws cut away and of amputated limbs on the cigarette packs and Australians are still smoking like a wet dingo on fire. What more can we do?

“I know.” came a voice from across the room, “let’s make the cigarette packs a really ugly color–that’ll stop them.” He then put a cigarette in his mouth and lit up.

And that’s how the world’s ugliest color was found.

Addendum: while it didn’t stop Australians from smoking it sent the sale of shit-colored ties through the roof.

ugly tie

“Screw you guys,” Ted was heard to say upon selection of the world’s ugliest color.

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A Healthy and Shiny Coat

coconut idiotprufs

The vile coconut.

Coconut makes me sick. If I bite into something with coconut in it, I will immediately begin to gag.

The mere smell of coconut makes me nauseous. In fact, anything coconut scented bothers me.

Am I telling  you this because I’m a whiny little crybaby?  A little bit, but I do have a point.

I was attempting to take a shower at my friend house.

Note: normally I don’t use real names in an effort to protect the innocent, but no one here is innocent.

I stood in his shower, surveying the menagerie of shampoo and hair conditioner bottles that littered the front of the tub. I had only one priority in choosing a shampoo: it mustn’t be coconut scented.

I spotted a small innocuous bottle of green shampoo set off to the side. Green shampoo is likely apple blossom scented, or green tea, possibly something herbal, but it certainly wouldn’t be coconut.

Without checking to see what it was, I confidently applied the shampoo to my hair and began to lather up.

The scent was odd, not at all what I expected. My scalp immediately began to tingle; it must be dandruff shampoo.

The tingling sensation transitioned to a burning sensation. The burning sensation spread to my eyes and nose, and there was a strange metallic taste in my mouth. It certainly wasn’t apple blossom.

As I started to rinse the shampoo from my hair, the burning intensified and it felt like I had gargled battery acid.

I grabbed the bottle to find out exactly what kind of poison I had been scrubbing into my scalp.

Flea and tick shampoo for dogs?

Are you kidding me?

The warning label instructed dog owners to wear gloves while applying the shampoo to their dogs, and to avoid making contact with skin.

Not only was the shampoo all over my skin, some of it had run down to the tender bits.

I grabbed a different bottle of shampoo, squeezed a copious amount into my hand, and began to aggressively slather it over my body.

A stark and sudden realization paralyzed me: coconut!

What insufferable madness is this?

The combination of pesticide and coconut made my stomach to flip like Nadia Comaneci in the 76 Olympics. I began to wretch like a cat hacking up a hairball; something Nadia Comaneci has probably never done.

It was horrible.

I was nauseous the remainder of the day, and everything I ate tasted like someone had sprayed Raid on it.

Lance would point out my hair to people and say, “doesn’t he have a healthy and shiny coat?” Then he would laugh hysterically.

Note: I told you no one was innocent.

“Don’t you read labels?” Lance’s girlfriend scolded.

“I sorry. I didn’t realize there would be a bottle of napalm in the shower,” I responded.

“Don’t be a baby,” she told me.  “I use that shampoo on the dog all the time and he never complains.”

I thought this criticism to be unfair. The dog also humps your leg, licks himself in indiscreet places, and eats his poop. I do almost none of those things.

Through it all, at least I know I’m virtually parasite free.

Note: Don’t worry, Henry my tapeworm is fine and doing well.

nadia comeneci, idiotprufs

Nadia scored a perfect 10; my stomach did not.

A Quick Truth About Groundhog Day

idiotprufs groundhog day punxsutawny phil

Phil and his throng of adoring fans.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day is a day when thousands of people gather in a small town in rural Pennsylvania to applaud a groundhog as a celebrity and a prognosticator, as they wait with bated breath for that groundhog to emerge from his hole and to notice or not notice his own shadow. It is a day of great pomp and circumstance.

The Other 364 days of the year
The other 364 days of the year, a groundhog is a giant rodent and poking its head from a hole would be cause for the same rural Pennsylvanians to reach for their 12-gauge.

groundhog phil

“Hey, where did the party go?”

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