I was recently informed that French fries cause cancer in lab rats. I found this to be quite distressing; I don’t know how many times I’ve sat around all night with all of my lab rat friends and devoured buckets of French fries.
I was informed of this by a snarky little man. Unfortunately before I could glean any further information, our conversation was cut short by an unavoidable accident involving the side of his head and a plastic fork.
Note: in an unrelated matter, I have always felt there should be occasions when it’s legal to stab a person in the side of the head with a plastic fork. Unfortunately the law is far less progressive in its thinking than I am. Let’s get on this, Congress.
I decided to check this out for myself.
It turns out the weird little man was right…a weird little bit. A substance called acrylamide, which is found in fried foods, has been used to induce cancer in lab rats. Here’s the twist: to ingest the same amount of acrylamide that was injected into these lab rats, you would have to eat 346 large orders of McDonald’s fries everyday.
If you eat 346 large orders of large McDonald’s fries everyday, the list of medical and mental health professionals you deal with will be lengthy. You’re likely to hit coroner before you get to oncologist.
It also seems that these lab rats are bred to be susceptible to cancer. Something as slight as a simple change of diet can induce cancer in lab rats.
Note: In a similar study, scientists have discovered that lab rats that are whomped over the head with a brick, are more susceptible to concussions than lab rats that aren’t whomped over the head with a brick.
It has also been discovered every time a potato farmer in Idaho named Earl utters the word crap-shack, lab rats in Sweden immediately develop cancerous growths. The day he fell off his tractor and broke his tailbone, every lab rat in Sweden ballooned to the size of a cantaloupe.
After doing an extensive amount of research–making things up– I’ve come up with a list of things that cause cancer in lab rats.
- yellow cake uranium
- yellow cake with frosting
- strawberry shortcake
- Strawberry Shortcake the doll
- Guys and Dolls the musical
- Cats the musical
- pink flamingos
- pink the color
- Pink the singer
- Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon
- Floyd the barber
- barber shop quartets
- Justin Bieber’s smug little face
- face paint
- any subset of clowns
- Jersey Shore reruns
- Pauly Shore reruns
- Pauly Shore movies
- Bob Costas’ hair
- the word okie-dokie
- potato farmers named Earl
So the next time you think about telling me that French fries cause cancer in lab rats–pending action from Congress–you might just get stabbed in the side of the head with a plastic fork.
Correction: Justin Bieber’s smug little face does not cause cancer in lab rats; it kills them outright.
“Hey, you can’t pin cancer on me. High cholesterol: maybe. Obesity: yes. But not cancer.”