idiotpruf

Caretaker Rick: Rat-Bastard

Rick is a sniveling greedy squinty-eyed rat bastard. The only remotely positive thing you can say about his existence is that it allows a person to employ the phrase, sniveling greedy squinty-eyed rat-bastard, which is fun to say, but difficult to work into casual conversation.

Rick is the type of person who enjoys lounging in his backyard as he hurls insults at squirrels. He also hurls rocks, but his aim is dreadful. Rick thinks squirrels are smug.

Rick is the type of person who rummages through the Goodwill box searching for a gift for his girlfriend’s birthday, and then replaces what he’s taken with empty beer cans, spent lottery tickets, and cigarette butts he’s scrounged from the floor of his jeep.

Rick is a thieving, untidy, chain-smoking, alcoholic, degenerate gambler.

Rick sucks.

Rick is the caretaker of The Shady Oak Pine Hill Cemetery For Dead People And For People Who Aren’t Quite Dead But Who Are Doing Poorly…Provided They Have The Means To Afford One of Our Premium Plots.

It was called Pine Hill Cemetery before Rick took over, but he felt the name needed some punching up.

Caretaker of a cemetery is a fortuitous job for Rick; the most amenable way to deal with Rick is as a dead person or at the very least, terminally ill. (Even those who ardently cling to life, gladly embrace death after one or two interactions with Rick.)

The thing about Rick is that he is almost completely stupid. If there is something stupid to be done: Rick does it. If there is something stupid to be said: Rick says it.

He is a walking human catastrophe from which you just can’t look away.

There are so many great stories about Rick to be told.

More to come.

“Screw you, Rick.”