The World’s Most Dangerous Animal?
I recently saw the following statement in a meme:
The Most Dangerous Animal in the World…
Is a Smiling Woman Sitting in Silence.
Wrong!
It’s this freaking thing:
“Come in the water, it’s nice.”
idiotpruf
The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.
Archive for the category “health”
Village Faces Lawsuit Following Unfortunate Tumble
Artist rendition of the incident.
North East, Pa.–The township of North East, Pennsylvania is facing a slip and fall lawsuit following an accident that occurred on township property. It seems a local resident known as Jack suffered a head injury after falling down a hill.
“The village does an absolutely dreadful job of maintaining the path on that hill,” his sister Jill said disgustedly. “We had simply gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack lost his footing on some loose gravel and tumbled down. I tried to grab him, but then I went tumbling after.”
“You have to be careful when you’re on a hill,” an unsympathetic town official stated. “Besides, that kid is a walking disaster; just last year Jack set himself on fire trying to jump over a candlestick. He thinks he’s nimble. He thinks he’s quick. But he is decidedly neither.”
“He did set himself on fire once,” Jill admitted, “I had to go up the hill by myself to fetch a pail of water just to put him out…what kind of idiot puts a well on a hill anyway?”
“I fell and broke my crown,” was Jack’s only response before adding, “I could see my own brains.”
Jack after his first attempt at skydiving.
Frog Upset by Unwelcome Kiss
Princess and alleged frog groper.
Trouble is brewing in the Kingdom as allegations of unwanted advances have been leveled against the princess by a local frog.
“I was sitting here in the swamp next to husband when out of nowhere this giant blond tart grabs him and practically sticks her tongue down his throat,” the lady frog complained. “It was repulsive. And to make matters worse, after she gets done groping my husband, he turns into a prince. He used to be green, slimy, and lovely. Now he’s just huge, pink, and disgusting.”
“When the Wicked Witch turned me into a frog, it was the best thing that could have happened to me,” the Prince said, “People think being a prince is all wine and roses. Well, there are a lot of wine and roses, but there’s also a lot of headaches: the threat of assassination, diplomacy with other kingdoms is a nightmare, moat maintenance is a constant struggle, and there’s always the worry that at some point the peasants will realize how oppressed they are and revolt–when you’re a frog you don’t have to worry about angry mobs with pitchforks.” The Prince then leaned in and said in a hushed voice, “And that Princess is no picnic either.”
“Do you know how many frogs I had to kiss before I found the right one?” The Princess said in disgust. “Do you see this ugly sore on my upper lip, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of frog herpes.”
“Look at this worthless ineffectual tongue,” the Prince continued, “how am I supposed to catch flies with this thing? What I wouldn’t give for one blood filled mosquito right now.”
“Excuse me while I go vomit,” the Princess said as she left in disgust.
When contacted to see if she could turn the Prince back into a frog, the Wicked Witch replied, “I’m not freaking Oprah–I don’t just give things away. I do things to make people miserable and unhappy; it’s in the job title.”
“I tried to go back to the swamp, but it’s not the same,” the Prince lamented. “I’d known my wife since she was a tadpole, but now she wants nothing to do with me. I guess I’m stuck with the Princess. Did you see that gross sore on her upper lip? Yuck!”
Green, slimy, and lovely.
,
Mad Dog 20/20: The Greatest Invention Ever
When you’re having a reflective moment and you’re pondering the greatest invention in human history, what springs to mind?
Is it fire? The wheel? The combustion engine? That little plastic thing that keeps the top of your pizza from being smeared on the box? All very important.
Perhaps it’s the written word. (Although that’s certainly not reflected here.)
You probably think it’s an advancement in medicine or technology.
Wrong! The answer is Mad Dog 20/20.
I know what you’re thinking: why am I wasting precious moments of a finite lifetime reading a bunch of drivel written by a person who is clearly unstable and who probably spent far too much of his youth eating paste and crayons.
Wrong Again! I still eat paste and crayons.
I’m going to provide five specific reasons for my assertion that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.
Reason #1
It’s not just wine–it’s a flavored fortified wine.
It’s fortified!
Fortified wines have a higher alcohol content than regular sissy wines.
Anything with the word fort in it is inherently superior to anything without the word fort in it.
Example:
Fort Worth, Texas: thriving metropolis populated with the highest caliber of people.
Worth, Illinois: total shithole filled with mimes.
Enough said.
Reason #2
If you’re anything like me, (my sympathies if you are) you are dazzled by things that are bright and shiny. Mad Dog 20/20 is available in a myriad of brightly colored flavors. There are so many brilliant colors it’s dizzying. And if you’re into to dizziness: consuming Mad Dog 20/20 can help you with that too.
It’s dizzying.
Reason #3
The medical applications of Mad Dog 20/20 are practically endless.
- It kills the Coronavirus. (It kills most living things; I assume that includes the Coronavirus.)
- It’s essentially a cure for not having liver disease.
- Too many pesky brain cells? Mad Dog 20/20 is the solution.
- It makes your vomit glow in the dark–how cool is that?
- It makes you vomit. Vomiting cleanses the body and entertains your friends.
- It also makes your urine glow in the dark. You’d be surprised how often that comes in handy.
- It’s a memory suppressor: if you drink a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20 and you do something crazy and stupid, you won’t remember it. (However, the authorities may remind you of what you’ve done.)
Reason #4
Applications apart from drinking it.
- Self-defense: it can be used to blind an attacker.
- As an adhesive: it’s one of the stickiest substances known to man.
- Entomology: it can be used to attract bees, ants, or hobos.
- As a repellent: it repels wombats, musk oxen, and The French.
- Monetarily: it’s used as currency in the best federal prisons.
- Status: if you keep Mad Dog 20/20 on display in your home, people will know you’re classy.
Reason #5
Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown of Westfield, NY. It’s a wonderful small village in western New York that has produced many brilliant people…and me.
It’s surprising the word fort isn’t in the name of the village. Strictly speaking, somebody dropped the ball on that.
I think at this point you probably agree with me that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.
So, drink up.
Many brilliant people.
Addendum: my apologies to the citizens of Worth, Illinois, I’m sure you’re fine people.
Achilles Frustrated by Hole in Health Coverage
The Greek warrior Achilles has recently become vocal about his dissatisfaction with his health care coverage.
“Ridiculous waiting lists, exorbitant dinars out-of-pocket, and an inexplicable hole in my coverage,” were just some of the phrases used by Achilles to describe his frustration.
It seems the trouble started when Achilles discovered, what he had previously thought to be a comprehensive policy, wouldn’t cover a simple arrow wound to the heel.
“If I get gored by a minotaur it’s covered,” Achilles said in exasperation. “Trampled by a centaur: covered. Struck down by a lightning bolt from Zeus: covered. Transformed into a goat by Hera: covered. Eaten by the Kraken: fully covered. I mean, what’s the point in that. If you get eaten by the Kraken, it’s pretty much game over at that point!”
Achilles paused to regain his composure. “Turned to stone by Medusa: covered. Mauled by wild animals: covered. Ax wound to the face: no problem. Arrow wound to the eye socket: covered. Arrow wound to the chest: covered. Arrow wound to the left forearm: very specifically covered. Arrow wound to any part of my body except my heel, and it’s covered. Erectile dysfunction: I have no idea what that is, but if I get it, it’s covered.
When pressed about the hole in Achilles coverage, Charon, the director of Styx River Health Care had the following response: “Achilles will be singing a different tune when he’s attacked by a cyclops or bitten by Cerberus. They always come crawling back…provided they can still crawl.”
“Is this how Trojan War heroes are treated?” Achilles asked in disgust. “The Trojan horse gets better treatment than I do, and he’s made of wood. I mean, look at how infected this wound is getting; it’s really starting to look nasty. I really think this wound is going to be the end of me.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Charon retorted. “I really don’t think Achilles’ heel will be his mortal weakness.”
Recovering from a nasty bout of dry rot.
Blog-Phobia
“I’m so afraid of having my picture taken.”
Here’s a bit of information: there are more than 500 official phobias.
If you have Epistemophobia, the fear of knowledge, learning that just freaked you out a tiny bit.
Some phobias are quite common:
Chiroptophobia: the fear of bats. Many people perceive bats to be terrifying, blood-sucking, winged creatures of the night. Some people may wildly wave their hands and scream like a little girl when a bat flies past their head. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Nothing!
Acrophobia: the fear of heights. Some people scream like a little girl if you put them on a tiny stepladder. This behavior is ridiculous–unless there’s bats up there.
Genophobia: the fear of sex. This is an extremely common phobia; every girl I’ve ever dated has suffered from it.
Other phobias are a little more unusual:
Automatonophobia: the fear of ventriloquist’s dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues – anything that falsely represents a sentient being. (This explains my fear of the Kardashians.)
Walloonphobia: the fear of Walloons. Walloons could burst at any moment making a loud popping sound and startling you.
(My apologies, I thought this was the fear of balloons. Walloons are the French-speaking population of Belgium; it’s perfectly normal to be startled when Walloons burst and make a loud popping noise.)
Chionophobia: the fear of snow. Snow is lovely, how could anyone be afraid of snow? Unless of course you’re referring to Jon Snow the British news presenter–he’s freaky.
I find his respectability unsettling.
But I found this list to be horribly lacking. I suffer from a myriad of phobias that are not officially recognized:
Sonny-Bono-phobia: the fear of being haunted nightly by the ghost of Sonny Bono. I fear he’d hang out all night singing I’ve Got You Babe, openly questioning Cher’s life choices, and warning me of the dangers of downhill skiing.
Potato-salad-phobia: the fear of the potato salad your aunt brings to family picnics. The Salmonella is the least offensive thing in it.
Old-hag-phobia: the fear of your aunt whether she’s bearing potato salad or not.
Decimal-phobia: the fear of any number containing a decimal point. While many people have a fear of the number 13, I find numbers like 24.7, 44.6, or 58.758 to be horrifying. When I found out the average body temperature was 98.6, I stayed in a broom closet for days weeping inconsolably.
Broom-closet-phobia: the fear of broom closets. I developed this phobia after being trapped in a broom closet for days where I wept inconsolably.
Oikos-phobia: the fear of anything Greek (especially Greek yogurt) or any product that John Stamos is a spokesperson for.
Pi-phobia: fear of the Greek letter Pi. Pi represents 3.14: the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter. John Stamos frequently uses Pi when he is determining the volume of the circle on the top of a Greek yogurt container. (Pi is a bucketful of issues for me.)
Ticking-time-bomb-phobia: the horrible fear that masked intruders will break into my home as I sleep, kidnap me, lock me in a room with a ticking time bomb, and bind my hands so that I must diffuse the bomb with my tongue. If they’re particularly sinister, they will slather the bomb with my aunt’s potato salad. (The potato salad really is crap.)
Kool-Aid-man-phobia: the fear that the Kool-Aid man will come crashing through the side of my home, leaving a gaping hole in the wall, and damaging the structural integrity of the entire house. He will then yell “Oh Yeah” with his big bulbous face, and behave as if the act of pouring me a glass of Kool-Aid makes up for giant mess he’s created.
Humor-blog-phobia: the fear of wasting precious moments of your life reading the moronic ramblings that some witless stooge has posted on WordPress.
While any phobia can cause issues and have ill-effect on one’s well being; it’s the last entry on the list that is especially debilitating. So watch out for it.
Stupid bulbous face. I’ll bet he read too many humor blogs.
Don’t Drone on About Wolves
“Wolf! Big freaking wolf!! I’m not kidding!”
In a controversial move, the residents of a small Greek village have replaced the boy who watches over their sheep with drones. “It really makes a lot of sense,” The village elder reported. “We’ve had a great deal of trouble maintaining the integrity of the village’s herd of sheep.”
Apparently the village has experienced some issues with sheep wandering off, attacks from predators, and what was described simply as “human error” by the village elder.
“It was that idiot kid,” a villager named Aesop finally confided. “We all knew he was trouble from the start: always fooling around, never taking his job seriously. He thought the job was boring, ‘counting sheep puts me to sleep’ he would say jokingly.” He paused for a moment before adding, “he’s the village elder’s nephew.”
According to reports, the boy would amuse himself by crying wolf, then laughing hysterically at the harried villagers who would drop what they were doing, and hurry out to the pasture with pitchforks in hand, only to find no wolf.
After the boy had “cried wolf” on several occasions, the villagers had had enough. “There’s a big guy in the village named Acteon,” Aesop said. “He would get really angry running all the way out to the meadow. It took three guys just to keep him from whomping that kid over the head with an ax handle.”
The boy’s false alarms would take a turn for the tragic. It seems when a real wolf threatened the herd, none of the villagers would heed his call, and several sheep were lost. It was at this point the village decided to make a change. “The drones are working out really well,” the village elder effused. “They can monitor the herd, round-up sheep that happen to stray, and we’ve weaponized them so they can eliminate any potential threat. We did have an unfortunate incident when a villager became frightened and threw his pitchfork at a drone…let’s just say, what goes up must come down.”
When asked what the boy was doing now that he no longer looked after the sheep, the village elder hesitated before answering, “evidently one of the drones deemed him to be a threat to the herd…my sister is pretty pissed.”
“There’s moral to this story,” Aesop added. “A liar won’t be believed, even when he’s telling the truth…and he might get his ass blown off by a drone.”
Loud-mouthed threat detected.
Tooth Fairy Arrested
Erie, Pennsylvania–A man was jailed in the City of Erie, Pennsylvania after being arrested for suspicious behavior and what the responding officer referred to as, prowling around like a weirdo.
The man who has been identified as a Mr. T. Fairy was allegedly trying to gain entry to the residence of the Rizzo family. “He claims to have had business there,” the arresting officer said.
The man was discovered carrying a satchel of silver dollars and what appeared to be a bag filled with children’s teeth. “A bag of children’s teeth,” said the officer. “How sinister is that?”
The man claims to be the famed Tooth Fairy, but the police have their doubts. “I imagined the Tooth Fairy to be less masculine,” the officer admitted, “and definitely less tattooed.”
“Everybody just assumes the Tooth Fairy is some petite little woman,” Mr. Fairy said, “but that’s just sexist.”
The Investigation has uncovered that little Jay Rizzo had lost a tooth earlier in the day when on a dare, he tried to eat a brick. “Jay is pretty stupid,” his father confirmed.
Adding intrigue to the situation and weight to the man’s story: he was discovered to have wings. “We were fingerprinting him when all of a sudden these wings go fluttering up behind him,” the processing officer said, “that doesn’t normally happen.”
Mr. Fairy is being charged with trespassing and with a little used statute involving activity deemed to be more than a little icky.
“Well, the tooth will come out in the end,” Mr. Fairy said with a chuckle.
Little Jay’s lost tooth remains under his pillow, waiting for the Tooth Fairy to make bail.
Donner Party Disappointment
They seem like a fun bunch.
Absolutely the worst party I’ve been to in my life.
It was in a horrible location: a difficult to navigate snow-covered mountain pass more suited for ox-drawn wagons than a proper vehicle. Seriously, rent a hall.
The only music they had was some old guy with a fiddle who couldn’t play it properly because he’d lost several fingers to frostbite.
Everyone was just dour. There was a lot of wailing and weeping–it was a real mood killer.
They ran out of hor d’oeuvres almost immediately; the food was the biggest disappointment.
It was such an ill-planned party–I left early.
I just hope things picked up after I left.
Addendum:
The Donner Party is sometimes referred to by historians as the Donner-Reed Party.
But I’m certain Donner-Reed would throw a fantastic party.
“I throw fantastic parties.”
What the Hell?
The following search terms popped up on search terms page in this order:
- fat naked hillbillies
- floppy breasted women
- what mushrooms not to eat out of cow poop
What the hell is wrong with you people?
And more importantly: what’s wrong with me that those search terms direct people to this blog?
Dig in.
idiotpruf 