I was recently asked what’s on my bucket list.
I informed the person I didn’t have that many buckets, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t make a list of them. What am I: some kind of idiot?
I was informed that I am an idiot, and I clearly didn’t know what a bucket list was.
Note: it seems I was also confused about what a chamber pot is.
After having it explained to me what a bucket list is, and disturbingly what a chamber is, I got to work creating a bucket list.
An idiot’s Bucket List
- Have a conversation with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from my eyes.
- Go on a date with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from me eyes.
- Have any interaction with any woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper from my eyes.
- Go on a date with any woman.
- Overcome my crippling fear of dates (not the dried fruit).
- Overcome my crippling fear of dates (the dried fruit).
- Purchase a Ronco food dehydrator, enabling me to produce my own dates. (The dried fruit, not the social interaction–that would be creepy.)
- Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the name Lake Titicaca.
- Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the word peninsula, (it reminds me of the word penis.)
Note: etymologists claim the word peninsula has no derivation from the word penis. I am skeptical–why are most peninsulas shaped like penises?
- I’d like to dine in a restaurant where they know me, and there’s only a moderate chance my food will be spat in.
- I want to go back to the days when I didn’t know what human saliva tastes like.
- I want to ride a dolphin, but a porpoise will do.
- I want to learn the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise.
- I want to operate a boat without every other passenger on the boat fearing for their lives.
- I want to stand on the Great Wall of China, turn to person next to me and declare, “let’s see the neighbor’s dog crap on my lawn now,” then laugh hysterically.
- I want to finish the Eiffel Tower, but do a really crappy job.
- I want to make a mime talk…and if at all possible, cry.
- I want to write an opera in Italian.
- I want to learn how to write in Italian.
- I want to make the fat lady sing, or at least choose a more sensible diet.
- I want to discover indisputable evidence that Bigfoot exists, then destroy it, so I’m the only one who really knows.
- I want to come up with an idea that leads to world peace.
- I want to amend the previous item on this list.
- I want to come up with an idea that makes me filthy rich, and if the whole world peace thing also happens, that’s fine too…I guess.
- I just want a bucket, but not to pee in, that’s a chamber pot.