In an experiment at MIT mice fed yogurt as compared to junk food developed luxuriantly thicker fur and bigger testicles that they projected outwards, giving them an air of “mouse swagger.” Scientific American It’s Friday night and, like every other mouse in the lab, I’m cruisin’ the scene–TGIF and all that. I reached […]
via TGIF With a Big-Balled Yogurt-Eating Mouse — Gerbil News Network
Do not let this Vogon read you his poetry.
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is quite clear on the point that Vogon poetry is the third worst in the universe:
“Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem “Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning” four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been “disappointed” by the poem’s reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled “My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles” when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings (Paul Neil Milne Johnstone) of Redbridge, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.”
It is my endeavor to make it the fourth worst poetry in the universe:
There happened a witch who lived on a hill,
of diminutive size, but enormously shrill.
Unpleasing her countenance: all icky and warts,
when wickedly she cackles, how it twists and contorts.
Her stench so loathsome like eggs and arm pit,
one whiff and you vomit in your mouth just a bit.
Small animals would flee, never again to be seen.
At least they weren’t trampled, as they well could have been.
Her sisters she’d gather, all cellulite and hate.
They would cackle and hiss and brag of the children they ate.
And eat they did much in their murky morass,
they had thick chunky thighs, like a hippo’s fat ass.
“We will taunt, we will curse, as well we see fit,
with toil and trouble and all that Shakespearean shit.”
Their husbands did cower in a deep and dank well,
for their wives weren’t just ugly, they’re mean as hell.
But for these poor ladies, all their efforts did fail.
In the end it’s the hero who will always prevail.
Now the creatures just hide in a dark and dank place,
chugging Coors Light and stuffing their face.
Does this tale have a moral, I don’t know it just might,
but probably not: I’m not very bright.
And now Vogon poetry is the fourth worst in the universe. Thank you.
Have a happy Towel Day and please:
According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered. “I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter […]
It’s good to see you’re reading.
Reading informs you, it improves your memory, it increases your analytical abilities, and it exercises your mind.
Reading is like doing a big pile of mental squat thrusts, without the searing pain in your side and the inevitable vomiting.
The ability to communicate through the written word is one of the most significant ways in which humans are separated from the lower primates.
It ranks just ahead of our ability to remove unwanted body hair, and just behind our general reluctance to settle disputes by scrabbling up a tree and hurling our feces.
Note: I feel I should point out that hurling feces can be a very effective tool in certain situations— I have a few aunts with uncanny accuracy.
Imagine some of the ways lacking the ability to read and write well can be detrimental to your happiness:
Did you know that Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England ate 36 cockroaches in one minute, to set the world record? Now you do because you have the ability to read.
Just moments ago, you probably had never heard of Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England. Now you possess a powerful bit of information.
A piece of information that can be used as a conversation starter, to jumpstart a dinner party that has hit a lull, or simply to amaze and impress your friends.
The next time you meet an attractive woman, but you’re unsure of how to break the ice; just bust out this little fact about Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England. If she doesn’t blast you in the face with pepper spray–you’re in.
Your ability to read and write has armed you with the tools you need to thrust forward in life with bold confidence. Rare will be the occasion you will need to rely upon scrabbling up a tree and hurling your feces to settle a dispute.
If Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England had spent a little more time reading, perhaps he wouldn’t have to shovel fistfuls of cockroaches into his mouth to get attention.
Ken Edwards, champion cockroach eater/ladies man.
My apologies to David Letterman.
I stumbled upon this post, one of the very first of this blog, from many years ago. Do you remember when the world was supposed to end?
In my previous post, I detailed my displeasure with the fact that the world didn’t come a cataclysmic end on December 21st. Not only did nothing cool happen, but even worse, I was forced to finish my Christmas shopping.
I’ve discovered after doing some exhaustive research (Google) there were a myriad of things the Mayans got wrong.
Top Ten Other Things The Mayans Got Wrong
10) Caddyshack 2 will be just as funny as Caddyshack.
9) A man named Isaac Newton will be resting under an apple tree when an apple will fall on his head. He will become so irate that he invents a machine that will be used to systematically destroy all apple trees, ridding the land of the scourge of falling apples.
8) Queen Anne is so taken with Newton’s apple tree destroying prowess, she has him knighted. Although a great honor, he is hampered by the fact that he can now only move two spaces forward and one space over on a chess board.
7) The common folk of 18th century England become so enraged that they can no longer obtain apples, they form a mob and throw Sir Isaac Newton over a cliff. On the way down he has a fleeting thought about something called gravity. Alas, it perishes with him.
6) Without the foundation of Newtonian physics to expand upon, Albert Einstein never leaves his job as a patent clerk. He does however patent the Sham-wow and he becomes filthy rich.
5) In the early 20th century a majestic ship called the Titanic is built, it traverses the seas for centuries. However, the movie Titanic, about a ship where nothing ever goes wrong, completely flops.
Note: The Mayans also go on and on about Siskel but say nothing at all about Ebert. Two thumbs down Mayans.
4) A man named J.R.R. Tolkien will write a few simple stories about some hobbits; nothing much will come of them.
3) A mighty force called the Cleveland Browns will arise. They will win many championships called Super Bowls. At about the same time, there will be a record cold snap in Hell.
2) The shoreline in a place called New Jersey, will become the epicenter for culture and wisdom in the western world. This will happen in the early 21st century and be a clear sign that the end is near.
1) Those Spaniards seem like nice fellows; nothing bad could ever come of our relationship with them.
Mighty warriors of the 21st century.
“What’s wrong with you?”
I am sick and tired of people who think they are better than me.
People who think they are better than me just because they don’t eat crayons–there’s no law against eating crayons.
Do you know what all serial killers have in common: they don’t eat crayons. They occasionally eat people, but never crayons. Would you prefer I went around murdering people and eating them? I’ll bet you would because you’re all judgmental that way.
I’m sick and tired of people who think they are better than me just because they’ve never slapped a mime in the face–there’s no law against slapping mimes in the face.
Okay, there is a law against slapping mimes in the face–but there shouldn’t be! When did this country become the type of fascist police state where you can’t slap a mime in the face?
I’m fed up with those of you who think you’re so superior just because you’ve never licked a toad and then urinated on a police car. Police cars are inanimate objects: they don’t care if you urinate on them.
The police officer gets a little angry when you urinate on him.
It makes the toad furious.
And so what if I like to spend my evenings skulking in a dimly lit room, chugging bottles of Orange Jubilee Mad Dog 20/20, eating from a 64 pack of Crayola Crayons, with the B-52’s greatest hits blaring at full volume on the stereo as I fingerpaint pictures of giraffes and other even-toed ungulates on the walls.
Sometimes I do it dressed up like a rodeo clown.
There’s nothing weird about any of that…except for listening to the B-52’s–I shouldn’t do that.
Think about this: if I didn’t do weird and unspeakable things this blog wouldn’t even exist.
I should probably stop.
Perfectly paired with Crayola brand dandelion crayons.
Something occurred to me the other day: I’ve never been bitten by a horse.
Although I had never contemplated the ramifications of being bitten by a horse, or the ramifications of not being bitten by a horse, my life suddenly seemed vacant and purposeless.
Is it possible I’m missing out on something due to my lack of an equine chomping experience?
I sought out information from a blog post about raising horses and it seemed to indicate that you really don’t want to be bitten by a horse.
Note: If you ever need information or entertainment of any type, always go to a blog first; blogs are written by highly intelligent individuals with perpetually minty fresh breath.
I found the following phrase:
But, what starts as cute and innocent nibbling on a sleeve can evolve quickly into ripped clothing, crunched fingers, bruises and teeth marks. So if you have a young horse, don’t allow it to explore you with its mouth.
Interesting advice.
Note: I was considering making a joke here about a girl I once dated, but I just recently got the last lawsuit cleared up.
I may be overthinking this entire horse biting thing, and overthinking things is not an activity to which I am prone.
I was bitten by a dog once and I have to admit: it wasn’t as enjoyable as you might think. I would even go as far as saying it was unpleasant.
I was almost bitten by a goat once. The goat didn’t actually come near me, but he a look of no-good in his eyes. It was unsettling.
I’m beginning to think I should put off any attempt to be bitten by a horse.
If through the course of a normal day’s activities I should happen to be bitten by horse, then fine, but for now, I won’t go looking for it.
I will keep you updated.
Mr. Ed: his comments are biting.
Did you know the Crayola company is retiring Dandelion from its 24 pack to make room for a new color?
I know!
Dandelion was the best tasting color in the 24 pack.
I mean, Carnation Pink is pretty good and Indigo is alright (although it’s a bit nutty for my taste) but they certainly don’t have the robust flavor of Dandelion.
Brown and Green are just disgusting and I don’t even know what Cerulean is.
Only weirdos eat Gray and I am no weirdo.
Violet-Red is edible, it’s definitely tastier than Red-Orange. But then you walk around all day with Violet-Red lips and you look like a tramp and I am no tramp.
I guess I’ll be forced to eat plain Yellow or maybe White–what a sad day.
Farewell sweet Dandelion.
Final Note: I wonder what color they will replace Dandelion with. I hope it’s not some shade of Purple; I hate Purple–Purple is so smug.
Back off Japanese scientists!
So I read the following statement on the internet:
Japanese Scientists discover when you pull off an earwig’s penis, another just pops back in its place.
Despite the infallibility of information found on the internet, I decided to find out if this is true.
Don’t worry–I didn’t pull any penises off any earwigs. Frankly, it seems like a really weird thing to do.
With all of the wonders in science and nature and the mysteries to unravel, why would a group of scientists spend their days pulling the penises off earwigs?
A group of scientists from Belgium attempted the same experiment with hippos. The results were varied: some of the scientists were trampled to death; others were simply maimed.
I found the following passage in The Japan Times:
Males have two, extremely long penises (sometimes longer than their bodies). The female has only one reproductive tract, but it is also very long, a convoluted tube. Sometimes during copulation, the male’s penis breaks off from his body and is lost inside the female. This is not as disastrous as it might be, because, Japanese research suggests, the male can simply use his spare penis.
Males have two, extremely long penises (sometimes longer than their bodies).
I think I’ve found my answer to why Japanese scientists are pulling the penises off earwigs: jealousy.
“Don’t even think about it; did you see what I did to those Belgian scientists?”
I felt it was time to re-post these beautiful and poignant words.
I wrote this during a period of deep personal healing…but mostly, I was drunk.
idiotpruf 