Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Sick and Tired

glaring look

“What’s wrong with you?”

I am sick and tired of people who think they are better than me.

People who think they are better than me just because they don’t eat crayons–there’s no law against eating crayons.

Do you know what all serial killers have in common: they don’t eat crayons. They occasionally eat people, but never crayons. Would you prefer I went around murdering people? I’ll bet you would, because you’re all judgy.

I’m sick and tired of people who think they are better than me just because they’ve never slapped a mime in the face–there’s no law against slapping mimes in the face.

Okay, there is a law against slapping mimes in the face–but there shouldn’t be! When did this country become the type of fascist police state where you can’t slap a mime in the face?

I’m fed up with those of you who think you’re so superior just because you’ve never licked a toad then urinated on a police car. Police cars are inanimate objects: they don’t care if you pee on them.

The police officer gets a little angry–the toad was furious.

And so what if I like to spend my evenings sitting in a dimly lit room, chugging bottles of Orange Jubilee Mad Dog 20/20, eating from a tub of mayonnaise, with the B-52’s greatest hits blaring at full volume on the stereo as I fingerpaint pictures of giraffes and other even toed ungulates on the walls. (Sometimes I do it dressed up like a rodeo clown.)

There’s nothing weird about any of that…except for listening to the B-52’s–I shouldn’t do that.

Think about this: if I didn’t do weird and unspeakable things this blog wouldn’t even exist.

You’re right–I should probably stop.

mad dog 20/20

Perfectly paired with Crayola brand dandelion crayons.


Single Post Navigation

14 thoughts on “Sick and Tired

  1. I think you should talk about your highly developed digestive tract. Crayons, toads, straight mayo and MD? I’d never get out of the bathroom


  2. I tried the crayon thing once! I’m waiting until they become flavored. I’m a B-52 cult follower, although I just left a cult. But the B-52’s let me do whatever the hell I want, like eating flavored crayons. Do they make those yet? I’m sure I can google it, but I’m busy writing this comment.


  3. I’m curious, do you shit rainbows after eating all the crayons? Because that might make it worth a try. 🙂


  4. I would definitely lay off the store-bought mayonnaise, if only because homemade is so much better. As for the rest, I see nothing wrong with your habits, which harm no one but you.

    No, mimes don’t count. They’re basically clowns, and as was established in the landmark case of Boppo v. Smythe, clowns are not people.


  5. Nothing wrong about B-52’s!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: