Read Well or Hurl Feces
It’s good to see you’re reading.
Reading informs you, it improves your memory, it increases your analytical abilities, and it exercises your mind.
Reading is like doing a big pile of mental squat thrusts, without the searing pain in your side and the inevitable vomiting.
The ability to communicate through the written word is one of the most significant ways in which humans are separated from the lower primates.
It ranks just ahead of our ability to remove unwanted body hair, and just behind our general reluctance to settle disputes by scrabbling up a tree and hurling our feces.
Note: I feel I should point out that hurling feces can be a very effective tool in certain situations— I have a few aunts with uncanny accuracy.
Imagine some of the ways lacking the ability to read and write well can be detrimental to your happiness:
- The annoying pile of traffic tickets that results because you think the stop sign reads: Floor It, Cowboy.
- The comic hilarity that is Marmaduke, is nothing more to you than a bunch of confused scribbles about a big clumsy dog.
- When you tell people you read Playboy for the articles, you’re only lying slightly if you can actually read.
- Instead of being vessels for whimsical Eastern wisdom, fortune cookies are just bits of baked crap.
- Limericks. What kind of life is it without the ability to read limericks?
- Rather than informative advertisements, billboards are giant mocking reminders of your inability.
- The ability to read the subtitles transforms French films from completely indecipherable to mostly indecipherable.
- Those embarrassing visits to the emergency room because you misread the words “do not” in the warning on a can of Raid, which reads: Do not spray directly into face.
Did you know that Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England ate 36 cockroaches in one minute, to set the world record? Now you do because you have the ability to read.
Just moments ago, you probably had never heard of Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England. Now you possess a powerful bit of information.
A piece of information that can be used as a conversation starter, to jumpstart a dinner party that has hit a lull, or simply to amaze and impress your friends.
The next time you meet an attractive woman, but you’re unsure of how to break the ice; just bust out this little fact about Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England. If she doesn’t blast you in the face with pepper spray–you’re in.
Your ability to read and write has armed you with the tools you need to thrust forward in life with bold confidence. Rare will be the occasion you will need to rely upon scrabbling up a tree and hurling your feces to settle a dispute.
If Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England had spent a little more time reading, perhaps he wouldn’t have to shovel fistfuls of cockroaches into his mouth to get attention.
Your list almost had me convinced I should stop reading… then I got to the bit about the limericks. (I already treat stop signs as suggestions—we call it a California roll.) But limericks? Can’t live without ’em!
I once met a man from Nantucket–the stories are true.
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You lied to me 😦 You said you liked my limericks. Now I can never trust you again.
You shouldn’t have trusted me in the first place.
My father made my siblings and I, No wait a second it was just me!, I was made to sit at the table and read the newspaper out loud until the section was perfectly pronounced and spoken properly! .. the others just flung crap at each other, I would of rather flung crap at my father! so it’s his fault I’m literate and was hooked on Nancy Drew and The Hardy boys at age 12!!!Damn Him!! Someone throw some crap at him…Please ??
“I would of rather flung crap at my father!”should be the title of your autobiography.
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Eating 36 cockroaches in one minute would also seem like a poor way of resolving a conflict, yet Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England would tell us otherwise, at least when it comes to setting world records.
It’s especially harrowing for the cockroaches.
Eating cockroaches. Um … yeah … so grateful I was able to read that. Crunch, crunch, crunch.
I’m here to serve.
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