idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “funny”

22 Jun 2024
2 Comments

Four-Way Nightmare

As you drive down the road, you begin to feel a queasiness in your stomach. You don’t know what is causing this feeling, but you know something is out there, looming in the distance.

The farther you travel, the uneasiness transitions to a feeling of impending doom.

Then you see it.

That queasiness in your stomach constricts into a tight knot. Your heart pounds. Tendrils of fear speed down your spine.

Your palms dampen, and beads of sweat build on your forehead.

You are bearing down on a four-way stop in rural Pennsylvania.

The 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania is the Bermuda Triangle of the driving world. The gauges in your vehicle begin to malfunction, and the laws of physics falter.

You become disoriented as a form of temporary stupidity sets in–on occasion, the stupidity is permanent. 

The rules of polite society crumble into chaos.

Despite the evidence, there is a distinct set of rules to follow when approaching a 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

  1. Prepare your insurance information before you get to the intersection in anticipation of the inevitable collision.
  2. Ease your way toward the intersection, displaying cautious trepidation.
  3. Make eye contact with the other motorists, looking for signs of fear and weakness.
  4. Identify the motorist displaying the most fear and weakness; he has the right of way.
  5. Wait for the motorist who has the right of way to go.
  6. Realize by his dull, lifeless eyes, the driver with the right of way has no clue he has the right of way. (You’re not sure if he knows he’s driving.)
  7. Sigh disgustedly when nobody goes.
  8. Spend several interminable moments as all four motorists gawk numbly at each other.
  9. Disgustedly pull into the intersection.
  10. Slam on the brakes after all four motorists have pulled into the intersection simultaneously.
  11. Slowly put your vehicle in reverse as you suspiciously eye the other motorists.
  12. Exclaim, “What the hell is wrong with these idiots,” when, again, nobody goes.
  13. Decide you’ve had enough and floor it.
  14. Push the airbag away from your face as it deflates.
  15. Marvel at the 4 car collision you’ve just been a part of.
  16. Curse loudly…or at least as loudly as you can with a broken jaw.

The following warning sign should be before every 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

Amelia Earhart didn’t disappear over the Bermuda Triangle; she’s at a 4-way stop outside of Erie, Pennsylvania, shaking her fist at a bunch of idiots.

Addendum: On occasion, in rural Pennsylvania, one of the conveyances at the four-way stop will be an Amish buggy. If that is the case, be prepared to be flipped off by an angry Amish dude and bitten by a horse.

Posted in erie, funny, lists and tagged , , , , , , ,
12 Jun 2024
4 Comments

Is This the Apocalypse?

I recently came across a couple of news stories that are a cause for concern in the New York area.
And no, I’m not referring to the story about the increasing problem of obesity in New York City rats. Obesity has long been a problem with the rats of New York City; it’s nothing new.
To be honest, the biggest problem with the rats of New York City is how insufferably rude they are.
The story I’m talking about is the one about the giant venomous spiders that are heading up the East Coast; they have a four-inch leg span and the ability to fly.
No spider should have a four-inch leg span.
No spider should have the ability to fly.
Certainly, no spider that doesn’t come from the brain of Stephen King should possess both traits.
The New Jersey Pest Control has warned: it is a matter of when, not if, they travel up the coast. They are called the Joro Spider, and while they aren’t as rude as those fatass rats from New York City, they are still freaky.
The second story is about the first known case of a sexually transmitted form of ringworm in the United States.
The highly contagious fungal skin infection is a rare manifestation of dermatophytosis affecting the genitals and pubic region.
Of all the regions to be affected by a highly contagious fungal skin infection, the genital and pubic region is probably the worst.
A New York City man has been identified with the infection.
Who has time to worry about infections in their pubic region when the air is thick with flying spiders?
Is this the beginning of the apocalypse? Even the ten plagues of Egypt didn’t have flying spiders.
Luckily, I live in western New York far from New York City; the worst thing we have to deal with is deer ticks. Deer ticks are nasty, but at least they can’t fly, they aren’t sexually transmitted, and they tend not to be churlish.
To be fair, deer ticks have very little personality at all.
I’m not sure if this signifies the end of the world, but my advice for you is to stay vigilant and probably to avoid New York City.

Posted in funny, health, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , ,
01 May 2024
2 Comments

Critical Thinking?

I recently heard you say that you are your own worst critic.

You clearly have no idea what people are saying behind your back. 

You seem not to grasp what people are saying to your face.

In fact, you are far more pleased with yourself than the facts or the opinions of others justify.

It may be that you don’t understand what the word repugnant means; when a person uses the word repugnant to describe you, it is not positive.

Nor is the term maximum-repugnaciousness.

Maximum-repugnaciousness is a made-up word. 

People are coining new derogatory phrases to describe you.

It’s not good when the breadth of the English language doesn’t contain enough pejorative terms to adequately describe your horribleness.

Let’s look at the definition of the word repugnant:

Adjective

distasteful, objectionable, or offensive:

a repugnant smell.

making opposition; averse.

opposed or contrary, as in nature or character.

When your name crops up in the same sentence as words like repugnant, distasteful, objectional, offensive, malodorous, repulsive, vomit-inducing, or crap-for-brains, you shouldn’t take it as an affirmation.

Regardless of how often you’ve been referred to as crap-for-brains, you never seem to take it as an insult.

Why do you think most people don’t describe Albert Einstein as that crap-for-brains patent clerk who eventually did something smart?

It would take a person with crap-for-brains to say something like that about Albert Einstein. 

Do you remember the time you said that about Albert Einstein?

It’s difficult to determine who your worst critic genuinely is, as your critics are widespread and vociferous in their criticism of you.

I know a person who met you once and claims it was the worst day of his life. He was a 100-year-old man who survived the Hindenburg.

A giant ball of burning hydrogen is more palatable than making your acquaintance.

I guess my point is that your critics are voluminous and well-deserved.

You’re probably reading this right now, chuckling to yourself, and thinking: I wonder who this is about.

You repugnant crap-for-brains.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
10 Apr 2024
2 Comments

Erie to Fight Deer Population With Hyenas

Erie, PA–At a recent city council meeting, residents expressed their growing concerns over the city’s increasing deer population.
It seems the deer are everywhere: in the streets, in people’s backyards, and even occasionally encroaching on private residences. “I was sitting in my bathroom doing my business and reading the most recent copy of Weak-bladders Monthly when a deer burst through the door and bit me in the forehead…now I have Lyme disease,” Sam Rizzo, a resident, told the council.
When a council member pointed out to Mr. Rizzo that that’s not how Lyme disease is spread, Mr. Rizzo bit the council member in the forehead, and now they both have Lyme Disease.
“The deer are everywhere,” resident Ron Smith said at the meeting, “I was carrying a case of beer into my house when I slipped in a pile of deer crap and fell. All but four of the bottles broke–how am I supposed to get drunk now? Also, I think Sam just peed himself.”
“There’s no simple solution,” a council member stated. “We were hoping the already present gunfire that occurs randomly within city limits would pick off some of the deer, but that has proved unfruitful.”
After much deliberation, the city council has decided to release packs of hyenas randomly around the city.
When pressed about the potential danger of having hyenas prowling the streets, Health Director Philip Weedly had the following response. “Sure, some of our slower citizens will likely be picked off by the hyenas, but let’s be honest, it might just force our citizenry to get in better shape.”
The motion to release the hyenas was passed unanimously.
It was also brought up that it may be best to keep your pets inside for the foreseeable future.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
05 Apr 2024
2 Comments

It Happened!

It has finally happened!
After years of hoping and dreaming, waiting in anticipation, barely daring to believe it could come true, it is here.
As I type this, I am struggling to see through the tears of joy streaming from my eyes.
What is the joyous occasion?
Have my testicles finally descended?
They did descend briefly, didn’t like what they saw, and reascended, but that’s a topic for a different day.
This blog has finally received a pageview from the great nation of Greenland.
After receiving over 131,000 pageviews from 180 different countries and regions, Greenland has finally decided to make an appearance.


This blog has gotten two page views from a place labeled as Unkown Region. I’m pretty sure that’s Mordor.
I’ve gotten two pageviews from Andorra; isn’t that where Ewoks live?
I’ve always felt like Ewoks would get my sense of humor.
Two more page views have come from the Caribbean Netherlands. Since when have the Netherlands been in the Caribbean? I am so confused.
I’ve received four page views from St. Kitts and Nevis, and that is clearly a made-up name; that’s like getting four page views from Narnia.
I’m not sure why Greenland took so long to get here; there’s nothing in Greenland except ice and walruses. I mean, there isn’t a lot to do.
That being said–we are happy to have you here, Greenland.


Addendum: As I write this, my joy has been slightly tempered by the realization that I have yet to receive a pageview from Transylvania.
I know you’re busy fighting vampires, but let’s be honest, since the Twilight movies, vampires have become pretty sissy.
Let’s get on it, Transylvania.

Posted in funny, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
26 Mar 2024
2 Comments

Vending Machines vs. Sharks

So, I recently read that vending machines are responsible for more deaths annually in the U.S. than shark attacks.

Who would have thought vending machines that are more deadly than sharks?

Sharks are terrifying with their rows of razor-sharp teeth, their dead, emotionless eyes, and that creepy music from Jaws that plays every time they get near you. 

Steven Speilberg didn’t make a movie about vending machines killing people on an idyllic resort island.

(But if he had, I’m sure it would have been awesome.)

This is horrible news; I had no idea I was putting my life in danger every time I purchased a bag of cheese puffs.

I knew I would get that orange dust all over my fingers and stuck in my teeth, but that was a risk I was willing to take.

To be fair, if you live in a place like Idaho, you’re far more likely to fall prey to a vending machine than a shark.

The transfats in the cheese puffs will likely take you out before a shark attack will.

You would have to be astronomically unlucky to die of a shark attack in Idaho.

Realistically, if you stay at least ten feet from the ocean, you should be relatively safe from a shark attack.

Vending machines, by contrast, are everywhere–especially in Idaho.

The vast majority of vending machine deaths occur when a purchased item becomes stuck in the machine. The purchaser attempts to dislodge the item by tilting or shaking the vending machine, causing the vending machine to fall on them and crush them.

A small minority of vending machine deaths occur when a person laughs so hysterically that they have a heart attack after they have witnessed a dumbass co-worker tip a vending machine on themself.

People who die in vending machine accidents tend to be people who are physically aggressive and quick to anger.

People who die in a shark attack tend to be people who are vacationing from Idaho, and they thought surfing looked fun, so they decided to try it; it’s safer than a vending machine, they thought.

Dying because a vending machine fell on you has to be mortifying in the afterlife. 

First Dead Person: So, how did you die?

Second Dead Person: I died storming the beaches of Normandy to free Europe from the oppressive boot of the Nazi war machine. How about you?

First Dead Person: My bag of cheese puffs got caught in the little spirally thing in a vending machine. I was really hungry. I’m from Idaho.

I would suggest if you are physically aggressive and quick to anger, you would do well to avoid vending machines. 

Go surfing, that might be fun.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
07 Mar 2024
2 Comments

Scorpion Stings Man in the Nuts

A man is suing the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada, after an unfortunate incident that occurred during his stay.

Michael Farchi says he awoke in the middle of the night to discover he was being stung in the testicles by a scorpion.

(I’m not making this up.)

According to Michael, he was stung multiple times in the naughty bits, which was later confirmed by doctors at a local hospital after they were done laughing.

Michael claims he is still suffering health issues from the attack that occurred on Dec. 26th.

Perhaps Las Vegas should change its motto to “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…unless you’re stung in the nuggets a bunch of times by a scorpion.”

“Nobody staying in Vegas needs to [be] exposed to deadly scorpions while they’re sleeping, let alone on their private parts, their testicles,” said his attorney, Brian Virag.

I would argue the Vegas part is irrelevant; nobody needs to be stung in the testicles by a scorpion at anytime, anywhere, ever.

Michael claims that even though his family cut the vacation short, he still had to pay the Venetian Hotel for the stay.

I have to say, the Venetians may good at canals, glass-blowing, and masks (and I love all the work they’ve done with blinds), but they suck at running hotels.

But there is a forgotten part of this story: what about the poor scorpion.

“It was horrifying,” the scorpion said, “I woke up, and there were two big hairy nuts in my face. I stung them as many times as I could; I barely got away with my life.”

Stanley (the scorpion’s name is Stanley) went on to describe how he would probably be traumatized for life. “Every time I see a picture of a canal, I break down and sob uncontrollably,” he stated.

There is no word yet on whether, or not Stanley will take legal action against the Venetian Hotel.

Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery for both Michael and Stanley.

Posted in funny, health, Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Feb 2024

Why You Shouldn’t Show Me Pictures of Your Grandchild

Happy Photo Purveyor: would you like to see photos of my grandchild?

Me: not especially.

Happy Photo Purveyor: but she’s just so precious.

Me: believe me, your voluminous and unremitting descriptions of her are all I really need.

Happy Photo Purveyor: you absolutely have to see them.

Me: I’m certain that’s not the case.

Happy Photo Purveyor: you’ll regret it if you don’t.

Me: I’m feeling the regret already.

Happy Photo Purveyor: let me get my phone out.

Me: so this is happening.

Fifty photos later.

Happy Photo Purveyor: if liked those, I’ve got hundreds more.

Me: great! Let me just remove this ice pick I’ve jammed into my eye.

Happy Photo Purveyor: her name is Liz; can you guess what that’s short for?

Me: I don’t know.

Happy Photo Purveyor: just guess.

Me: I don’t want to guess.

Happy Photo Purveyor: just guess–it’s obvious.

Me: It’s obvious? Is it short for Lizard.

Several moments of uncomfortable silence.

Not As Happy Photo Purveyor: why would her name be Lizard.

Me: she looks a bit like a lizard.

Even more uncomfortable silence.

Unhappy Photo Purveyor: my granddaughter looks nothing like a lizard.

Me: not all of her–just her face.

Still Unhappy Photo Purveyor: people say she takes after me!

Me: I wasn’t going to bring that up…but yes she does.

Angry Photo Purveyor: my granddaughter looks nothing like a lizard!

Me: maybe I just think that because of her tail.

Angrier Photo Purveyor: what makes you think my granddaughter has a tail?

Me: because most lizards have tails.

Apoplectic Photo Purveyor: I’m never showing you another photo again!

Apoplectic Photo Purveyor storming off in a huff.

Me: mission accomplished.

And that’s why you should never show me photos of your grandchild.

This is Liz. Guess what Liz is short for.

Posted in funny, Humor, photo and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
23 Jan 2024
2 Comments

Penn & Tran: the Sylvanias

william penn

William Tran Penn.

It occurred to me the other day that if the William Penn, founder of the English colony of Pennsylvania, had been named William Tran, then I would been born in the great Commonwealth of Transylvania.

Wouldn’t that be awesome!

The Sylvanias have so much in common.

Bram Stoker’s fictional character Dracula.

Dracula was based the real-life ruler Vlad the Impaler. Vlad Dracula was known for committing many acts of brutality, his favorite being impaling his enemies on stakes.

There are numerous tourist attractions around Transylvania connected to Vlad.

castle bran

Bran Castle, a tourist attraction associated with Vlad the Impaler. (I wonder if pigeons poop on it,)

We have a statue of Rocky.

rocky

Statue of Rocky. (Pigeons definitely poop on it.)

Rocky Balboa is a fictional character created by actor and filmmaker Sylvester Stallone, (himself known for brutal acts of annunciation) based on the real-life boxer Chuck Wepner.

Chuck Wepner

Real-life boxer Chuck Wepner. (Pigeons wouldn’t dare.)

Transylvania is often thought of as eerie.

church scary

An eerie church in Transylvania. (Pigeons are afraid to poop here.)

We have a place literally named Erie!

Erie eerie

Erie, Pennsylvania: it may be spelled differently, but it’s just as creepy. (Pigeons don’t poop here, but the seagulls crap on everything.)

Transylvania is romanticized as place inhabited by supernatural creatures such as vampires, werewolves, and monsters.

abott and costello

Abott and Costello knew all about these monsters.

We have a groundhog the predicts the freaking weather.

idiotprufs groundhog day punxsutawny phil

Abott and Costello knew almost nothing about Punxsutawney Phil.

There’s a bunch of other similarities between Pennsylvania and Transylvania involving steel production, ethnic and religious backgrounds, and geographical features, but that crap is all boring.

So I’ll leave you with the one striking difference between Pennsylvania and Transylvania.

The Transylvania State football team is just a bunch of tiny, slow-footed, pasty-faced, European guys.

Franco Harris steeler

Penn State great Franco Harris smashing through the Transylvania State offensive line.

Posted in erie, funny, History, Humor, lists, mythology and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
21 Dec 2023
4 Comments

The Absolutely Indispensable Guide For Gifts Not to Give

bad gift

“What the hell?”

All you want is to give the perfect gift for Christmas. The gift that will brighten a child’s face. The gift that shows thoughtfulness and caring. The type of gift that will result in moments to be cherished forever.

What a load of crap that is!

You are an insensitive oaf, but social convention dictates you must give gifts at Christmastime. What you really want is to give gifts that won’t result in icy glares from your significant other and, more crucially, gifts that won’t result in a face-stabbing.

Granted, most of your attempts at gift-giving have not resulted in a face-stabbing, but there have been enough face-stabbing occurances to preclude you from using the phrase, isolated incidents.

Who would have thought a weight loss book, a thigh master, a bottle of rum, and a set of kitchen knives were a bad combination of gifts?

Maybe the fact that it was a weight loss book for dummies that put the gift recipient over the edge.

It could have also been the rum-soaked eggnog she was belting down all day.

Since I’m practically an expert at screwing things up badly (I mean, I am shockingly good at it), I am going to aid you in what gifts not to give.

Don’t give your goth friend a bottle of skin bronzer. Her pale, nearly translucent skin is her choice. It is not a result of her inability to tan naturally. Her flesh will not burst into flames if it’s exposed to real sunlight. It’s Holy water that makes her flesh burst into flames.

Don’t give your girlfriend, and I cannot stress this too strongly, a self-help book of any kind with the phrase “for dummies” in the title.

Unless, of course, a face-stabbing is exactly what you want for Christmas.

Don’t give your friend the book: Why Men Love Bitchs. His girlfriend Amanda won’t appreciate it; what he really needs is a book about better decision-making.

Don’t give your stepmother a jar of anti-wrinkle cream and a bottle of wart remover. She will not appreciate them…regardless of how desperately they’re needed.

Don’t give your stepfather, who likes to hunt, a book of vegetarian recipes; he’s just going to use its pages to start the fire he’s going to use to roast the woodchuck he hit with his pickup truck on the way to the Christmas party.

Don’t get your vegan friend that Chia Pet. It looks entirely too much like food; eventually, he’s going to try to eat it. He’ll be rushed to the hospital, and his entire family will blame you.

Don’t give anyone you know this book.

problem child

Don’t avoid this gift because you fear recrimination. Avoid this gift because it’s just too late.

Don’t get your boss this mug; he may not have a sense of humor about it.

boss coffee cup

“Why does everybody laugh at me when I drink coffee?”

Addendum

If John Wayne Bobbitt had listened to me when I told him kitchen knives were a terrible Christmas gift for his wife Lorena, perhaps their marriage wouldn’t have become so severed.

knife

A set of kitchen knives from Bed Bath and Beyond. It was the beyond that got John Wayne Bobbitt in trouble…she cut his penis off.

Posted in funny, Humor, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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