idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “Horse”

Don’t Look in the Horse’s Mouth

It’s often said you should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I’m going to take it a step further: you shouldn’t look any horse in the mouth; horse mouths are gross.

Horse mouths are full of big ugly horse teeth, a bulbous ungainly horse tongue, and a whole wad of horse spit. It’s almost impossible for horses to properly floss because they have hooves and not opposable thumbs, so there’s all kinds of chewed up bits of crap in there.

It’s not a coincidence no language has coined the phrase: as lovely as a horse’s mouth.

I have recently read that since horses don’t have hands, they like to explore things with their mouths. You have no idea where that horse’s mouth has been. Just stop and think about all of the places you’ve put your hands. Disturbing, isn’t it?

It’s supposed to be a good thing when something comes straight from the horse’s mouth, but anything that has come straight form a horse’s mouth is going to be sticky and gross.

And sometimes horses bite.

Do you know a really good way to not be bitten by a horse?

Stop looking in its mouth!

When you think about it–it’s just rude. If somebody just sauntered up to you and started poking around on the inside of your mouth, you’d probably bite them too.

I know the point of the phrase is to not be critical of a gift, but if someone gives you a gift and it’s a horse’s mouth, go ahead and be critical.

What kind of a friend gives a gift that looks like this:

ugly horse's mouth

To Be or Not to Be–Bitten by a Horse

horse bite sign

Something occurred to me the other day: I’ve never been bitten by a horse.

Although I had never contemplated the ramifications of being bitten by a horse, or the ramifications of not being bitten by a horse, my life suddenly seemed vacant and purposeless.

Is it possible I’m missing out on something due to my lack of an equine chomping experience?

I sought out information from a blog post about raising horses and it seemed to indicate that you really don’t want to be bitten by a horse.

Note: If you ever need information or entertainment of any type, always go to a blog first; blogs are written by highly intelligent individuals with perpetually minty fresh breath.

I found the following phrase:

But, what starts as cute and innocent nibbling on a sleeve can evolve quickly into ripped clothing, crunched fingers, bruises and teeth marks.┬áSo if you have a young horse, don’t allow it to explore you with its mouth.

Interesting advice.

Note: I was considering making a joke here about a girl I once dated, but I just recently got the last lawsuit cleared up.

I may be overthinking this entire horse biting thing, and overthinking things is not an activity to which I am prone.

I was bitten by a dog once and I have to admit: it wasn’t as enjoyable as you might think. I would even go as far as saying it was unpleasant.

I was almost bitten by a goat once. The goat didn’t actually come near me, but he a look of no-good in his eyes. It was unsettling.

I’m beginning to think I should put off any attempt to be bitten by a horse.

If through the course of a normal day’s activities I should happen to be bitten by horse, then fine, but for now, I won’t go looking for it.

I will keep you updated.

Mr. Ed horse

Mr. Ed: his comments are biting.

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